I come from a broken background, and that has some lasting emotional scars that makes simple every day life hard to cope with at times. I know I've spoke of parental divorce, my family not being so close knit (like Masters' family is), and I've even opened up to my readers about how I was molested at the age of seven. There is one thing, though, that I don't think I've really covered all that much, which is that I have severe abandonment issues.
Partial blame goes straight to my up bringing. Thanks....
Two of the things I listed above happened almost simultaneously, and the molestation thing happened while neither of my parents were around, so I'm pretty positive that plays a huge role in my abandonment problems. Regardless that is in the past and not the point of my post today. My point is that I am still struggling with this and with trusting people. Even Master.
Last night was a rough night, and really the details are not that important, at least not important enough to write about. Some things are better left unsaid. I will say one thing though, that when someone close to me hurts me even once, because of my dark past, I find it harder to trust them the second time around; I think Master has learned that the hard way since being with me. That is not to say I do not trust Him, because if I didn't, He wouldn't be my Master; I just find it really hard to trust people with certain things.
For the first 2 1/2 years of our relationship, I felt unwanted for reasons I will not go into, but I finally have my answers as of last night, and that will help me on this path of healing. I know better now, and while I do have my doubts about certain things, I now have the ability to work past these doubts, and hopefully get rid of them once and for all. That will take some time, though.
As I explained to Master last night, hopefully for the last time, a normal person wouldn't have thought twice about what happened between us, but I am no where near what society perceives as "normal" and that I have problems a lot of people do not. I am far more sensitive and emotional than I'd like to admit, and I have a hard time keeping trust in people.
I love Master more than anything else in this world, and I trust Him more than anyone else, but that does not mean that trust comes easily. I wish I could say that I trusted Him undoubtedly with ever single thing, but sadly that is not how it works. After all the years of hurt and pain I've endured most of my life, I'm more than a little gun-shy. I do know one thing though, and that is I trust Him more than I have ever trusted anyone else in my life, and as long as I'm with Him, it will more than likely remain that way.
Some of you may feel I am selfish, some of you may understand my reasoning, and some of you will probably think I am nuts out of my mind, but simple thoughts and judgmental processing will not, and can not, change who I am. What will change that, is me. I'm not nearly as bad about trust issues as I used to be (I mean just look at what kind of relationship I am in), but I definitely have a long way to go.
One thing is certain.... I am possibly the luckiest person alive at this point. Master has been so patient with me, and He does get frustrated with me, I know He does, but I don't think anyone else would be this willing to be so patient and loving of me, and accept the problems that come with me as well. And I'm very thankful for that.
I honestly don't think Master will ever know the extent of how much I truly love Him, but as long as I have Him by my side I can continue to grow, to open up myself to Him more, and maybe some day, these trust issues will finally be gone. Maybe some day, I'll never have to doubt Him again, because that barrier will be shattered into a million pieces. I only hope He gives me the room to grow, and He maintains the patience He's given me for over the last three years.
To be honest, I have never felt more vulnerable in my life.
~*~Anastassia~*~
Monday, February 13, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
New URL and Blog Title
So some of you may be wondering why I changed my blog title and url. The answer is simple. I felt this made more sense as opposed to "Curiosity Saved This Kitty." I feel this new change supports the idea behind my blog, which is that this blog is about my submission to Master, and my life as His slave.
Sorry for any confusion.
~*~Anastassia~*~
Sorry for any confusion.
~*~Anastassia~*~
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Positive Reinforcement
If there is anything that I have learned since becoming a slave, is that a relationship like this takes a lot patience, communication, devotion, and love. There is one thing though that snapped me back into reality just a little bit ago, and gave me a feeling like no other. That feeling can not be describe as mere happiness, or joy, or even pride. It's much bigger than that to me, and words are so minuscule to even dare try to phrase it.
Today, I was assigned a task. A small task that really did not require much thought at all. I was to clean the area between Master's bed and the closet, then clean the bed. Simple as that. For some reason, though, I felt the need, or rather want, to take it up a notch. I did as I was told, and then I decided to make the bed, then to clean by the t.v. stand, and I even put away all of the DVD's, movies, and books into a storage tub that fits neatly underneath Master's bed. I even decided to plug up Master's PS3 controllers so they would be charged by the time He wanted to play His games next. I also rearranged a few other things in the room so that there is plenty of space to move around, and neither of us would be tripping over it.
