Disclaimer: While I'm being 100% serious with what I wrote here, don't feel bad if you laugh, because I truly find my situation hilarious in ways.
It may be hard to tell from how much I write, and what all I write about, but I really am a socially awkward person. Always have been. Yesterday was the first day back to classes after our break, and a teacher of mine wanted the students to get to know one another. That's when it hit me. I have nothing to say. And that's when I realized, this is always how it starts out for me. Honestly, I'm surprised I have friends at all because I don't even know how to start a conversation. Even a simple one.
I found myself just nodding my head and listening to what the girl next to me was saying, or at least trying to listen to her. The noise from all the chatter was so loud I could barely hear her. I just sat there nodding my head going "Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh okay." and that was about the extent of it. It wasn't because she was boring. I found some of the things she was saying interesting, but I just.. didn't know how to respond. I always do that.
It's kind of funny because this happened in my Social Psychology class, which is the first of my two Psychology classes that I'm taking this quarter. Maybe through these classes, I'll be able to understand myself a little better. Who knows, I may even find out ways to be less awkward when engaging conversation with new people. Then again, I may be stuck like this for life, and if that is the case I am okay with that. I mean.. it obviously has not been that big of a problem, and I'm still able to talk with people from time to time and such. So maybe there really is nothing to be fixed.
All I know is that I've always been that way, and to this day, even with people I have been friends with for a long time, I find it hard to say things right, and I find it hard to communicate my thoughts and feelings. Maybe I'm not socially awkward, but I lack in communication skills. Then again, I have this thing where if I'm in a large crowd of people, I freak out. Especially if I don't know the people. It's a wonder I've survived going to dances and meetings and munches and play parties and stuff. I think the only reason I DO NOT freak out at play parties is because I already know most of the people to some extent, and I am also in my element with people who are in that same element. We all share one major thing in common. We're all kinky people who can relate to one another in some form or fashion.
Maybe, subconsciously, that makes a big difference to me and that is why I never have internal freak out's there. Just a thought.
Another thing I find funny, is that when I mention having freak out's around large crowds of people, I always hear from my friends "That's not true. You always remain so calm and collective. I don't believe you." Well, as true as that may be, keep in mind I keep MOST of my freak outs internally. Meaning, I could be smiling and laughing on the outside, but on the inside, I'm freaking the fuck out, and I want a moment to just escape. Don't get me wrong, there have been times it's leaked out, but that is when I'm extremely stressed. That's when it actually shows, but if someone doesn't know what to look out for with me, I could be freaking out right next to them, and they'd never know it. I'm subtle like that at times.
Also, there are times when I meet new people while I'm with someone, I won't even talk unless introduced first. I don't know if this comes from my submissive nature, or if this was something that was hard wired into me since I was little. Maybe I am like this because I just am. Regardless, I have this thing where I just.. can't speak. No matter how hard I try, I either just don't say anything cause I feel like the words are stuck in my throat, or else I say something stupid, and then I'm forever known as hat "weird girl" who just awkwardly stands there and stares off into the distance. Cause I do that too when I can't think of things to say.
Somehow, though, I have managed to break through some of this at certain points in time, and I've managed to make friends. How I've done this, I'm not quite sure. Honestly, I'm thankful for the internet, because without it, I would not be able to communicate as well. I type a lot better than I talk. I don't stutter, and hell, that is how I ended up telling Master I really liked Him for the very first time. It was over an AIM conversation. Had it been in person? I would have stammered, stuttered, gotten all fidgety (possibly sweaty) and bailed out.
I used to always pretend I was this sort of bad ass chick who could do and say just about anything with ease, but to be honest, that is who I wanted to be so desperately. Not to say I was lying, but I did have a facade of sorts so I don't know..
Now days, I really just don't give a care nearly as much. Sometimes it still bothers me, but I've learned to accept myself for who and what I am, even if that means I tend to transform into that socially awkward penguin from time to time. I like penguins! So I guess it suits me! lol
Yup.. Pretty much sums it all up.
~*~Anastassia~*~
Everyone knows that the start of a new year means the start of new things, at least for most. For me, this also means new beginnings. In my last post, I mentioned working on myself a lot more this year, and that also means my health. For the past couple of years I found out I had IBS, and I am also now lactose intolerant. Meaning I REALLY have to watch what I eat, but I noticed I really have not been paying attention because I still have issues with getting sick and it really ruins moods and dates with Master and such.
