It's That Time of The Month Again...

No, I am not talking about my period. Though, honestly, I kind of wish I were.


It seems like once a month the same thing happens with Master and I when it comes to our M/s dynamic. We get into a rut of sorts, we talk about it, promises are made, but never met, and so on. Throughout our relationship we have done a lot of maturing/growing up, but as I like to say; there is always room for improvement.


This has not been a recent thing, nor has it been a spur of the moment thought process. For most of our relationship, off and on it has felt like Master's heart has not really (truly) been 100% into this relationship. Not the M/s dynamic, that is. Both of us share our faults in this, so this is not really a blame game. I have had moments where I just wanted to quit. Wanted to give back the collar and say "I'm done". I always come back for it though, because in my heart, I know this is what I truly want. To serve Him every day to the best of my abilities. 


I just get frustrated a lot.


I'm not perfect, neither is He, and thankfully we don't try to be perfect. (Talk about a huge failure waiting to happen if we did). When it comes down to it, I feel as if I have tried everything in the world to get our relationship to work out to where we both feel comfortable, and it just seems like I have done nothing but fail. 


I have given Him countless articles, forums, and books for Him to read or refer to. I have given Him links to people He could talk to, I have asked friends if they could help (they have even given Him books to borrow too). I have tried doing things for Him to make Him feel like He is in control. I have submitted to Him over things I really didn't want to do. I have talked and talked and talked with Him for countless hours over our situation. (It's not like I am hiding anything when it comes to this part of our relationship. If something is wrong, by god, He knows it). So communication is not an issue either, at least not from me. 


I am honestly at the worst loss I have ever been in my life. I have spent numerous nights crying myself to sleep over this. Wondering to myself "What have I done wrong this time? What am I not doing right?" It wasn't until one person told me "Maybe it isn't really you... Maybe it's Him." And while it felt like I was starting to blame Him, I did think about it. 


"Maybe it really isn't me..." 


As I let those words rumble through my head, I couldn't help but have a sinking feeling in my stomach that I was being selfish. That I was being immature to put the blame on Him. I felt like I was going against everything I had taught myself. That I was not taking responsibility for my own actions. Somewhere along the way, I had screwed up, and I was just trying to pawn it off on Him to make myself feel better. 


That is how I felt. And for a while, I believed that was my problem.


After much time thinking about it all, I began wondering if that were true. If maybe.. just maybe.. this really wasn't my fault. Maybe I did do everything I could do. Maybe this really wasn't my fault. So then.. what is wrong?


It clicked: Lack of drive.


Maybe Master just didn't have the drive to do this. For whatever reason, maybe something was truly holding Him back, and for once, it wasn't my fault. (I still wanted to blame myself, and a part of me this very day wants to continue to blame myself for all of this. After all, it was drove into my head, much thanks to my parents, that a lot of stuff that happens in my life is my fault, if not all of it). At least, that is how I've always felt.


Today was just like any day. We discussed it once more, and I finally said it to Him plain and clear as I could get. "I don't believe you are really into this. I feel like you try to convince me that you are, and I feel like you try to convince yourself that you are. Are you, really, though? Is this really what you want? Because I am really finding it hard to believe."


Every time we talk about this, it's the same things being said. That I feel like needs aren't being met. I feel like I've failed. I wonder if we're really cut out for this. Then.. I did something different. I said this: "I want you to think really hard and long on if this is really how you want our relationship to be. I don't want to hear "This is what I want." because I feel like it's just you telling me what I want to hear so I'll just stop talking about it for a while and leave you alone on the subject. I want you to really think it through. Think of everything you want from me, from us, and what you want our life to be. Not just what suddenly pops into your head.... If this is something you don't want to do anymore, I won't love you less. I won't even seek out another Master. It'll hurt, no doubt, but I will still be by your side and love you to the very end."


There was a long silence, then a subject change. Then more silence.


Needless to say it was a little frustrating, but I kept my cool and stayed calm. I'm pretty sure this was the first time we discussed this topic and no one cried, no one yelled. We were both just... calm. Tension did not fill the air for once, but instead, it felt like Master was truly thinking about it. For once He wasn't fighting me. He was actually thinking about the possibilities and running it through His head. I don't know what quite went through His mind, and I think it will be a while before this is all cleared up.


Silence still rang in the air, when He finally spoke. He told me that what He feels is really blocking our progress is that He is still vanilla deep inside somewhere, and that side of Him makes Him stop and think about certain things. That side of Him doesn't want to push me. It's afraid of hurting me. It's a side of Him that He has yet to part with. Because of this relationship, He feels like He is going against everything His family ever taught Him as He was growing up. So really.. there is an internal battle going on in Him. He also said his decisions always rested on making me happy, not Him. We wants me to be happy no matter what. And maybe that has something to do with his own comfort level.


I told Him I understood that more than ever, and that sometimes we have to do things for each other that neither of us will like. (Like the fact that I set down my own rule that when His classes start back up, He needs to leave my house by 8 on week days to make sure He gets plenty of sleep and finishes His studies. And between 10-11 on weekends). I don't like it because it is less time with Him, but it is beneficial for us and our future. Sometimes... we (as people) have to make hard decisions in life no matter how much it sucks, and how much it hurts so that we can ensure a good future for ourselves and the people we plan on spending the rest of our lives with.


I'm sure there was more He wanted to say, but He had to leave for work. I really don't know what is going to happen. I am honestly scared that He will admit that He is not cut out for this type of relationship, but I will accept that fate, if that is how it is meant to be. I made a promise to love Him no less, to stay by His side through what ever decision He comes to, and that is a promise I intend to keep.


I'm really praying we can find a real conclusion this time. Please keep us in your prayer/thoughts. If you all have any advice, now would be the perfect time to share it.


~*~Anastassia~*~