Most of that was stuff I decided to do on my own, without Him asking, and I have to admit, I was pretty proud of myself.
After I finished, I patiently waited till He got off work before preparing myself for the final touch. I heard Him pull up to the house in the truck around 6 P.M. this evening, and quickly positioned myself in the Nadu position in the middle of the now clean floor. A smile crept to my face as I heard the door open and heard His voice from the first floor of the house. He always lets me know He is home by saying "Hello" or something similar.
As I heard His foot steps ascending the stairs, I felt my smile get bigger.
"Hey hon."
"Hi Master."
"Oh hello~" He said with a smile.
"It's nice coming home to this."
The conversation carried on with Him complimenting on how nice the room looked, and I mentioned that a few other things were different. He couldn't quite figure it out, so I reached under the bed to pull out the box that held his games, books, and movies.
"Remember you had a hard time finding a place to put all of this? Well that is no longer a problem."
The smile upon His face was nice to see, but what really made the moment was when He embraced me in His arms telling me that this was a good thing, and that I was a good girl. That right there was the best thing I have heard all day, and brought a certain warmness and joy into my heart. Even removing His shoes after a long day made me feel at "Home." That was when it hit me, almost like an epiphany of sorts...
Positive reinforcement is key. It's one thing to want to serve, and to be given orders, but it's another thing when the Master is pleased, and in return the slave is pleased because he/she is rewarded with something as simple as "You're a good girl/boy." I not only was happy with making Him happy, but it made me feel wonderful to know that my efforts were not in vain and that, most of all, I was appreciated. Appreciation strikes home more with me than anything, because I have never really felt appreciated in my life. I think Master knows this, so something like a "thank you" or a little praise goes a long way with me.
I was just asked by Him a few minutes ago of what I wanted as a reward for what I have done for Him, but to be honest, I already feel as if I've received my "reward."
~*~Anastassia~*~
Today, I was assigned a task. A small task that really did not require much thought at all. I was to clean the area between Master's bed and the closet, then clean the bed. Simple as that. For some reason, though, I felt the need, or rather want, to take it up a notch. I did as I was told, and then I decided to make the bed, then to clean by the t.v. stand, and I even put away all of the DVD's, movies, and books into a storage tub that fits neatly underneath Master's bed. I even decided to plug up Master's PS3 controllers so they would be charged by the time He wanted to play His games next. I also rearranged a few other things in the room so that there is plenty of space to move around, and neither of us would be tripping over it.
Most of that was stuff I decided to do on my own, without Him asking, and I have to admit, I was pretty proud of myself.
After I finished, I patiently waited till He got off work before preparing myself for the final touch. I heard Him pull up to the house in the truck around 6 P.M. this evening, and quickly positioned myself in the Nadu position in the middle of the now clean floor. A smile crept to my face as I heard the door open and heard His voice from the first floor of the house. He always lets me know He is home by saying "Hello" or something similar.
As I heard His foot steps ascending the stairs, I felt my smile get bigger.
"Hey hon."
"Hi Master."
"Oh hello~" He said with a smile.
"It's nice coming home to this."
The conversation carried on with Him complimenting on how nice the room looked, and I mentioned that a few other things were different. He couldn't quite figure it out, so I reached under the bed to pull out the box that held his games, books, and movies.
"Remember you had a hard time finding a place to put all of this? Well that is no longer a problem."
The smile upon His face was nice to see, but what really made the moment was when He embraced me in His arms telling me that this was a good thing, and that I was a good girl. That right there was the best thing I have heard all day, and brought a certain warmness and joy into my heart. Even removing His shoes after a long day made me feel at "Home." That was when it hit me, almost like an epiphany of sorts...
Positive reinforcement is key. It's one thing to want to serve, and to be given orders, but it's another thing when the Master is pleased, and in return the slave is pleased because he/she is rewarded with something as simple as "You're a good girl/boy." I not only was happy with making Him happy, but it made me feel wonderful to know that my efforts were not in vain and that, most of all, I was appreciated. Appreciation strikes home more with me than anything, because I have never really felt appreciated in my life. I think Master knows this, so something like a "thank you" or a little praise goes a long way with me.