As of today, Master and I have started a new work out routine, and I'm really hoping to keep up with it every day. I complain too much about how I am uncomfortable with my body, and this is a great time to change that view of myself. We had a nice dinner of bite sized chicken chunks which were marinated in lemon juice straight from the lemons, lemon pepper seasoning, and chicken enhancing seasoning. We also had steamed broccoli with a light cheese sauce. It was definitely really delicious. ^.^ Plus I think it was a nice healthy meal too.
After dinner, we took an hour out of our time to do some yoga, so that went well too. The DVD we did yoga to helped work my core ab muscles and worked what felt like every muscle in my body, and then some. The tension in my back seems to have lessen since doing that, so I know this was great for me. Plus it worked up a little sweat, which is definitely great!
Right now is down time, and I'm taking this moment to reflect. Honestly, even though it's only been day one, I feel great. In fact, I feel a lot better than what I did when I woke up this morning. I feel relaxed, rejuvenated, and all around just happy. I know this routine will get harder for me at first, but I'm hoping to push past that "Oh this is really hard!" phase and into the "I'm starting to feel and see results" phase that I know will keep me motivated and on track.
My main reasons/motivations for wanting to start this are simple.
1: I'm almost 21 years old, and I am not in the shape that a 21 year old should be in.
2: I'm hoping to have kids some day, and I'm hoping to stay active with them. In order to be active with my children, I need to be physically fit and live a healthy lifestyle.
3: If I'm in fit, Master and I could do more crazy things regarding kink and exercising, and I think that could help us bond a little better.
4: Exercising with Master makes me feel closer to Him.
5: I hated the fact that this past summer when we went on the 8 mile bike ride with Critical Mass, I was so out of shape I nearly had a heart attacked and pretty much hyper ventilated.
6: I want to kick my asthma back to the curb. I used to be able to control it a bit better when I was a kid and active, but since I've gained weight, it takes a tole on me. I miss being in more control over it.
7: By exercising more, I can lose weight and actually fit and looks good in a bikini like I used to be able to. I miss that as well.
So the list is pretty decent, but I think they are all things that are reasonable and do-able within due time. I personally do not think it is too much, and I feel that if I can keep myself motivated, I can actually achieve those goals. I want to lose AT LEAST 30 pounds by late spring, early summer. I'm hoping by the end of this year, I will weigh close to 145 pounds. As of today, my current weight is 212.2 pounds.
When I started eating healthier and cutting out most of my soda drinking and replacing it with water, I weighed in at 223 pounds. That was almost 2 months ago. I think the weight I've lost has been water weight, and this is where the fat burning begins. I'm also hoping to get my body toned, because I really need the upper arm strength, and I've always wanted a toned belly. So that is another goal by the end of this year.
I'm sure it will be a lot of work, and there will be hard times in which I will want to lie down and quite. I'm sure that with the production of sweat, there will also be tears. I know that I will have to fight against some of my stronger urges to eat junk food, or to just not exercise, but I'm hoping with the encouragement of Master and my friends, that I can push past all of that, and continue down the road of a healthier new me.
I am also hoping that along with that, I can also grow emotionally into a beautiful woman on the inside. I'm hoping to learn how to control my emotions better, and to learn to be more considerate of myself and those around me. I am also hoping I can learn new ways to serve my Master, and learn to not be so lazy and be more productive. I pray I can get past my self-consciousness, and learn to love myself even more than I do now, and love myself no matter what.
I am going to strive to be a better person from here on out. I'm going to give to charities more, and be more assertive. I'm going to attend gatherings with friends more, and I'm going to learn that it's okay to be me. I'm going to strive to open my heart a little more this year, and be more caring of people.
These are all things I know I can achieve with just a bit of hard work and the right mindset along with the right attitude. I'm going to live this year and each day like it may be my last, and I'm going to do my best to enjoy each minute of it, even if it sucks. At least I'll be alive and have the ability to experience such hardships, and that's something I can take pride in. Those hard times can help me grow.
I'm happy to say that even today, I have made a small step in the right direction.
Have you considered your possibilities?
Here is wishing myself luck, and wishing anyone else luck on their own personal journeys. Remember to always have faith. Eventually everything will work out for you.
