Dear 10 Year Old Self

This year is going to be a rough one, as well as the years that follow, but I promise you, things will get better. Here in about a month or two, you will lose your grams to a heart attack on Easter Sunday. It will be really tough, and you'll miss her a lot. Her funeral will impact you pretty hard, and you'll be pretty frustrated with having to deal with someone very important to you no longer being in your life. It's going to be okay. I know it may not seem like it in the moment, but you will push through, and she will be up in heaven watching out for you every second of the way. Even if it doesn't always feel like it.

Your dad will marry your step mother this year as well, and it will be scary to move away to a place you've never been before and forced to meet new people. I know moving has been the norm for you in your short life at this point, but I promise you, you'll be safe in your new home for the next ten to eleven years. All those horror stories about step mothers being evil will not come true here. At first, you're going to want to fight her tooth and nail, and it will seem like she is that evil step mother, but in due time you will realize that not only does she love you with all of her heart and soul, but she is doing the best she can. After all, she's never been a mother before you came along, so she is learning too. She will make mistakes, but no one is perfect. 

Some of the things she will say and do will hurt you, but trust me, it is for the best, because she will inspire you to be the best person you can be. You'll not understand it at first, but as you grow older and mature into a young woman, you will soon see that what she did was for the best, and that she really can be a very supportive and caring person. Just trust me on this. She really isn't evil. She loves you more than your biological mother could ever love you, and she will protect you, even if it doesn't seem like ti right now.

The following years will be harsh and confusing to you, because you are going through all these hormonal changes, and you won't know what to do with yourself. By the time you reach high school, you'll be so depressed that you'll try to kill yourself at least once. Don't do it. You have SO much to live for, and you have so many people who really do love you. Just because you don't realize it and don't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there. Your family loves you, and so do your friends. You'll end up pushing through this dark moment in your life, and you'll start realizing your self worth. You may still argue with your parents from time to time, but deep down, realize they are just as scared for you and your future as what you are. This is new to them in some aspects too. Give it some time. You'll see. You really are loved and that will never change. 

By the time you reach your junior year in high school, you will start getting better grades than you have before, and this will start making your parents proud. You'll also come to terms with something that happened to you when your biological parents were having a divorce, and at first it will be very hard to cope with. It's okay, because that is another obstacle you will push through and will no longer hurt you as bad as it used to. It's frightening at first, but keep up faith. You'll be okay in due time. 

In your senior year of high school, you'll become friends with a boy who is one year younger than you, and he will become your best friend. You'll eventually realize you have feelings for this person, and you'll be scared at first to engage a relationship with him, especially after all those past failed relationships you've been through. You'll start thinking this will be a short term thing, and that you'll just end up breaking up and hopefully staying friends. He will prove you wrong, and he'll be the best thing that has ever happened to you in your life. Trust me, he is a keeper and you REALLY don't want to give him up. It'll be worth it and he will teach you the true meaning of what love is, and he will teach you to no longer be afraid. He will be there through your best and worst times, and he will love you no matter what. 

By the time you graduate high school, you won't be too sure of what to do with yourself, and you'll take about 2 1/2 years to decide you want to go back to college. You'll get your first job in November of 2009 and at first you will love it. Eventually, it kind of sucks, and you'll want to quit. There will be days where customers will want to make you cry, and a few times they actually succeed. You'll also call your mother up one evening before work, crying on the phone, saying how bad you want to quit, but she will give you the courage to deal with it, and you'll regain hope again. 

As the next couple of years go by, your relationship with your father will kind of diminish a bit, and things will be tough between you two for a while. Don't worry. Even though he may say some hurtful things to you and act like he doesn't care, somewhere deep down inside I'm sure he does. He just sucks horribly at showing it. No matter what he says or does to you, no matter how bad he hurts you, never stop loving him. He is your father after all, and he's the only one you have. Maybe some day he will see the error of his ways, maybe not, but it is NOT up to you to judge him for it. That is something that should be left to God. Just be glad you still have your father around. Life is too short to hold grudges, even if you don't always agree with the things he does. I'm sure he loves you and he is proud of the accomplishes you will make in your life. He just has a hard time conveying those emotions. It's okay. As I said before. NO ONE is perfect. Not even you.

By this time in your life, you will still be with that boy that I mention above, and you will have been with him for over three years. Pretty long time, huh? You both are now in college. He is studying to be a Civil Engineer, and you are studying to be a medical assistant. You will soon realize that you aspire to become a nurse practitioner and you will work VERY hard in college to get there. I don't know if you will succeed in this, because as I'm writing this, I'm not that far into life myself. Just know by this point, you have grown into an amazing young woman, and that you are doing great. 

You will become a great person, even if it doesn't feel like it at first. Hold your head up kid. It's going to be a bumpy road, but it's going to get better. Just give it some time. I love you Jessie, and you will learn to love yourself too.

Sincerely,

Jessie