I was just asked by Him a few minutes ago of what I wanted as a reward for what I have done for Him, but to be honest, I already feel as if I've received my "reward."
~*~Anastassia~*~
Saturday, February 4, 2012
30-Day BDSM Challenge: Day 4 & 5
First off, I'm putting these two together cause I didn't get to do Day 4 yesterday due to some minor set backs. A friend of mine was hanging out with me, left her keys at home and her room mate didn't get some till about 10:30 last night. By that point I was way too tired to even fool with a computer.
Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?
I will point back towards my last post about being tied up at the age of 13. I think that was a definite hint right there. I know I've always been a people pleaser too, especially to my past bf's, so that probably hinted at my submissive nature as well.
What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.
I know for a fact my first kinky sexual experience was definitely with Master. If I remember correctly, our first experience together was of wax play and a rape scene. >.> Yeah...
~*~Anastassia~*~
Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?
I will point back towards my last post about being tied up at the age of 13. I think that was a definite hint right there. I know I've always been a people pleaser too, especially to my past bf's, so that probably hinted at my submissive nature as well.
What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.
I know for a fact my first kinky sexual experience was definitely with Master. If I remember correctly, our first experience together was of wax play and a rape scene. >.> Yeah...
~*~Anastassia~*~
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Dear 10 Year Old Self
This year is going to be a rough one, as well as the years that follow, but I promise you, things will get better. Here in about a month or two, you will lose your grams to a heart attack on Easter Sunday. It will be really tough, and you'll miss her a lot. Her funeral will impact you pretty hard, and you'll be pretty frustrated with having to deal with someone very important to you no longer being in your life. It's going to be okay. I know it may not seem like it in the moment, but you will push through, and she will be up in heaven watching out for you every second of the way. Even if it doesn't always feel like it.
Your dad will marry your step mother this year as well, and it will be scary to move away to a place you've never been before and forced to meet new people. I know moving has been the norm for you in your short life at this point, but I promise you, you'll be safe in your new home for the next ten to eleven years. All those horror stories about step mothers being evil will not come true here. At first, you're going to want to fight her tooth and nail, and it will seem like she is that evil step mother, but in due time you will realize that not only does she love you with all of her heart and soul, but she is doing the best she can. After all, she's never been a mother before you came along, so she is learning too. She will make mistakes, but no one is perfect.
Some of the things she will say and do will hurt you, but trust me, it is for the best, because she will inspire you to be the best person you can be. You'll not understand it at first, but as you grow older and mature into a young woman, you will soon see that what she did was for the best, and that she really can be a very supportive and caring person. Just trust me on this. She really isn't evil. She loves you more than your biological mother could ever love you, and she will protect you, even if it doesn't seem like ti right now.
The following years will be harsh and confusing to you, because you are going through all these hormonal changes, and you won't know what to do with yourself. By the time you reach high school, you'll be so depressed that you'll try to kill yourself at least once. Don't do it. You have SO much to live for, and you have so many people who really do love you. Just because you don't realize it and don't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there. Your family loves you, and so do your friends. You'll end up pushing through this dark moment in your life, and you'll start realizing your self worth. You may still argue with your parents from time to time, but deep down, realize they are just as scared for you and your future as what you are. This is new to them in some aspects too. Give it some time. You'll see. You really are loved and that will never change.
By the time you reach your junior year in high school, you will start getting better grades than you have before, and this will start making your parents proud. You'll also come to terms with something that happened to you when your biological parents were having a divorce, and at first it will be very hard to cope with. It's okay, because that is another obstacle you will push through and will no longer hurt you as bad as it used to. It's frightening at first, but keep up faith. You'll be okay in due time.
In your senior year of high school, you'll become friends with a boy who is one year younger than you, and he will become your best friend. You'll eventually realize you have feelings for this person, and you'll be scared at first to engage a relationship with him, especially after all those past failed relationships you've been through. You'll start thinking this will be a short term thing, and that you'll just end up breaking up and hopefully staying friends. He will prove you wrong, and he'll be the best thing that has ever happened to you in your life. Trust me, he is a keeper and you REALLY don't want to give him up. It'll be worth it and he will teach you the true meaning of what love is, and he will teach you to no longer be afraid. He will be there through your best and worst times, and he will love you no matter what.
