Tuesday, April 26, 2011


Yesterday evening, Master and I were sitting here in my room and He brought up something that, not only caught me off guard, but it hadn't been brought up in months. A poly-amorous relationship. This is something Master and I have talked about for over a year, off and on, and was something that was talked about as a hypothetical situation. We were kind of serious about it, but not so serious that we would consider it right then and there. It was just a "what if" conversation that really didn't get too far.
Though this time, it was different. Master wanted to know more about my thoughts and feelings on this type of thing. So I thought about it for a bit and realized that I still am not really sure on my thoughts and feelings. I do know that right now, emotionally, I am no where near ready to move to this step IF Master and I ever decided do this. I still have a lot of insecurities to work out in myself in order to feel comfortable with not only owning my own pet or submissive, but be okay and accept the fact that they would be submitting to Master as well.
I know Master says that He would always put me first, because I came first in our relationship, and while that is nice and all, a part of me feels like.. well it isn't wrong, but it wouldn't be "fair". I'm the type of person who believes in equality, and even though I enjoy the thought of being number one, it just wouldn't be right, in my opinion, for Master to hold me above our pet.
Now... some of my biggest fears, which is what is mainly holding me back from this until I can work out my fears and get rid of them, is that Master would fall in love with the new addition to our relationship. To me, this is a VERY serious thought and I know that if it would happen (at this point in our lives) that I just couldn't handle it. The thought alone of Master even KISSING another person kills me a little on the inside.
Another fear I have is that in knowing that if I ever had a pet, and that she would also be Master's pet as well, is that she might out-do me (so to speak) in serving Master better than myself. Sure.. this sounds a little silly, but one of the biggest things I take pride in is serving Master, and if someone were to do a better job than I do.. I think it would probably cause a bit of jealousy to stir up in me.
These are the biggest and main reasons I know I am NO WHERE near ready for a relationship of this sort. Later on in the future, however, once I have matured some more and become more settled and happy with myself, this is something that I think I could do. I think once Master and I have stabled our lives in the future, maybe after we're married and have a place of our own and everything, that adding someone else to the picture might be possible, and I think I could do it then.
Does the thought of having my own pet right now get me a little excited and happy? Yes. Even now, the thought alone sounds nice. I just hope that if Master decides later on that this is something He'd like to pursue, that I will have the emotional strength to go through it as well..
Now one last thing to clear up, Master is not wanting another addition as of right now. This is something we discussed to basically just do that. Discuss it, which is pretty normal for us. Right now Master and I are doing well with just having one another, but the thought is there and maybe some day, we may put that idea into plan. We still are not sure yet, and wish to wait it out for a few more years.
Anyways, those are my thoughts and feelings on it. I hope that one day Master and I can try this, but for now, we will remain monogamous with one another.

New Exercise Plan!

This right here are the exercises that I will be doing from here on out. It's kind of long, and is divided up into two main groups and one sub-group:

Flexibility Warm Up Exercises and Calisthenics. Sub group in Calisthenics is Belly Fat Busters. 

Altogether, there will be 19 different exercises that will work your muscles. I know this sounds silly, but for anyone who will be doing these (or any other exercises for that matter) DO NOT FORGET TO BREATHE. You will be surprised how well any type of exercise will work for you if you just relax and breathe. If you tense up, you won't get the full effect. If you do these exercises correctly, you should be able to feel it in your muscles. You'll know it when it happens. 

Keep in mind, while doing these series of exercises, if you can't get it on the first try, it is normal, and don't be discouraged. Practice makes perfect, and as they say, no pain, no gain. Just do it as best as possible, and with regular exercising, it should become a little easier. Also, KEEP YOURSELF HYDRATED! Water is your best friend. I'm sure you'll be taking breaks in between exercises, so while you are taking a break, it is best to drink some water. Gatorade works too if you're a gatorade person. NO SOFT DRINKS.

Forewarning, there is a LOT of repetition involved.


