For those who know me rather well, they know that I am a somewhat sexual person, but to be honest, I'm a VERY sexual person. It may come as a slight shock, but I've been sexual since around the age of six. I discovered masturbation at a pretty young age, at least I think 6 years old is pretty damn young to figure that out, and I've known about sex and how it works since about age 9.
Now, knowledge is one thing, and that is dandy, but I remember having sexual fantasies ever since I was rather young, and while I'm not proud of it, it is who I am and I'm not going to hide it. I think part of it was because of my up bringing. My father was very open about sex since I can first remember, and it was something he never did hide from me. Now don't get any idea's. He wouldn't partake any sexual activities in front of me, nor would he ever do anything to me, but he was verbal about it, so me "learning" things wasn't that hard. He was never really descriptive, but even at the age of 8, I knew when he was making a joke of the sexual nature, after all, I've never been an ignorant person, and there are certain things that I just knew about.
At any rate, I've really been thinking a lot about myself lately, and I've realized that I am a far more sexual person than I give myself credit for. I think about sex, and having sex with Master almost on a daily basis and I pretty much throw myself at Him all the time. I'm always trying to pleasure Him sexually in some form or fashion, and not a single week goes by that I don't engage in a sexual activity with Him. That is not to say that I depend on sex, because I don't. I've gone without sex and without any sexual contact for months after I lost my virginity.
This is just the type of person I am. I am very sexual, I'm sensual, I know that I'm good at what I do, and what fun would I be if I didn't flaunt it for Master a little bit? Haha...
I remember back in middle school, I used to masturbate an awful lot. About once, maybe twice, a week. Some weeks, depending on my "sexual frustration levels" I'd masturbate a few times a day, a couple days out of the week. I wasn't chronic with masturbation though, but I did enjoy it.
Kind of odd for a virgin... After all, I was a virgin till I was 15 years old, so... yeah. I thought it was strange for a virgin like me to have such a high sex drive, but then again hormones ran high, my body was changing, and I had been dealing with energy work, which I later realized was me using Tantric energy. (If you don't know what that is, look it up, and DON'T use Wikipedia... that site is full of bullshit).
There were times when masturbation literally didn't work. I would have multiple orgasms, and still feel so unsatisfied. I ended up writing erotica's (this was when I was about 12 years old) that were highly graphic. My mom found one once, and I guess it was so detailed my mom was certain I had already had sex. Little did she know, that I just knew what I was talking about because.. well.. my mind is awesome like that. I had never watched porn by this point either, so this sort of thing left my parents rather baffled.
Point is, I literally have been a sexual person my whole entire life. There are several things that could be the reason for why it started in the first place, but I'd much rather not focus on it. All I know, is that I am happy the way I am, even if that means that I may have the tendencies of a nymphomaniac. I don't whore myself out, well.. except to Master, and if that is as far as it goes, then I'm perfectly fine with that.
Call me crazy, but I enjoy being the sexual person I am. I think it keeps Master on His toes, and it's something that I don't think we'll ever get tired of. After all, sex is rather therapeutic for me. If my stress levels are running particularly high, and then I have long, passionate sex with Master, my stress levels will have diminished immensely, and I'll feel so much better about myself.
What is even more strange, is over a year ago is when I first learned about tantric sex and tantric magic. That is how I came to the realization I have that natural energy in a rather large abundance. A friend of mine, who has studied, and practice tantric magic, kind of showed me how to harness that a bit, but it was really just the beginning. Ever since I learned how to work this type of energy a little more on the efficient side, my sex life with Master has actually improved. Not that it really needed it, but now I can feel that energy, and the sex just feels different, and better.
This post is so spastic. It's almost 1am and I have no idea why I'm still awake, trying to type this. Sorry if some of this didn't make sense. I'll revise it tomorrow when I'm actually awake and more aware.
So in summary, I'm very sexual, I love it, and I hope to god this never changes.