By the time you graduate high school, you won't be too sure of what to do with yourself, and you'll take about 2 1/2 years to decide you want to go back to college. You'll get your first job in November of 2009 and at first you will love it. Eventually, it kind of sucks, and you'll want to quit. There will be days where customers will want to make you cry, and a few times they actually succeed. You'll also call your mother up one evening before work, crying on the phone, saying how bad you want to quit, but she will give you the courage to deal with it, and you'll regain hope again.
As the next couple of years go by, your relationship with your father will kind of diminish a bit, and things will be tough between you two for a while. Don't worry. Even though he may say some hurtful things to you and act like he doesn't care, somewhere deep down inside I'm sure he does. He just sucks horribly at showing it. No matter what he says or does to you, no matter how bad he hurts you, never stop loving him. He is your father after all, and he's the only one you have. Maybe some day he will see the error of his ways, maybe not, but it is NOT up to you to judge him for it. That is something that should be left to God. Just be glad you still have your father around. Life is too short to hold grudges, even if you don't always agree with the things he does. I'm sure he loves you and he is proud of the accomplishes you will make in your life. He just has a hard time conveying those emotions. It's okay. As I said before. NO ONE is perfect. Not even you.
By this time in your life, you will still be with that boy that I mention above, and you will have been with him for over three years. Pretty long time, huh? You both are now in college. He is studying to be a Civil Engineer, and you are studying to be a medical assistant. You will soon realize that you aspire to become a nurse practitioner and you will work VERY hard in college to get there. I don't know if you will succeed in this, because as I'm writing this, I'm not that far into life myself. Just know by this point, you have grown into an amazing young woman, and that you are doing great.
You will become a great person, even if it doesn't feel like it at first. Hold your head up kid. It's going to be a bumpy road, but it's going to get better. Just give it some time. I love you Jessie, and you will learn to love yourself too.
Sincerely,
Jessie
30-Day BDSM Challenge: Day 3
How did you discover you were kinky?
Oh man! I was really anticipating this one, and I'm pretty excited to talk about this particular moment! ^.^
When I first discovered I was kinky, I was about 12-13 years old. I remember my friend and I hanging out at my place one afternoon after school, and I had an odd thought come to mind. "Hey! I wonder if I can escape bondage in a certain amount of time!" So I asked my friend to tie my wrists to my bed posts with some scarfs as tight as she could and time me to get out of it!
It took me a few minutes, but I was finally free and we both really didn't think much of it. Just a little bit of fun. However, that evening, I couldn't stop thinking about it. The feeling of almost helplessness as I struggled from being bound and tied up. That night, I ended up masturbating to the thought of being like that, and having a guy suck on my nipples and torturing me. I never told anyone about it, and this is actually the first time I'm opening up about it.
For a couple of years I thought it was odd, but about age 15 my curiosity got the best of me and I started doing some research online. I wondered if these things and thoughts were normal. Before too long, I was looking at all these bondage sites and realizing that other people were like me. Other people loved rough sex, and other people wanted to do the same things I wanted to do. People were actually doing things I had been day dreaming about for the past few years, and they were having fun with it! That was possibly the most exciting day of my life. (At that time)
At any rate that is my experience and how I figured out I was kinky. Perhaps it was a little too young for me to figure that sort of thing out, but you know.. I knew things that would blow most 13 years old's minds. So~ yeah. Not really proud of that, but we figure things like this out at some of the weirdest times.
~*~Anastassia~*~
Oh man! I was really anticipating this one, and I'm pretty excited to talk about this particular moment! ^.^
When I first discovered I was kinky, I was about 12-13 years old. I remember my friend and I hanging out at my place one afternoon after school, and I had an odd thought come to mind. "Hey! I wonder if I can escape bondage in a certain amount of time!" So I asked my friend to tie my wrists to my bed posts with some scarfs as tight as she could and time me to get out of it!