~*~Anastassia~*~
So this is a day late, but I was busy all day and I wasn't even able to get to a computer. The New Years Eve Bash with Master Paul and everyone else was a lot of fun. The collaring ceremony between Master Paul and His slave was very sweet, touching, and even made me tear up a little. Got to meet some more new people who were really sweet and cool, got to do a couple of play sessions. One of which I got hypnotized by RS, and that.. was interesting. I got to speak with Master Fire and she's hoping Master and I can come visit her sometime to do a little needle play sometime! ^.^ So I'm looking forward to that.
Yesterday I went with Master to see some of His family up in Kentucky, so that was a lot of fun. His aunt and uncles' place was beautiful. We spent a few hours there, but most of our time was spent on the road because it takes about three hours to get there, and three hours to get back home. So yeah. You do the math.
A few friends have already asked, "What is your New Year Resolution?" and I keep thinking to myself, "I really.. don't know." I guess the only thing I can really think of is that I want to work on some things about myself like body image, my self-esteem, attitude, learn to be more relaxed than so uptight, and work on ways of serving Master better.
Most of that stuff is definitely for myself, but I really wanted to focus more on myself this year so I can better myself FOR Master. I'm sure it would make things a lot easier on both of us. I'm really hoping I can tackle most of my problems, but these things take time, and we will see where this goes.
Hope everyone has a great year.
Also.. CTHULHU WILL COME FOR YOU! =P
Happy 2012.
~*~Anastassia~*~
Yesterday started off promising once I started receiving texts from Angel about how she wanted to use her Hitachi on me. Of course, how can one deny having a pretty girl play with them? ;P So I of course agreed to it, even though I was scared out of my mind, and I was nervous. Honestly, I almost backed out, but I sucked it up and it was well worth it. We'll get to that in a bit, though.
Master and I ended up going over to Angel and Panda's around 6:30. Upon arriving there, I was pretty much ordered to take off the shirt and bra I was wearing so Master could put me in the brand new corset I bought. I wanted to show it off anyways. It was kind of funny because up until that point, Panda was in the back of the apartment, so the moment he first saw me, I was shirtless in in their apartment. XD Something tells me he wasn't phased at all. Haha.
I wore the corset for a bit, but after a while, I had tot take it off, because lets face it, those things, as pretty as they are, are not really meant for comfort. It was kind of hard to breathe in it, but the pain was well worth it. Master and Panda ended up leaving to grab something to eat, and that gave Angel and I the time to catch up, and I also got to show her a few new toys that Master and I had recently bought. ^.^
As Master and Panda walked through the door, they saw me putting up the new vibrating glass dildo I had, and started making jokes and sarcastically saying "Oh, you were just showing it to her, huh?" Perverts. lol We all ate dinner and watched CharDee MacDennis of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Which was pretty darn funny.
Shortly after the episode, that's when the fun began. We all went to the bedroom, where Master took my pants off from me, and I was tied to their bed. I remember thinking it was kind of funny that I didn't seem to care I was lying in the same bed where Angel and Panda sometimes had their relations. Honestly, that sort of thing bothers me, but not with them. It's not that I like it, but I just.. don't mind, is the best way to put it. I also remember feeling very nervous, scared, and even excited.
The only bed I've ever been bound to was my own Master's bed, so it was definitely different. I really like the set up they had on their bed though. Really need to look into bed restraints. Though rope is nice too. Anyways, I got tied to the bed, and Angel was almost instantly between my legs with the Hitachi. At least it felt that way. When she turned it on, that buzzing noise filled my brain with so many outcomes, and I felt tense. Mainly from being nervous.
She worked on me for.. I'd say about an hour with the Hitachi Wand, and they were all surprised to see I hadn't cum a single time. I tried explaining over and over it's hard to make me cum, and really it can be, but the fact I was so nervous definitely played a part. I knew all eyes were upon me, even if it wasn't the whole entire time, and as exciting as that was, it was also scary. I will admit, though. I enjoyed it very thoroughly.
I only felt truly bad when Master stepped in and He was the one who made me reach orgasm. A part of me felt like I had failed Angel in some form or fashion, or that I had made her feel she didn't do well. Honestly, she was very nice to me, and she really didn't do anything wrong. I really did want to cum for her. Is that.. odd to say? I'm a little upset I didn't, cause I tried letting go for her.. I really did. I just.. don't know why I just couldn't. Maybe it was several things at once, but it definitely had nothing to do with her, and I pray to God Himself that she realizes that.
A part of me wonders if it had been just the two of us in there, and no one else looking, I might have came for her last night. I just.. I really hope it didn't damper her mood or anything. Regardless, they got to see me cum, and I think that was part of the point. I still want a Hitachi, though. Maybe some other time.