Flexibility Warm Up Exercises

1: Arm Circles - With your arms straight out from your sides, rotate them counter clockwise 10 times, making a circle with a diameter of about 2 feet. Repeat in clockwise direction.

2: Twisters - From the same position, and with your feet spread about 30 inches, twist all the way to the right and hold for a count of 10, then to the left. Repeat twice more in each direction.

3: Toe Touches - Stand comfortably with feet slightly apart. Keep the legs straight, slowly bend over and reach as far as you can. Hold for a count of 5 seconds and repeat several times. (Do this how ever many times you feel comfortable with, basically).

4: Back Stretchers - With your feet spread apart slightly more than shoulder width, bend over and reach as far as you can between your legs and touch the ground. As before, do this slowly, hold for a count of 5, and repeat several times.

5: Achilles Tendon Stretches - Stand in front of a wall approximately 3 feet away, keeping your feet flat on the floor. Place your hands on the wall and lean forward, as if doing a push-up. You should feel your calf muscles stretching. Again, execute slowly, holding for 10 seconds and repeating several times.

6: Trunk Benders - With one arm extended up over your head and the other on the hip, slowly bend sideways at the trunk and hold for a count of 10. do this to each side several times.

7: Sprinter Stretches - From a squatting position with hands on the floor, extend the right leg backwards as far as possible and hold for a count of 10. Do this with each leg several times.

8: Sit and Reach - From the seated position, and with your legs straight out in front of you, bend over slowly. Try to touch your toes and put your head on your knees. Hold for a count of 10 and repeat several times.

9: Knee-Chest - Lie flat on the floor with your legs extended out and pull your right knee up to your chest and hold for a count of 5. Do the same with the left leg and repeat several times.

10: Groin Stretch - From the seated position, pull the heels of your feet as close to the buttocks as possible. Slowly press your knees down towards the floor. Hold for a count of 10, repeat several times. ( I hated this one!)


(Here is where it starts getting a bit more on the hard side)

1: Thighs Modified Knee Bends - With your feet as wide apart as your shoulders, your toes pointed striaght ahead, and your hands on your hips, squat until your thighs are parallel to the ground. Be sure to keep your back straight. Hold for a count of 5 and repeat several times.

2: Arm and Shoulder Extensors - There are two ways to do this. If you're like me and suck at regular push ups, then B is an easier way to get the same effect. Once you feel you have enough upper body strenght later on, you can always start doing regular push ups.

A: Full Push Ups - With your toes on the ground, lean forward and put your hands on the ground about shoulder width. Keeping your back straight, lower your upper body to the ground and back up again. Repeat several times.

B: Modified Push Ups - Same as above, except do these with your knees on the ground, not the toes. Don't forget to keep the back straight.

3: Back Benders - Lie on your stomach with your hands and fingers interlocked behind your head. Then raise your trunk up as high as you can. Repeat several times.

4: Calf Muscle Toe Raises - With your hands on your hips and standing erect, raise up on your toes as high as possible. To makie it a little harder, place a 2 inch board under your toes. Repeat several times.

5: Abdominal Sit-ups - From a position of lying on your back with knees bent at a 90 degree angle and your hands behind your head, come up to a sitting position. As you do so, touch your left knee with your right elbow and alternate knee touches thereafter. Repeat several times.

6: Side Leg Lifts - Lie on your side with your head supported by your elbow and hand. Lift your leg as high as possible and return to normal. Repeat for the other leg and repeat this process several times.

Belly Fat Busters

7: Reverse Crunch - Lie on your back on the floor. Bend knees, lift feet 6 inches off the ground. Slowly bring knees forward to the chest and lift your butt off the ground. Contracting abs, slowly lower legs to start position. Repeat 15 times. Breathe out on the way up, and in on the way down. Do 3 sets.