~*~Anastassia~*~
Monday, August 29, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Disc Golf and Friends
Today Master and I got to experience sun shine, and a nice afternoon at the park with Angel, Panda, Winjojo, and RS. RS and Winjojo showed us the game of disc golf and we learned how to throw these frisbee like things called discs. Other than the hot sun, and the hilly terrain, it was pretty fun! I know it was great exercise, and it is something that I am interested in doing more often. I really don't have too much to write on this, but this is something that I hope we can all do again before it gets too cold. I'm very tempted in investing in some discs now. Thanks RS and Jojo! I'm pretty much hooked now.
P.S. We got some truffles that either RS or Jojo made and they were freaking FANTASTIC! Loved them. ^.^
P.S. We got some truffles that either RS or Jojo made and they were freaking FANTASTIC! Loved them. ^.^
Saturday, August 27, 2011
The Demons Within Me
I have fears that feel almost out of this world. In retro spect, not much frightens me, but there are certain things in this world that strike fear in my heart. The things that affect me this way are kind of hard to convey, though I will try my best to explain.
I can watch a simple horror movie and be perfectly fine. I can even watch movies of people getting killed in the most gruesome ways by another human, and I won't so much as bat an eye. Things that "go bump in the night", however, mess with my head in ways rather unimaginable.
Night before last, I failed to sleep more than two hours. All evening long I was watching paranormal videos and crap that I was well aware was fake. I had it in my head that none of it was real, and I believed it. My subconscious, however, was not thoroughly convinced.
It is a well known fact that the mind is the strongest thing about the human body. It can make you believe things that one normally wouldn't believe in. That night was no exception. I suddenly had heart stopping images pop up in my head of the Slender Man coming into my room, much like he did in those Marble Hornets videos, and basically killing me. Images of him looming over me and just never leaving. Needless to say my light never went off during night, though that didn't really help. After all he had been seen in bright daylight multiple times.
I do not understand why these things bother me so much. I KNOW it is not real in the least, so why must my head play these tricks on me? I feel so pathetic.... I'm twenty years old and things like this still unnerve me....
It's a wonder that ghost hunting doesn't terrify me. Based on my fear of all these other things, one would think that spirits would scare the piss out of me, but they don't. Saying that I'm baffled about all of this would be an understatement.
I've came to the realization that I am more afraid of things that I know are not real, versus all the things I know are real. I know murderers, rapists, spirits, etc. are all real, and one would think that is something to be more terrified of, but my mind works quite the opposite. Instead, I'm afraid of made up shit.
Hell, the Dead Space game series scare the piss out of me... NONE OF IT IS REAL! Tell me a rapist is loose in our nearby area? Other than being a little cautious, I'm fine! The pattern here is... odd. I just don't understand why I'm like this. No matter how hard I try to convince myself that the things that scare me are not real, it still gets to me.
Perhaps, I have some issues I need to deal with. I feel it is about time I do some soul searching and look within myself. Find out why I do this, why this bothers me so much, and try to fix it.
~*~Anastassia~*~
I can watch a simple horror movie and be perfectly fine. I can even watch movies of people getting killed in the most gruesome ways by another human, and I won't so much as bat an eye. Things that "go bump in the night", however, mess with my head in ways rather unimaginable.
Night before last, I failed to sleep more than two hours. All evening long I was watching paranormal videos and crap that I was well aware was fake. I had it in my head that none of it was real, and I believed it. My subconscious, however, was not thoroughly convinced.
It is a well known fact that the mind is the strongest thing about the human body. It can make you believe things that one normally wouldn't believe in. That night was no exception. I suddenly had heart stopping images pop up in my head of the Slender Man coming into my room, much like he did in those Marble Hornets videos, and basically killing me. Images of him looming over me and just never leaving. Needless to say my light never went off during night, though that didn't really help. After all he had been seen in bright daylight multiple times.
I do not understand why these things bother me so much. I KNOW it is not real in the least, so why must my head play these tricks on me? I feel so pathetic.... I'm twenty years old and things like this still unnerve me....
It's a wonder that ghost hunting doesn't terrify me. Based on my fear of all these other things, one would think that spirits would scare the piss out of me, but they don't. Saying that I'm baffled about all of this would be an understatement.
