Home

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Men In White. Please Come Take Me Away.

I just got off the phone with Master not too long ago, and to be blunt today has not started off all that well. So far I have cried, been frustrated, and wanted to either rip my hair out or blow my brains all over these walls. I have been told by Master, Himself, that I have changed, and He thinks it's all because of Moose. They didn't put the dog down, and they said they'd muzzle train him, but I haven't seen any of that so far. Not getting into that though.


I was also told by Master that I have become "irate" and I am "easily agitated" more-so now. Typically, this would piss me off, but I think somewhere deep in me I wasn't upset because to some degree He's probably right. Hell, last night I was so frustrated over homework that I seriously wanted to legit flip the damn table, scream and just run off somewhere. To top it off, I had cried briefly because of it. Homework can be frustrating, but I don't typically lose it. At most I get irritated, get up to take a few deep breaths and a break, come back, and I'm fine. 


It's true, I'm stressed because finals are less than a week away. Finals have always made me nervous, and I've always gotten stressed over them. Yes, the fact that Moose is still running around freely, though promised he wouldn't be allowed to, has pissed me off to high heaven. Honestly, I feel as if I'm acting my normal, given the circumstances. Sure, I'm a little more pissy, but I get that way when finals come closer. Once I've finished them, though, I know I'll be stress free and back to normal. 


I will admit that when winter and the cold weather kicks in, I'm never happy. The cold dreary days depress me. I need sunshine, and I'm not getting it, so yes, I have been known to be a little more upset with life, but because this happens every year, I just see it as something normal.


To top it off, I have to always repeat things to Master, and lets be frank here. I despise repetition. Master is always asking if I'm upset with Him, even on days where everything has gone right and it's been a fantastic day. Other things that bothers me is that sometimes He can be extremely touchy feely, and some days, I just don't want that. Some days, I want to be left alone, to not be touched, to not be asked question of whether or not I'm pissed at someone, and sometimes, I just want to put my head phones and and blast my ears with music for a while. 


After being together for three years, it kills me a little to know that He still has a hard time understanding my feelings. He tells me He has a hard time reading me. He's the only one that seems to have that issue. Anyone else (even people who don't even know my name!) can tell if I'm pissed off, worried, happy, excited, etc. Occasionally, some people will confused my tired face with my depressed face, but that has always happened all of my life. Seriously! I'M AN OPEN BOOK! If a stranger can tells if I'm upset or sad, then why can't my own Master, who has been with me for a little over 3 years tell?! I DON'T GET IT!!!!!!!


I am able to see when something is bothering Him with so much freaking ease that it should be a part time job for me. (Kay, just being sarcastic and dramatic). Even my parents, who barely see me at all anymore, can tell whether or not my day has gone great or awry. They may not always comment on it, but they can!


I just.. I don't understand. It baffles me how this is never ending. I'm so static in my life, that I should be so predictable as to when I'm going to fart next! (lol) Ugh... Why is it so hard...? No one.. no one can be this oblivious can they? *sigh*


~*~Anastassia~*~

4 comments:

  1. Sometimes people are just legit bad at reading faces and guessing people's emotions. I don't know if Evan has that problem with other people or not, but maybe there's a chance that it's not just you? That he just doesn't do well with non-verbal cues?

    I understand your need for alone time, since Panda and I are both sort of introverted...we give ourselves space every night to just go off and do our own things and be alone--occasionally, we have whole nights just dedicated to not being together. Maybe, whenever you're in one of those moods, you should just explain to him that it doesn't mean anything's wrong, but that you just need some space occasionally? I'm sure he'd understand...

    I'm sorry you're stressed about finals, though, and I hope things start looking up soon!

    ReplyDelete
  2. The think is, Bre, I have explained this to Him so much, that it should be a given. Too many times I will have to answer the following question: "Have I done something wrong?" With the answer "No" and I still get asked that question. I have explained things to Him so freaking much that it drives me nuts to know He still doesn't quite get it.

    My answers never change. I always tell Him when I want to be left alone, and even after I tell Him "Hey, it's not because of you." I'm still asked that same damn question. It's so frustrating it makes me want to cry sometimes, cause it just feels like He doesn't listen to me.

    I really have no idea what to do. And sometimes it leads to arguments, when it shouldn't have ever got to that point. I explain myself more times than not. It can get tiring after a while.

    I'm sure today will get better. Master and I will talk after His classes are over, and I'm sure we'll work things out. We always do, but it sucks that this is something I have to go through almost every week. This sort of thing can really wear a person down.

    Finals will be done and over with before too long, and I'm sure I'll be just fine by then. =)

    Thanks for talking to me, Bre. <3

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yeah, I understand...Panda's a pretty hard-to-read person, so, when He used to get quiet for no reason, or go off by Himself without warning, I auto-assumed something was wrong, and got kind of worried...I used to ask Him repeatedly, too, but over the years, I've finally learned that He's really okay and He just needs space occasionally...but, it was an issue we struggled with for a while too.

    Just be patient with him...As frustrated as you are about it, I'm sure he's just as frustrated by himself, for not being able to pick up on your moods as easily as others, or for not being able to let it go (literally, I used to ask "are you okay?" sometimes without even realizing I'd said it, and then I'd mentally kick myself for not being able to stop...)...Sometimes, it just takes time to work it out...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thanks Bre. =) I'll keep that in mind.

    ReplyDelete