8: Oblique Crunch - Lie on your back and bend your knees. Place right foot across the left knee. Place your left hand at the side of your head, right hand on the floor. Curl body with a twisting movement, bringing left shoulder to right knee, then slowly lower your body to the ground. Repeat 15 times. Repeat with left foot across right knee. Repeat 15 times. Do 3 sets.

9: The "Bike" - Lie on your back on the floor with your hands behind your head. Bend knees and bring them towards your chest, lifting shoulder blades off the ground. Straighten left leg out to a 45 degree angle while turning your upper body to the right, bringing your left elbow toward your right knee. Switch sides and continue alternate sides in a pedaling motion, never letting your feet touch the floor. Do 15 reps, both left and right side. Do 3 sets.

Those last three SUCK! But there you have it. And by the time you are done doing all 19 exercises, if you are not breathing heavy, sweating, tired, and sore, you're doing something wrong! Hahaha~! Enjoy and I hope it works out for you.

Friday, April 22, 2011

The Truth FINALLY comes out.

So for the past two years I thought I had finally made some good friends, but turns out, one of the three new friends I made wasn't all he was cracked up to be. I recently got into a bit of a tiff with said friend, warning him that the girl he was pursuing wasn't right in the head and that he better watch out for her. He smart mouthed me asking me if I was "done talking yet" and I got the hint and dropped it. He clearly didn't want my help and ignored the fact that I have known this girl half of my life. That's cool. Turns out I was right. But now I'm blocked for it?

Master, who said friend considers to be really good friends with, decided to figure out what the hell was going on. This is what happened.

Master: Hey. Sup?

Michael Hodge: nothing much man, just chillan

Master: cool. how's life?

Master: fag.

Michael Hodge: sorry just a little drunk

Master: waddup bro?  also, you block Jess?

Michael Hodge: nothing and yeah man i did, im ur friend not hers

Master: what the hell man?  What did she do?

Michael Hodge: just always been that way man

Master: This causes a random block of her?

Michael Hodge: yeah pretty much

Master: that's pretty weak bro.  What'd she do to you man, honestly?

Michael Hodge: thats honestly it just got tired of it

Master: tired of what?  All I've ever seen is her be nice to you and vice versa.  You guys always seem to look out for one another.  This just doesn't seem like you man.

Michael Hodge: im just really good at acting man, but shes a deal breaker when it comes to hanging out with u, shes so self centered its scary, honestly u can do better, ask anyone whos hung out with u two, iv always been this way, just hid it

Master: that's messed up bro.  Not cool.  not one bit man,  I'm honestly hurt.  

Michael Hodge: honesty ususally does, but iv always been the one to tell u something and u know its what needs to be said.

Master: You have never said this before.  I'm getting the feeling this is triggered by something very recent

Michael Hodge: just did some mind searching and found that i needed to start saying more that needed to be said, its just been building up. hate to throw them under the bus but tell jake and taelor what iv said and they'll tell u the same thing

Master: I'm doubting that.  Honestly though, she's done a whole lot to be your friend, she even got up early so we could see you as you came in for the first time from the Navy.  She's tried to do nothing by be friends with you guys and want's nothing more.  This just seems pretty low.

Michael Hodge: i know it seems like it man, and u cant believe im say this to u, but honestly ask them, u might be suprised

Master: All I'm seeing here is a lot of vagueness in what you're saying.  How is she a deal breaker?  self-centered?  This just doesn't sound anything like the Mike I'm used to.

Michael Hodge: yeah i know but thats just cause we dont hang out much anymore, but ever notice how we plan to hang out and then ud mention jessie would be there and i or us would be busy, and she always just seems to think about herself when we hang out and just ruined the nights when we did

Master: I don't see how she thinks about herself while we're hanging out, and those night's that were messed up were my fault as well bro.  You know how I mess up a  lot of things, so don't put all this on her man.

Master: I still don't see how she's a deal breaker through this either

Michael Hodge: idk how u do it man, just talk to them  and then talk to me

Master: I'll talk to them sometime soon and see.  