I've came to the realization that I am more afraid of things that I know are not real, versus all the things I know are real. I know murderers, rapists, spirits, etc. are all real, and one would think that is something to be more terrified of, but my mind works quite the opposite. Instead, I'm afraid of made up shit.
Hell, the Dead Space game series scare the piss out of me... NONE OF IT IS REAL! Tell me a rapist is loose in our nearby area? Other than being a little cautious, I'm fine! The pattern here is... odd. I just don't understand why I'm like this. No matter how hard I try to convince myself that the things that scare me are not real, it still gets to me.
Perhaps, I have some issues I need to deal with. I feel it is about time I do some soul searching and look within myself. Find out why I do this, why this bothers me so much, and try to fix it.
~*~Anastassia~*~
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
The Power of Music
Music is an art. The kind of art that can make one feel certain emotions. It can makes us feel sad, happy, violent, or sensual. Music brings out the primal versions of ourselves and shows us a new world around all of us. For example, the song Asphyxiation by Genitorturers (which I am currently listening to) gives me the sense of somewhat aggressive, passionate sex that involves doing just that, asphyxiating someone. The lyrics are powerful, and the instrumentals are just as strong. I almost can envision myself as the person within the song.
It's a release that we can only have when we hear these songs, that is without actually doing it.
For me, music is everything. When I listen to music, I feel as if a part of me is in that song and that I am somehow releasing a burden or certain emotions. I feel empowered by the music I listen to. I feel something inside of me that is so invigorating and powerful there are no words to describe it....
It's like for that short amount of time, I become this animalistic version of myself and I experience certain emotions that in otherwise a normal situation I wouldn't normally feel.
I have this relationship with music that gives me a certain type of energy. Perhaps this may seem odd, but I feel as if I am more of *myself* when I hear my music, and sing along with it. I actually LOVE scenes that involve music, as it fuels my energy, and I can probably achieve a higher amount of pleasure along with the flow of the songs.
For example, the same song I listed above was playing while Master and I were playing with one another. As soon as the chorus hit.. it was like magic or something... I remember it now. Those words echoing in my ears.
Anyways, it was spot on. The chorus hit, and Master grabbed me by the throat and began choking me. I couldn't breathe, and He persisted, fingering me as hard as He could, and I have never came like that before, or since. This particular orgasm was strictly different than any other I had experienced, and it was simply beyond bliss would ever dream to be. Magical doesn't really do it justice, but we'll go with that anyways.
My point is, music speaks to me in ways no mere human being can. It's more than the lyrics, itself. It's also the instrumentals. The way it sounds. The way it clicks with my body. So if you ever see me smiling while I'm listening to any song, it probably means that I've made some sort of deep connection with the song.
Granted, not all songs make me feel like that, but maybe I have gotten my point across. Maybe not. This was mainly meant for a special release for me.
It's a release that we can only have when we hear these songs, that is without actually doing it.
For me, music is everything. When I listen to music, I feel as if a part of me is in that song and that I am somehow releasing a burden or certain emotions. I feel empowered by the music I listen to. I feel something inside of me that is so invigorating and powerful there are no words to describe it....
It's like for that short amount of time, I become this animalistic version of myself and I experience certain emotions that in otherwise a normal situation I wouldn't normally feel.
I have this relationship with music that gives me a certain type of energy. Perhaps this may seem odd, but I feel as if I am more of *myself* when I hear my music, and sing along with it. I actually LOVE scenes that involve music, as it fuels my energy, and I can probably achieve a higher amount of pleasure along with the flow of the songs.
For example, the same song I listed above was playing while Master and I were playing with one another. As soon as the chorus hit.. it was like magic or something... I remember it now. Those words echoing in my ears.
As the cord pulls tighter, face is bleeding whiter and whiter!Doesn't seem sexy, I know, reading the lyrics along, but listen to the song, and if you're into that kind of thing, you'll understand better where I am coming from.
