Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Service With an Attitude

I'm not always the nice and happy person I try to be. Some days it comes to me naturally and I have a great day with smiles on my face, but there are days where I can be a complete and total bitch.

My whole life I have been pushed around, walked on, and treated like crap by various people in my family, and people I used to consider friends. Naturally, I learned to stand up for myself and the phrase "fuck-off" came almost like second nature to me. 

It's not very often when I do this, but when I do, it can sometimes get pretty bad. I have been known to say some pretty hurtful things to the ones I love, and I have even made a few people cry. Granted, that wasn't the intent, but that just goes to show that I have a side of me that might as well be referred to as a type of demon. It really isn't pleasant, and it's something I am definitely not proud of

I need to quit.

This is something I have been struggling with a lot lately, as I have an attitude that really doesn't make Master too happy. It's amazing how He has so much patience and deals with it the way He does. I know for a fact that if the shoe were on the other foot, I would have probably just up and left and told Him my famous phrase; "Fuck off". Thankfully, that is not the case, so I don't need to dwell on it.

Master and I were talking about it this evening, and He has been very patient with me. There have been a couple of times where I have let my anger get the best of me and have cursed at my Master. Once again, not proud of this at all. Honestly, it is really hard for me to admit this about myself as I am afraid that my friends will think of me as a horrible person, despite the efforts I make on trying to be as nice as I can be. 

Despite this fear, I feel that it is best for me to post about this because I believe it is the first step of realizing my flaw and trying to fix it so I can become a better person as a whole. I want to better myself not just to please my Master, but to please myself so I can be a lot happier with my life and the way that I am. Master had asked me this evening if I was happy with the way I am now, and without hesitation (almost as if I knew He was about to ask that question) I responded with a "No".

Granted, I am a lot better about holding my tongue now, than say about 5 years ago. Back then, if someone said something I didn't agree with, or if they said something I didn't like, I was quick to not only let them know, but I could sometimes be down right mean and rude about it. After seeing the hurt I had put some people through, I started working on it immediately so it wouldn't happen again. 

One of the most difficult things for me to do is hold my tongue, and I really don't hold it well. I'm actually surprised that I have been doing as well with this lately as I have been, because nine times out of ten, I wouldn't have really cared. 

I am probably one of the most straight forward and blunt person you will ever meet in your entire life. I don't believe in sugar coating anything, and I sure as hell don't believe in beating around the bush. It's one of my biggest pet peeves, when someone just can't come right out and tell me what is going on, or how they truly feel.

The way I see it, is if I am comfortable enough with myself and with you to tell you when I think you're being a dumb-ass, then please show me the same amount of respect. 

This is something I tell just about every single one of my friends. I was raised that if you can dish something out, you better learn to take it when someone dishes it back, and it is something I have stuck by my entire life. So when someone tells me "Hey, you're being a bitch. You know that, right?" I can easily say "Yes." and be just fine. 

Funny part about that, that is one of the EASIEST ways to catch my attention and get me to stop and think about what I've been saying and just stop, apologize, and move on. Sometimes, I really do need to be told I'm doing something wrong. It helps me learn and it keeps me on my toes in a sense to where I start to pay more attention to myself and my actions.

This is something I have told Master a million times. I don't know if Master just wants to let me vent and get it all out of my system or what, but there are rarely any times where He will stand and up and say "You need to be quiet and stop talking like that."

I don't know why He deals with it, or why He puts up with me sometimes, but it does give me a new appreciation for the amount of loyalty and patience He has with me. I couldn't do it. I would have lost it by now.

At any rate, I hope that some day I can handle it better and that I can learn to be a lot nicer and hold my tongue better. I'm sorry if anyone has lost any respect of me because of this, but it's the truth, and it needed to be said.

I apologize to anyone I have ever offended in the past, and know that I am working really hard on fixing this side of me. I love you all and I hope this works out. Pray for me guys. <3


Monday, May 30, 2011


Master and I have always been very close since we started out as friends. He was there for me for laughs and even helped me through a tough time with one of my ex's and helped me get out of what was a very toxic relationship. Even as friends, we were damn near inseparable. 