Master: Aside from all this, how'd you and Brandy turn out?

Michael Hodge: total fail but its all good

Master: What happened?

Michael Hodge: she just didnt work out

Master: ahh, crazy?

Michael Hodge: pretty much, told me something was cool then deleted me off facebook so i said fuck her

Master: I told Jess to warn you, but she said you blew her off about it.

Michael Hodge: pretty much, im a grown man, i dont need anyone to warn me

Master: at the time, we just wanted to let you know she had a history

Michael Hodge: yeah but u know i give everyone  a chance 

Master: yeah, I know

Michael Hodge: might just be 1 but i always give it

Master: imma get offa here. talk to you later bro

Some friend eh? Yeah. I'm so self-centered that I tried looking out for you so you wouldn't get hurt. I'm so self-centered, that I canceled days that Master and I were supposed to have alone time JUST TO HANG OUT WITH YOU. All of us together. I'm so fucking self-centered, that when Brenda was treating you like shit, I told her she could fuck off and to leave you alone. I'm so self-centered that I have been looking out for you since day one.


Mike, if you ever read this, but you probably won't, you can go fuck yourself. You're just as much as a pussy as ever. You can't even tell this shit to my face. You instead, block me with no notice, what-so-ever, and not even say a word to me. For a guy who is in the Navy and is about to do a shift in Iraq soon, you better grow some fucking balls, because buddy, you won't last a hot minute out there. Take your ego and shove it up your ass. I don't need someone like you in my life anyways.

Also, know this, I talked to Taelor, and you're so full of shit. I can't wait till this blows up in your face. Once again. I'm right and you can suck on that. You're dead to me. Oh and one last thing... I hope you realize that Master has lost a lot of respect for you, and good luck getting that back. Fuck you, and the horse you rode in on. Have a nice life and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out. Actually.. no. I hope it hits you pretty fucking hard.


   Pissed off, and done.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

A Moment To Reflect on My Life

Grab some popcorn, readers, because this may take a while.

What I am about to write here may be somewhat devastating, scary, funny, and (most of all) mind opening. If not, then I have failed to get my point across and you can just live your lives daily and think nothing of it.

Alright. Here we go!

Lately, I have been taking my time on working out my life and becoming rather disheartened at certain things falling through. I have spent far too much of my personal time worrying over every little detail (as I typically do) that I haven't just stopped or a single moment in MONTHS to actually look back on a few things that has gotten me through my life so far. I feel as if I am taking everything for granted here as of late, and I believe it is best for me to sit down and really reflect on my life and just be thankful for everything that has ever happened to me and be grateful that I have come out of certain situations not only alive, but unharmed (for the most part).

Shall we start with when I was a little girl? I was about four years old (God I feel like I'm writing a life changing story and reflecting on my life. Lol) I had just taken home my very first kitten. Her name was midnight. She was a beautiful black kitten and she was the highlight of my life (other than the fact that Bear was always my kitty too, but he didn't live with me till.. well.. you'll find out later if you keep reading). With the help of my biological parents I had learned how to liter train my cat and how to take care of her. She was the best ever. She was mine. I loved her just as much as Bear and I couldn't wait to keep her for the rest of my life.

Sadly, that was not the case. If my memory serves me right, and this is pretty much me guessing because my memory is a little fuzzy, we had only had midnight for about a 2 weeks before something happened to her. This something was the very beginning to the hatred I hold toward my biological mother to this day.

My kitten, who was still not fully potty trained yet, had pee'd behind the couch. She didn't know any better yet and I mean.. when you gotta go, you gotta go. My mother, who found her in the act immediately became enraged and took the broom to the kitten. breaking the cats back in six places. I can still hear the poor kittens cries of pain to this day. We rushed the kitten to the vet shortly after my mother had her episode and the kitten was put down immediately. What excuse she gave the vet, I still do not know to this day, but I know one thing is true, she didn't tell them she was what caused this horrible thing to the innocent life of a baby animal. 