As the cord pulls tighter, spots in hell burn brighter and brighter!
Anyways, it was spot on. The chorus hit, and Master grabbed me by the throat and began choking me. I couldn't breathe, and He persisted, fingering me as hard as He could, and I have never came like that before, or since. This particular orgasm was strictly different than any other I had experienced, and it was simply beyond bliss would ever dream to be. Magical doesn't really do it justice, but we'll go with that anyways.
My point is, music speaks to me in ways no mere human being can. It's more than the lyrics, itself. It's also the instrumentals. The way it sounds. The way it clicks with my body. So if you ever see me smiling while I'm listening to any song, it probably means that I've made some sort of deep connection with the song.
Granted, not all songs make me feel like that, but maybe I have gotten my point across. Maybe not. This was mainly meant for a special release for me.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Tragedy Strikes The East Coast!
This morning was a peaceful one in the East Coast. The birds were chirping, sun was shining high in the sky. A gentle breeze was blowing through, and the air smelt of tranquility. It was approximately 2pm when everything went from calm and quiet to suddenly... HELL. ON. EARTH!!!!
There I was, sitting in my humble abode browsing the interwebz in my peaceful bed room. Not a single disturbance in the force, that is until 2pm. Suddenly, the room starting shaking violently, and things were falling off the desk I was sitting at. The doors and windows rattled of their hinges, falling to the floor with a loud thud!
EARTHQUAKE~!!!!!
Children were screaming, adults were crying and pissing themselves like they had suddenly been turned back into babies, and me, you ask? I manned the fuck up and stomped on the ground shouting "YOU WON'T GET ME DOWN TODAY, BITCH!"
And that is how I survived the 8-23-11 earthquake on the east coast....
No but seriously, this didn't really happen. I mean.. the earthquake did, but nothing fell off. Actually.. I barely noticed it.... Still this was fucking hilarious. I mean.. check out these other photos that today inspired.
Fucking. Priceless. XD
There I was, sitting in my humble abode browsing the interwebz in my peaceful bed room. Not a single disturbance in the force, that is until 2pm. Suddenly, the room starting shaking violently, and things were falling off the desk I was sitting at. The doors and windows rattled of their hinges, falling to the floor with a loud thud!
EARTHQUAKE~!!!!!
Children were screaming, adults were crying and pissing themselves like they had suddenly been turned back into babies, and me, you ask? I manned the fuck up and stomped on the ground shouting "YOU WON'T GET ME DOWN TODAY, BITCH!"
And that is how I survived the 8-23-11 earthquake on the east coast....
No but seriously, this didn't really happen. I mean.. the earthquake did, but nothing fell off. Actually.. I barely noticed it.... Still this was fucking hilarious. I mean.. check out these other photos that today inspired.
Fucking. Priceless. XD
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Some Good News
Alright, last week I had posted about telling Angel that I liked her, and all that jazz. The next step was for her, her Master, my Master, and myself were to all talk about it. Set limits and such as to what was acceptable and not acceptable. Master and I were supposed to go over there yesterday evening, but Angel had not been feeling to well, as her endo was really kicking her ass yesterday. (Poor girl, I really hope some day that she can find a way to get rid of that problem, it really does take a toll on her sometimes).
Knowing that the pain for her can be really excruciating at times, I told her she should rest, and not worry about cancelling plans, so she ended up going back to bed and rest it off a little bit. I was glad she did, because the way she described the way she was feeling yesterday, it sounded like she was pretty miserable, and I really hate seeing her that way.
Anyways, getting to the point now. (Sorry~!) We ended up talking about it, briefly, over fet last night and turns out we had the same views all along. Everything was to be non sexual (which is great with me, as I didn't want it to go that way anyways) and that we were allowed to cuddle, kiss, be play partners and stuff like that. The cool part, is that we're already so close that we've kind of played together before, and I mean, kissing and snuggling didn't really seem that far off anyways. lol
So gladly, we agreed that would be as for as it goes without making it into a relationship, and that way everyone can be happy. ^.^ So now~ I guess we shall see where this goes. Hopefully well. ^.^ *smiles like a dork*
I'm pretty excited.