Since we started seeing one another, things have progressively got better in my life. There is far less stress going on in my life, and there are certain things that I have overcome since I have been with Him. For instance, my fear of feet. I would NEVER let someone's feet near me, let alone touch me without verbally showing my distaste. Now, I'll massage Master's feet happily and even kiss them from time to time. (I'll only kiss them if He just had a shower and I know they are clean. After all, I'm the one who cleans them a lot of the time). 

My point is, there has been so much progress made in my life because of Master, and I really don't take enough time out my days to thank Him for it. I serve Master the best way I can every single day, but honestly, sometimes I just feel like it's never enough. Sometimes I wish I could just go above and beyond what I already do, but I really do out do myself quite often that it gets a bit difficult to top yourself. Trying to one up yourself really is a lot harder than you think.

Master has no idea how much He means to me, and how much I appreciate all the little things He does to make me happy, and make sure I'm healthy, doing okay, and that I am comfortable. I mean He really goes out of His way some days just to make sure I am taken care of, even though He really doesn't have to. It amazes me how much determination He has when it comes to my happiness. I've never been treated this way by anyone my whole life, and even though I've been treated this way for about 2 1/2 years, it's still a bit hard to get used to. 

There is still a lot of room left for me to grow, and with Master by my side, He has made it a lot easier for me to grow into the woman I hope and pray to be some day. This is the happiest I've ever been and I hope to forever stay happy with Him, become His wife, bear His children, and grow old with Him. 

Thank you, Master, for taking each second out of Your day to love me, care for me, and to make sure I am happy. Thank you for all of the smiles You have given me, and for all the joy that You fill my heart with. I know I don't always show it in the best of ways, but I appreciate every second You take to be right here by my side. You're the best thing that has EVER happened to me, and You are truly a gift from God, Himself. I really do believe God was looking out for me when he sent You my way.

I know at some point You will be reading this, as You read every entry I make. I just want -No, need- You to know that I love you more than words could ever express. You're the most impressive and wonderful person in my life, and You deserve all of the good in the world with Your kind heart and spirit. I wish the best for You, Sir, and I hope that God gives you a pleasant life ahead. 

You mean the world to me, Master, and even more.

I love you.


Sunday, May 15, 2011

Much Needed Attention

Yesterday was my typical work day. I got up really early, took my shower, got ready for work and braced myself for the massive amounts of rude people to come my way. I had already been stressing out because the previous morning I awoke around 6:30 am and came to found out I was having vaginal bleeding. I had only been off my period for a week.

Having the feeling something was wrong, Master made His way over and took me to the gyn/ob office. It took a little over an hour for me to get in and out of there, but during the process of having a vaginal ultrasound, I came to find out a few new things about myself. For example, I now know my uterus sits slightly to the left and back. I never knew that! 

The next thing I learned? I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). 

Now what that means is my ovaries are lined with little cysts. I knew for a few years that I've had cysts before, as I've had a few pop (which were VERY painful) and my original gyn/ob doctor had noticed that the first time I ever had a pelvic exam. We thought it was due to stress and thought nothing of it. She just asked that I tried to lower my stress levels and that I should be okay.

I was glad that we finally figured out the cause of all these unnecessary things happening to me, like random cramping/bloating while off my period, spotting, (even though I have been on birth control for nearly 4 years) and the horrible weight gain after working really hard to lose weight. It all made sense now. The worst part about it all? It makes me even more susceptible of being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, which runs in my family. I'm not too worried about that though, as I have started eating healthier and exercising more. If I keep it up, I might just be able to beat it.

Anyways, back to the main story. Work was no less stressful than usual. I had my customers be nice, some were rude, some talked on the phone and pretty much ignored me, some demanded shit, and some shared their life's stories. None of them, however, topped the second to last lady I checked out for the day. 

As soon as I spotted her, I immediately began praying that she wouldn't come through my line. She was old, fat, and had two other ladies with her. One old, and one kind of middle aged. They had 4 buggies with them packed full of nothing but clothing. It was a night mare waiting to happen.

Now, what made this customer more unusual than most was not the fact that she had so much shit, it was her unnecessary nit-picking. She wanted this stuff in this bag, and that stuff in that bag. Two times she had me hang nothing but shirts and place garment bags over them. We're not talking about 3 or 4 shirts either. Try borderline 20 shirts in both bags. FUCKING STOP! She snatched a few things from my hands and was like "No, lets put this in this other bag." that was already stuffed full to the brim! God dammit!