I remember the car ride back home. I screamed at my mother, telling her I hated her and that she was going to hell for her crime. (I grew up in a religious household, so the word "hell" was not unfamiliar to me as I had heard it in church numerous times and knew what it meant). It was at that point that I was positive my mother was damned and I didn't care. She deserved it for killing my cat and showing no mercy in it. She wasn't sorry, and neither as I that I was sure on the fact that she was going to burn.

I hadn't always been an angry person, and still am not to this day, but even as a kid, when I was angry, it was made quite clear, and for some reason, I could harness it far too easily than I should.

Now, don't get me wrong. Until the divorce, she and I had a wonderful mother daughter relationship, from what I could remember, and I was almost always happy. I lived in a nice house, we weren't rich, but we sure weren't poor, and I had it pretty well there. We were a normal family and we loved one another as we should. We spent every Sunday and Wednesday at church and I read my mothers bible when I could. We were, for the most part, an average and happy family.

Then about the age of six, things got... weird. Moms started acting different. Saying things like my dad's Darth Vader automated coin bank with light up light saber, was made from the devil. That anything Star Wars related was the devils' work. ESPECIALLY Darth Vader. At first, that was all, but it progressed, as most weird happenings do. She became almost.. terrified and belligerent when it came to that Vader coin bank. I remember coming home from school one afternoon and seeing mom and dad fighting. Dad was pretty pissed at the fact that mom had the audacity to throw away his Vader bank. She threw it in the trash and disposed of it in the dumpster out back in the field by the gravel road. 

There were a few other things that were a bit weird, I'm sure, but I don't quite remember them as clearly as I do this next thing I'm about to write. Be warned. Things are about to become a bit graphic from here on out.

It was early fall and I was.. I want to say 7 years old. Maybe. I had spent all day in my summer night gown and had taken lots of naps throughout the day. I don't remember why I was so tired, but I was, and it was a persistent feeling I had all day. I had joke woke up from another nap late that evening, and mom was, once again, acting strange. This time, though, it was different. She seemed more terrified than ever. She greeted me in the living room by rubbing oil on my forehead and offering a "blessing" to me. Something she did weekly as a way to ward off any "evils" and to hopefully keep me from straying from the path of the lord. Or something like that. She had a big bowl of flower candles floating in water on the table and she had me sit on some pillows with her and pray. Something that wasn't out of the norm either. 

As we were praying, I could feel something just wasn't right. The tone of her voice. The things she was saying. Some of it in Spanish. She was talking really fast, and when I peeked out of the corner of my eye, she was rocking back and forth. Hands in a prayer position, eyes closed, and just.. rocking to and fro. It was kind of scary. It was like she wasn't herself at all. Shortly after she left through the back door and said that she would be right back. I had said "Okay." and started playing with the unlighted candles that were floating in the bowl. 

Not much time had passed before I heard a scream, and instantly knew it was my mother's voice. I heard slamming sounds coming from the back and she had locked the back door and ran to the living room screaming that she had found a gun in the dumpster and that Satan was coming for us. (I didn't get it then, and I sure as hell don't get it now).

Next thing I know, she is telling me that we have to leave the house "right now" and there was no time for me to get dressed. She hoisted me into her arms and out the door we went. She put me down only for a moment to strip herself of all her clothes and start running through the street naked. Oh, and I forgot to mention that while she was running amok, stark naked, she was screaming that she was the reincarnation of the Virgin Mary herself. She had FINALLY lost it. I may have been seven years of age, but I was intelligent enough to tell when someone had lost their damn mind. And she definitely fit the description, far better than I liked.

A nearby neighbor who was watering her flower garden spotted her and then a terrified me who was dumb founded and unable to move because of the state of shock I was in. She tried to offer some assistance and tried to get us into her house, but my mother ran up to her, took her garden hose and began to drench herself. She claimed that she was cleansing herself of evil and that she would be pure in the eyes of the lord. (Can you see why I kind of HATE religion? Especially Christianity. I'm not saying every Christian is like this, but I have come into contact with some crazies in the past). 

