Learning To Trust Him

I come from a broken background, and that has some lasting emotional scars that makes simple every day life hard to cope with at times. I know I've spoke of parental divorce, my family not being so close knit (like Masters' family is), and I've even opened up to my readers about how I was molested at the age of seven. There is one thing, though, that I don't think I've really covered all that much, which is that I have severe abandonment issues. 


Partial blame goes straight to my up bringing. Thanks....


Two of the things I listed above happened almost simultaneously, and the molestation thing happened while neither of my parents were around, so I'm pretty positive that plays a huge role in my abandonment problems. Regardless that is in the past and not the point of my post today. My point is that I am still struggling with this and with trusting people. Even Master.


Last night was a rough night, and really the details are not that important, at least not important enough to write about. Some things are better left unsaid. I will say one thing though, that when someone close to me hurts me even once, because of my dark past, I find it harder to trust them the second time around; I think Master has learned that the hard way since being with me. That is not to say I do not trust Him, because if I didn't, He wouldn't be my Master; I just find it really hard to trust people with certain things. 


For the first 2 1/2 years of our relationship, I felt unwanted for reasons I will not go into, but I finally have my answers as of last night, and that will help me on this path of healing. I know better now, and while I do have my doubts about certain things, I now have the ability to work past these doubts, and hopefully get rid of them once and for all. That will take some time, though. 


As I explained to Master last night, hopefully for the last time, a normal person wouldn't have thought twice about what happened between us, but I am no where near what society perceives as "normal" and that I have problems a lot of people do not. I am far more sensitive and emotional than I'd like to admit, and I have a hard time keeping trust in people. 


I love Master more than anything else in this world, and I trust Him more than anyone else, but that does not mean that trust comes easily. I wish I could say that I trusted Him undoubtedly with ever single thing, but sadly that is not how it works. After all the years of hurt and pain I've endured most of my life, I'm more than a little gun-shy. I do know one thing though, and that is I trust Him more than I have ever trusted anyone else in my life, and as long as I'm with Him, it will more than likely remain that way. 


Some of you may feel I am selfish, some of you may understand my reasoning, and some of you will probably think I am nuts out of my mind, but simple thoughts and judgmental processing will not, and can not, change who I am. What will change that, is me. I'm not nearly as bad about trust issues as I used to be (I mean just look at what kind of relationship I am in), but I definitely have a long way to go. 


One thing is certain.... I am possibly the luckiest person alive at this point. Master has been so patient with me, and He does get frustrated with me, I know He does, but I don't think anyone else would be this willing to be so patient and loving of me, and accept the problems that come with me as well. And I'm very thankful for that. 


I honestly don't think Master will ever know the extent of how much I truly love Him, but as long as I have Him by my side I can continue to grow, to open up myself to Him more, and maybe some day, these trust issues will finally be gone. Maybe some day, I'll never have to doubt Him again, because that barrier will be shattered into a million pieces. I only hope He gives me the room to grow, and He maintains the patience He's given me for over the last three years. 


To be honest, I have never felt more vulnerable in my life.


~*~Anastassia~*~