It took me a few minutes, but I was finally free and we both really didn't think much of it. Just a little bit of fun. However, that evening, I couldn't stop thinking about it. The feeling of almost helplessness as I struggled from being bound and tied up. That night, I ended up masturbating to the thought of being like that, and having a guy suck on my nipples and torturing me. I never told anyone about it, and this is actually the first time I'm opening up about it.
For a couple of years I thought it was odd, but about age 15 my curiosity got the best of me and I started doing some research online. I wondered if these things and thoughts were normal. Before too long, I was looking at all these bondage sites and realizing that other people were like me. Other people loved rough sex, and other people wanted to do the same things I wanted to do. People were actually doing things I had been day dreaming about for the past few years, and they were having fun with it! That was possibly the most exciting day of my life. (At that time)
At any rate that is my experience and how I figured out I was kinky. Perhaps it was a little too young for me to figure that sort of thing out, but you know.. I knew things that would blow most 13 years old's minds. So~ yeah. Not really proud of that, but we figure things like this out at some of the weirdest times.
~*~Anastassia~*~
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
30 Day BDSM Challenge: Day 2
List off Your Kinks
First off, I have many kinks, most of which I have probably talked about at some point or another. I don't know if most or some of you know this, but I identify myself as a kitty girl. So pet play is an automatic. (Actually, I haven't been able to do this in a while, and I'm hoping to change that in the near future). If you want me to be specific, I've always seen myself as a rag-doll/ragamuffin type kitty. The silver fur with black tipped ears and black paws and the ice blue eyes. So.. that's for some visual effect there.
I also love all things fire. Fire play was something I had always want to try, and thanks to Panda and Angel, I actually got to try it not too long ago, and I'm pretty addicted to it. Wax play is something else I happen to enjoy, especially if I'm in a masochistic type of mood.
I also love to be tied up in rope from time to time.
Honestly, my list could go on and on, but I'll just make a list for you all and leave it at that. I'm really not in a great mood today and I kind of just want to sleep.
Anyways~
Kinks:
Fire play
Wax play
Pet play
Spankings/Beatings
Needle play
Cock worship
Energy play
Blood play
Vampirism
Nipple torture (I own a few nipple clamps for this reason)
Orgasm control/denial (also including forced orgasm)
Gags
Asphyxiation
Just to name a few. I could be typing up the whole list for about an hour (give or take a few minutes) before I'd be done.
Some kinks I would like to try:
Water bondage
Electrotorture
Voyeurism
And~ I'm sure there a few others but I can't seem to think of them right now. Hope you all enjoyed this entry. Sorry it's so boring and not as super details as I was originally planning on making it. Maybe when I'm in a better mood, I'll come by and edit it and make it more fascinating.
~*~Anastassia~*~
First off, I have many kinks, most of which I have probably talked about at some point or another. I don't know if most or some of you know this, but I identify myself as a kitty girl. So pet play is an automatic. (Actually, I haven't been able to do this in a while, and I'm hoping to change that in the near future). If you want me to be specific, I've always seen myself as a rag-doll/ragamuffin type kitty. The silver fur with black tipped ears and black paws and the ice blue eyes. So.. that's for some visual effect there.
I also love all things fire. Fire play was something I had always want to try, and thanks to Panda and Angel, I actually got to try it not too long ago, and I'm pretty addicted to it. Wax play is something else I happen to enjoy, especially if I'm in a masochistic type of mood.
I also love to be tied up in rope from time to time.
Honestly, my list could go on and on, but I'll just make a list for you all and leave it at that. I'm really not in a great mood today and I kind of just want to sleep.
Anyways~
Kinks:
Fire play
Wax play
Pet play
Spankings/Beatings
Needle play
Cock worship
Energy play
Blood play
Vampirism
Nipple torture (I own a few nipple clamps for this reason)
Orgasm control/denial (also including forced orgasm)
Gags
Asphyxiation
Just to name a few. I could be typing up the whole list for about an hour (give or take a few minutes) before I'd be done.
Some kinks I would like to try:
Water bondage
Electrotorture
Voyeurism
And~ I'm sure there a few others but I can't seem to think of them right now. Hope you all enjoyed this entry. Sorry it's so boring and not as super details as I was originally planning on making it. Maybe when I'm in a better mood, I'll come by and edit it and make it more fascinating.
~*~Anastassia~*~
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)