After I came down from the orgasm that Master helped me reach, we all sat around and plated some games. Which was pretty fun. I was hoping to also be able to play with Angel a bit, but she just wasn't feeling well. I could understand that, plus I noticed she was really protesting it, and I just wouldn't have felt comfortable doing anything to her, knowing that she was not 100% up for it. I didn't like hearing and seeing her upset, and I was afraid that she would have lost respect for me if I went through with it.
I walked into the room and took her out of the arm restraints on the bed, and took off her blindfold. Knowing how sex and sexual activities can tend to be very.. sensitive for her, I suppose is the best way to put it, I ended up cradling her in my arms, telling her to calm down, and that I wasn't going to do anything against her will. She seemed to relax almost immediately, and she went from what seemed like a very tense and unhappy girl, to the happy Angel I saw earlier that evening, and that brought a certain joy into my heart. Knowing that something so simple as what I did could bring her to happiness.
She stayed snuggled up to me for a bit, before we all went back to the living room where we spent the rest of the night talking, telling scary stories and having fun. All in all, I think last night went well, and I was very happy to see them again. After some things we covered last night, though, I found it very hard to sleep. In fact, I didn't fall asleep until sometime after 4 in the morning.
This morning, however, I realized I had left my corset at their place, so on my way to Master's place, we stopped by and retrieved the corset from Angel. She looked like she hadn't been up long, and she was so darn cute. I couldn't resist the urge to hug her and give her a kiss on the head before leaving for Master's place.
This upcoming Saturday, there is a New Years Eve kink party going on, and it looks like Master and I may be attending. Angel and Panda are hoping to go, if neither of them fall ill and if they are feeling up to it, so I'm hoping I can see them there along with a bunch of other wonderful people I haven't seen in a while. ^.^
I suppose that is all I have to say right now, so I'm going to get back to my newest obsession, which is H.P. Lovecraft. Hope everyone has been having a great time.
~*~Anastassia~*~
P.S. If you wish to see Angel's side of the night, check it out here.
Tonight is going to be something else. For the last half hour I've been getting these naughty texts from Angel saying that she's going to use her Hitachi on me and restrain me and stuff.. RAWR!!! I REALLY have no idea how to react to this, other than blush and frantically move about the house in a fit of flustered embarrassment! I DON'T KNOW~!!! *flails about*
I'm excited, but scared, but in good ways. My biggest fear is that if this does happen, I'm going to cum and I've never came in front of anyone like that. The thought is scary, but hot and I really... just have NO idea.. my god... MREH~!!!
She.. is such a freaking tease.. and funny enough.. this whole teasing and promising has me kind of turned on too. Okay.. yeah.. I am turned on. *blush* Crap.. she's probably reading this too.
GOTTA GO!!!
For almost a week now, I have pretty much been on a hiatus and hadn't really posted anything. Guess it really doesn't matter though, anyways. Lets just say I've been pretty busy with the holiday stuff and also spending some time with Master and what-not. This past week has been pretty hectic. I had to work Christmas Eve which was complete bullshit because I missed out on yet another Christmas with my family. Needless to say, each Christmas seems to get worse and worse.
This year, all the grand kids gathered around for a picture with momaw, and of course, I was the only one missing. Needless to say, I cried pretty hard over it. I know it may seem silly, but to me it is a big deal and it was just heart breaking to know that there would be a picture of momaw and all the grandchildren, but I'm the only one who isn't in it. I hold pictures very dear to me, and I always have. So pictures are a very special thing to me.
At the very least, I got to see Master's family, so that was nice. They are always so welcoming of me, and they are always really nice to me. I also got a really nice camera for Christmas that takes some amazing photo's. Plus, Master's parents were nice enough to get me some gifts as well, and His dad got me the newest Photoshop program to date. ^.^ So I get to learn how to mess with that. Yay! That should keep me busy for a while!
A couple days before Christmas, though, Master and I went to the Lion's Den where we got a hogtie kit and another glass dildo that came with an insert-able vibrator bullet that had ten different speeds. ^.^ That was pretty fun. I'll post up some pictures and the video later in another post. It was definitely very... very nice.
Christmas evening, my cousin, Kyle, came over and stayed the night, so it was nice spending some time with him. We took him home last night after going to the mall. Got him a late present there.