Anastassia
Knowing that the pain for her can be really excruciating at times, I told her she should rest, and not worry about cancelling plans, so she ended up going back to bed and rest it off a little bit. I was glad she did, because the way she described the way she was feeling yesterday, it sounded like she was pretty miserable, and I really hate seeing her that way.
Anyways, getting to the point now. (Sorry~!) We ended up talking about it, briefly, over fet last night and turns out we had the same views all along. Everything was to be non sexual (which is great with me, as I didn't want it to go that way anyways) and that we were allowed to cuddle, kiss, be play partners and stuff like that. The cool part, is that we're already so close that we've kind of played together before, and I mean, kissing and snuggling didn't really seem that far off anyways. lol
So gladly, we agreed that would be as for as it goes without making it into a relationship, and that way everyone can be happy. ^.^ So now~ I guess we shall see where this goes. Hopefully well. ^.^ *smiles like a dork*
I'm pretty excited.
Anastassia
Nightmares
It happened again last night... I had another really bad dream about Master being this horrible monster of a person, that in real life, He really is not. I know I've never talked about this before, but here it is now, and I've got to get it out somehow.
Over the course of the (almost 3) years we've been together, I'll randomly have dreams, or rather nightmares, about Master that basically make Him be out to this evil person I know He's not. It started out simple. At first, they were dreams of Him breaking up with me, or telling me that He didn't love me, stuff like that. Then they gradually got worse. There was one dream where He cheated on me, told me he never loved me, that He was just using me for His sexual pleasure, and that He'd never love me.
Nightmares like that would have me waking up in the wee hours of the morning, crying my eyes out and calling Master just to make sure that He was still there, that He still loved me and wasn't going to go anywhere. These dreams feel so real at times, that when Master has called me in the middle of them, and woke me up, I'd be thinking it's still happening, and once cursed at my Master in mid sleep over the phone. =/ When it finally hit this point, Master started getting really worried.
I didn't really know anything else to do but ignore it, as usual, an d just go on my way. So up until last night it had been about a month, maybe longer, since I had one of those dreams, but like most recurring dreams, I knew it would be a matter of time before it would happen again, and this past night gave me the worst fucking dream I've ever had about someone.
It was based around night time (which I've noticed is usually when these dreams take place. For some reason it's almost always at night) and Master had been to work. I was waiting for Him to come visit me on His lunch break, like He always does, but the call never came, and neither did He. I eventually picked up the phone and called Him, to which He answers very angrily.
I asked Him to come home, because I wanted to see Him, and He informs me that He never wants to see my face again, and hangs up. (It gets a LOT worse). Eventually, He comes home, and there is some rather whorish looking woman with Him. Thin, with short dark hair, and really pale skin. Almost sickly and kind of diseased. He told me He had been using me. That He never loved me (yes, all the same things before, only just wait..) and that He was going to run off with that bitch and have His way with her. (AKA Rape)....
He took off in His truck, and I ended up chasing Him down to some abandoned looking house. I literally dropped to my knees in front of Him, begging Him to stay, telling Him that I'd never doubt Him again, that I loved Him, that I'd do anything for Him, and never question Him, ever again.
The look in His eyes, were nothing short of pure evil, and He just grinned at me, saying that it was cute how I groveled at His feet, and that if I truly loved Him, I'd have to watch Him do a sacrifice. The girl from before? She was the sacrifice. I watched in horror as he cut off her hands, and gut her abdomen like a fish only to watch her bleed out, and die.
After she had passed, He fed her to His pet wolves. I didn't watch that part, but I know when I finally opened my eyes, she was gone, and the wolves had blood all over their snouts, feet, and chests.
It was at this point, I finally got to wake myself up, but I found myself shaking myself awake. For some reason, even though I tried waking myself up from the dream, it just kept going till that point, before it basically released me.
