Being Appreciative

Last weekend was a tad of a struggle for us regarding our relationship. As any intelligent person knows, no relationship is perfect and none are exempt from trials and flaws. Like any other couple, be it vanilla or M/s, we argue, we fight, we clash at times, and we even disagree with certain situations. Last weekend... was one of those weekends. 

I now have a full time job working in the medical field (the field of my dreams), and Master is back in school continuing to get His degree in Civil Engineering and also working when He is not in class. So it is easy to say that we have a LOT less time with one another than we have had in almost half a year. I got so used to seeing Him off and on throughout the whole entire day that I think I started taking that time with Him for granted, and now that we only have maybe 4 hours in the evening to see each other and only weekends together, keeping our dynamic alive shows to be a tad challenging. 

By the end of our days that have been full of work and school we both want to crash in bed, cuddle up, and just rest together. While this is perfectly fine with me, I have always felt the need to have a stable, guiding hand to keep me in check, and for the most part Master is amazing at that. Lately, however, that has changed due to our schedules. I have noticed He has not been as on top of things with me and I am starting to become a little mouthy here and there. Even lazy at times. 

When He has told me to get Him something from the other room, I have caught myself saying something along the lines of "Ehh.. Why can't you do it? I'm tired..." in a somewhat whiny voice. Honestly that is so completely selfish of me and I have felt ashamed of that. It wasn't fair to Him for me to act that way when, like me, He has given each day His all and has put forth every effort He can muster.

We ended up getting into a heated argument about all of this. We were frustrated with one another. 

Why didn't I submit, even if He isn't ordering me? 

Why should I submit to someone who doesn't seem like He wants to be the Master?

It was petty, foolish fighting that was highly unnecessary. We both said some hurtful things to each other, though I think my words may have stung Him more than anything... and we ended up getting quiet and just letting all those words fade away into silence. At first, I didn't want anything to do with Him. I wanted to leave and be alone, and of course He wanted me to stay so that we could work things out. Needless to say, I ended up staying.

Silence. That was all that was heard for about 20 minutes after the argument. We both sat there collecting our thoughts. Instead of continuing the argument, though, Master decided He wanted to take me out on a date. I was reluctant, but He insisted that we do this and asked me where I wanted to go and He said that we would go see the movie Warm Bodies. 

I ended up picking Ruby Tuesday's for our dinner location where Master treated me to a rare cooked steak (my favorite) and a glass of wine. I admitted to Him that I didn't deserve this, especially after the way I had treated Him earlier that afternoon. Still, He insisted and said that I did indeed deserve it. That I deserved to have the best, even when I feel like I don't because He says so. I deserve it because He deems it so. I had never felt more humbled in my life up until that point.

Dinner was fantastic. We shared some laughs, I had a delicious meal with some of the best tasting wine I have ever had, and we even enjoyed the movie. After the explosion of emotions everything was finally calm again and Master and I salvaged that evening.

It wasn't till the next evening that we actually dug a little deeper. It was much like a night we had a couple months ago in which we learned about each other a little more. We had shared our favorite things like colors, songs, books, authors, what we wanted to get out of life. It was like we were rediscovering one another all over again. Except this time, it was about our M/s relationship. 

We were lying in bed, cuddling, and we talked about what had happened the day before. We clarified why we said the things we did, only we were a hell of a lot more civilized this time around. Apologies were exchanged and after a couple minutes of silence Master asked me a question He has asked me before.

"What does submission and being my slave mean to you?"

Caught a little off guard, I took a minute to mull the question around in my head and gave Him the best answer that I could think of. An honest one.

"It means fulfillment. It means I have worth and meaning in this world. I have something to live for and something to look forward to in the only life I'll ever have. It means devotion, happiness, and my truest expression of unfaltering love for you. It's the only way I can be myself, and in that I feel like I can be the most free and happy person I can be. It makes me happy knowing that I can serve you in such a way that I can make you happy. We may fight, but ultimately, your happiness is what is most important to me and me serving you makes you happy, therefore, it makes me happy."

I felt Him pull me closer against Him and He held me tight, kissing my neck and shoulder tenderly. We talked more about our relationship. Everything has been made clear and sometimes Master can't always be that bossy, domineering person 24/7, and I can't always be the perfect little slave that does everything on key. Sometimes we have bad days in which we are neither of those people. The most important thing, though, is that we know that this is okay when that doesn't happen.

After all, knowing that it's not always going to be sunshine and roses, I will be able to appreciate the days a whole lot more when Master is able to give me His all, and I am able to give Him mine. It's the little things...

I love you Master. Thank you so much for your devotion and your undying patience. You're the best thing that has, and ever will, happen to me. As long as I have you... life will be amazing.

~*~Anastassia~*~

An old photo, but I found it very fitting for this post.