The neighbor finally pulled us into her house and gave mom a towel to dry herself, and she was back on the floor, sitting on her legs and rocking back and forth yet again. She kept mumbling something under her breath. That was, until she noticed the crucifix on the lady's wall. As if she wasn't freaking out before...

My mother jolted from the floor and took the crucifix off the wall, only to THROW IT at the kind lady who was only trying to help. She said it was evil. (Wait.. WHAT?!) The lady tried placing it back on the wall, but mom grabbed it from her hand and threw it into the yard out of the house. By then, my father had been notified, called the house we were in (Other neighbors saw too..) and he was on his way home from work.

Needless to say, this was what started the divorce between my parents. My father felt it wasn't safe for either of us to live with a crazy person like her. I couldn't agree more.

This should be a movie or something, shouldn't it? Lol I've dealt with some CRAZY shit in my life. Such a shame that I'm only 20 at this point. XD 

Moving on.

It wasn't too long after this that my father had started moving out. Little did I know at the time, but mom was doing drugs by this point, such as cocaine, and I'm almost positive she was shooting heroine too. I was forced to stay with my mother, but not because my father wanted it, but because they were going through divorce and at the time, my mother had custody of me. One afternoon, though, my mother had to run out for "groceries". (I put that in quotations because I highly doubt that is what she was getting but then again, I don't remember and you're about to find out why). She left some Mexican dude to watch after me while she ran her errands.. and here is where things made a turn for the worse, yet again. (Ugh.. I'm getting sick actually thinking about it). 

*This guy, I shall call him douche bag McGee, because that is nicest way to put it without going overboard. He deserves a far more derogatory title, but yeah. Just want to get through this part now and get it done and over with.* 

Douche bag McGee decided he was going to do some weird fucked up "roleplay" bullshit and dress up in torn up short shorts, a white tank top and a towel around his shoulders like he was the Mexican gaylord version of "Superman". To top it off, why not add music that I don't even know the words to?! Sounds PERFECT! (reason for why I hate Spanish and anything to do with it. Also why I hate the Mexican half of me as my mother was Mexican and yeah you get it).

He started "dancing" around the room and next thing I know he's basically pelvic thrusting towards my face with that DISGUSTING perverted smile upon his face. I remember thinking that this wasn't going to be all fun and games and that I wanted to wipe that dirty grin off his face. He started touching me. At first it was on my arms, and I just nudge away from him. He then started touching my upper thighs, and before I know it, he's trying to get into my pants. Literally trying to undo my shorts. I was terrified. He was touching me in places that I knew he should have been touching, and I knew that things were going in a way that just.. shouldn't happen.. I tried moving away, thinking he'd get the hint, but he persisted. Rubbing his hands on my barely budding chest and in between my thighs. 

In the end, that was about as far as it went, because I proceeded to punch and kick him in the groin till he backed off. I promise you, my kicks were pretty damn powerful back then. He stopped, and when mom came home, I tried to let her know, but she didn't believe me. She said that he was probably just trying to play with me and entertain me. I fucking HATED her, and still do.

Anyways... More things happened in my life that left me scared, and devastated throughout the passing years, but I always kept my head up. Hell, I almost killed myself twice, and once almost landed myself in a hospital.

The point I am trying to get across is that no matter what awful things happen to you, remember that eventually it gets better. I have turned out to be a pretty good person, at least I'd like to think so, and I have found someone who loves me for who I am, and understands what I have gone through to achieve certain goals in my life. He is very supportive and cares for me. 

If you are going through a tough time, just stick it out and be strong. If you push through, you will find that you will be able to overcome the obstacle at hand, and it will make you a stronger person in the end.

I hope that if anyone reads this, they get the message I am trying to portray here. Best wishes to anyone and everyone.

I love you all.