I don't get it... I've NEVER had dreams like this about ANYONE else (well, except maybe my biological mother, but it was nothing like that, and it's a different story) but... it's only Him.. It's like my subconscious is trying to tell me that He is pure evil. That He is only out to hurt me, and if that were the case, why hasn't He done it yet?
I honestly have no idea what is wrong with me... I mean.. this is getting so bad, I'm very tempted to go to a professional or something. I hate having dreams like this, and it puts so much stress on me, it's not even funny. I mean, I know it's a dream, but the fact that my subconscious depicts my own Master like that is HIGHLY bothersome to me. I really... really don't like this....
I'm going to get my mind off this. The more I think about it, the more it eats at me, and that is the last thing I need right now.
Anastassia
Over the course of the (almost 3) years we've been together, I'll randomly have dreams, or rather nightmares, about Master that basically make Him be out to this evil person I know He's not. It started out simple. At first, they were dreams of Him breaking up with me, or telling me that He didn't love me, stuff like that. Then they gradually got worse. There was one dream where He cheated on me, told me he never loved me, that He was just using me for His sexual pleasure, and that He'd never love me.
Nightmares like that would have me waking up in the wee hours of the morning, crying my eyes out and calling Master just to make sure that He was still there, that He still loved me and wasn't going to go anywhere. These dreams feel so real at times, that when Master has called me in the middle of them, and woke me up, I'd be thinking it's still happening, and once cursed at my Master in mid sleep over the phone. =/ When it finally hit this point, Master started getting really worried.
I didn't really know anything else to do but ignore it, as usual, an d just go on my way. So up until last night it had been about a month, maybe longer, since I had one of those dreams, but like most recurring dreams, I knew it would be a matter of time before it would happen again, and this past night gave me the worst fucking dream I've ever had about someone.
It was based around night time (which I've noticed is usually when these dreams take place. For some reason it's almost always at night) and Master had been to work. I was waiting for Him to come visit me on His lunch break, like He always does, but the call never came, and neither did He. I eventually picked up the phone and called Him, to which He answers very angrily.
I asked Him to come home, because I wanted to see Him, and He informs me that He never wants to see my face again, and hangs up. (It gets a LOT worse). Eventually, He comes home, and there is some rather whorish looking woman with Him. Thin, with short dark hair, and really pale skin. Almost sickly and kind of diseased. He told me He had been using me. That He never loved me (yes, all the same things before, only just wait..) and that He was going to run off with that bitch and have His way with her. (AKA Rape)....
He took off in His truck, and I ended up chasing Him down to some abandoned looking house. I literally dropped to my knees in front of Him, begging Him to stay, telling Him that I'd never doubt Him again, that I loved Him, that I'd do anything for Him, and never question Him, ever again.
The look in His eyes, were nothing short of pure evil, and He just grinned at me, saying that it was cute how I groveled at His feet, and that if I truly loved Him, I'd have to watch Him do a sacrifice. The girl from before? She was the sacrifice. I watched in horror as he cut off her hands, and gut her abdomen like a fish only to watch her bleed out, and die.
After she had passed, He fed her to His pet wolves. I didn't watch that part, but I know when I finally opened my eyes, she was gone, and the wolves had blood all over their snouts, feet, and chests.
It was at this point, I finally got to wake myself up, but I found myself shaking myself awake. For some reason, even though I tried waking myself up from the dream, it just kept going till that point, before it basically released me.
I don't get it... I've NEVER had dreams like this about ANYONE else (well, except maybe my biological mother, but it was nothing like that, and it's a different story) but... it's only Him.. It's like my subconscious is trying to tell me that He is pure evil. That He is only out to hurt me, and if that were the case, why hasn't He done it yet?
I honestly have no idea what is wrong with me... I mean.. this is getting so bad, I'm very tempted to go to a professional or something. I hate having dreams like this, and it puts so much stress on me, it's not even funny. I mean, I know it's a dream, but the fact that my subconscious depicts my own Master like that is HIGHLY bothersome to me. I really... really don't like this....
I'm going to get my mind off this. The more I think about it, the more it eats at me, and that is the last thing I need right now.
Anastassia
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)