Lately, I've been really.. well not sick.. but I've been getting really nauseated as of late and it's been pretty bad. It seems like no matter how healthy I eat, or how little I eat, I seem to always feel sick. I'm seriously about to give up food altogether. I'm sick of feeling like I'm going to throw up all the time. Plus I have IBS and it seems like nothing EVER helps with that either. So going out is not much of an option. I'm just hoping I'll be feeling better tomorrow, because Master and I are supposed to go see Angel and Panda to hang out and give each other late Christmas presents too. I haven't seen them in a while, and I'd like to not be sick so I can see them.
Plus, I'd REALLY like to get my hands on a Hitachi Wand, because I STILL have to wait to get one. I don't know why Master thinks Panda and Angel got us one for Christmas. It's kind of expensive, at least they were $60 on amazon last I checked. I'm pretty sure they are wanting to save their money, which is perfectly fine with me. I would have been fine even if they hadn't bought anything for us at all. I just want to see them. lol Either way, I'm thankful. ^.^
Tomorrow afternoon, Master and I are supposed to hang out with some friends we haven't seen for a while since our plans with Angel and Panda aren't until 6pm-ish. So that gives us plenty of time to have some alone time, and see some other friends too. ^.^ I'm excited.
I've also come to the conclusion a few days ago that I'm a pretty bitter person for someone who is only 20 years old. It's kind of sad, but funny. I came to this realization when I saw all these stupid people posting stupid shit online the other day, and I found myself making fun of them and basically calling them idiots. Well.. I thought a few other things too, but I've also just.. I've just been mean, to be honest. I'm not proud of it at all, but I guess I had just had enough of people saying stupid shit and just spoke my mind right on the spot. Perhaps being a little too blunt for normal.
Gotta work on that, I suppose.
Also, a side note, I hate those commercials showing animals that have been abused an neglected. That is an insta-cry moment for me, and thankfully Master just changed the channel. God, I hate those commercials. =/
Welp, I'm going to wrap this up, and I'll be making a post soon showing off that video and pictures of our newest toys. ^.^ Hope everyone had a great Christmas.
~*~Anastassia~*~
Yesterday was, of course, a very busy day. There was quite a bit to accomplish since Master finally had a day off the same time I did. We spent most of yesterday running errands, taking care of last minute presents, doing chores, and Master even got His hair cut! (It looks great).
We started off our day kind of early, but not so much, around 10:30 and headed back to His house. We got a shower in, and even got to have some much needed sex. (Seriously. Waiting two weeks was ridiculous. I'm so glad my period is over). After we got ourselves cleaned up and ready to go, we headed to get His hair cut. I'm pretty happy about this. I love the way Master looks when He gets His hair cut. ^.^ That's not to say He looked bad before. I just like short hair on Him better than long hair. Plus He shaved after our shower too, so He's all cleaned up nice. X3
We then went to the bank, took care of a few things there, headed to my house where I washed the dishes for my mom. (She's doing a LOT better than she was a year ago, but she still needs help around the house). After that we finally got to head up to the mall where we did some last minute Christmas shopping. After we got our gifts, we went back to Master's place where we wrapped up the presents. We even got to have a little bit of fun wrapping His dad's present. XD
When His dad saw it, the look on his face was priceless. He really has no idea what he's in for. Hahaha
After all that fun was done and over with, Master and I took a trip out to Milton to explore The Lion's Den. While there, we got a hog tie set, and another glass dildo what came with a vibrator. I can't wait to try them out! ^.^ Hopefully, i can post pictures later on so I can show them off.
I was a little bummed out though, because I didn't realize till after Master had already put the items up there to buy, there was a Hitachi wand there, which I want SO very bad. Master won't let me buy one until after the holidays are over though, and I'm not sure why. He just wants me to wait, so I guess I'll just wait. There is also another toy there that is VERY similar to the Hitachi wand, but was a lot more expensive because of how new it was, and because it is wireless and rechargeable. I got to see a demo one, and I turned it up all the way, and man that was powerful! I kind of want that one too!
After getting some more new toys, Master took me out to dinner to celebrate the fact that I got all A's on my report card this quarter. ^.^ So I got a nice juicy steak. (Yes, I am spoiled when it comes to steak). Master is at work today, so I'm pretty bored right now. I'm hoping He'll actually get off work at 5:30 tonight instead of at 7 or 8 or something. This over time crap is really getting on my nerves.
Anyways, that's the update. Hope everyone is having a great time, and I'm wishing all my readers a Happy Holidays!
~*~Anastassia~*~