When I was finally done checking her out (which took about 20 some minutes), she had a little over $1500 worth of stuff! Even with her 30% off coupon, she was still spending well over $1000. I wanted.. to pull my hair out... Seriously, these people come out of the woodworks!!!! 

After her, I was ready to leave. I didn't care that I had 10 minutes before I could clock out. I wanted out, now, but of course that wasn't about to happen. I had one last customer of the evening and she just HAD to be a bitch. Her and her fucking 20% coupon. I had to void out her transaction twice because she wanted to add more shit to her list so she could get that fucking $10 in Kohl's cash for spending over $50 in the store. That sounds so counter productive. You spend more money to get something that is more than half less of an amount in a coupon? Just... The thought makes my head go numb.

By the time I left I was livid. A customer I had about 2 hours before that saw that I was stressed out and told me that I needed to go home after work and treat myself to a nice hot bubble bath and just relax for the evening. He was an older man, but he was very nice, and very right. So I did just that, except I improvised and added Master to the picture.

He drew a hot bath and filled the water with bubbles made by the jets in the tub. It was awesome. We climbed in there together and He just held me for the longest time while we soaked in the tub and played with the bubbles. It was like we were kids again. Making bubble beards, blowing suds all over the place and me dipping my head under the water and getting suds all over my hair. It was so fun and relaxing. 

After an hour or so of soaking in the tub, Master got out, dried Himself off and told me I could help myself to a shower, in which I cleaned myself up and took care of every little detail of my body. Something told me it was going to be a good idea, and it sure was.

After drying off, we headed downstairs to just lounge on the couch for a bit. My feet were still hurting, and Master decided to continue pampering me for the evening. He rubbed my feet and cared for them in the most gentle manner He has ever done. It was really sweet and just awesome to have someone do this for me. 

What happened next was something I was not expecting. He started kissing my feet. This.. has never happened to me before and it definitely took me by surprise. The way Master put it was if He could kiss every other part of me, He didn't see why He couldn't kiss my feet. It was skin, just like the rest of me, and it was clean. 

I didn't quite know what to think of this, as the sensations my body was receiving were just off the charts. I didn't know whether to feel aroused, relaxed, calm, happy, or confused. So my body just felt all of those at once. Honestly, it was a nice feeling. I actually enjoyed it, which was new to me as I am one to not really like feet. All I knew is that I wanted to repay Him for all the wonderful things He had been doing for me that evening, and I was determined to make Him feel amazing.

After I massaged His feet as well, I crawled over top of Him and began kissing His lips and every inch of His body. I worked my way down his neck, across His collarbone and shoulders, down his arms and stomach, made my way down His legs and ankles, and that is when things got a little.. interesting. 

I smiled up at Him and He grinned back, stating that I grabbed His attention. I hesitated at first, but decided it would be best for Him, and myself to push myself on this boundary I've had all of my life. I faced my disliking of feet and began kissing Master's feet tenderly. I worked my lips over His ankles, over the top of His feet to His toes, and I even decided to lick His feet as well. Surprisingly, He tasted.. delicious. He was clean, He smelled good and it was just another part of Master that I finally got to savor. 

It was so weird, it was strange, and it was very, sensual. In no time I had relaxed Master, and even aroused Him with little to no effort. I couldn't help myself any longer and began sucking His cock, eagerly. 

In no time He returned the favor (minus the cock sucking of course. Haha) and we were making love on the couch. He took me upstairs where we continued our passionate exchanges and had each other coming with one another in a powerful moment of love, passion, and sexual aggression combined. It was one of the most intense and beautiful moments of my life, and I enjoyed every second of it. 

Last night.. something happened that not only needed to happen, but even though I never though it could happen, I feel just that much more closer to Him than I did before. I love Master with all of my being, and soul, but somehow I gained even more respect and love for Him in just those few hours. It was amazing, and definitely a much needed scenario.


Sunday, May 8, 2011

Roller Coaster of A Weekend

Saturday morning, I woke up at 4:30am, 30 minutes before my alarm clock was to go off. As usual, my body was so excited about the trip I was about to go on with Master and His parents, it decided to wake me up early so I could be fully ready to go and have all the necessities of the day. I rolled myself out of bed, turned off the alarm, knowing I wouldn't be able to sleep any longer, and started my morning by straightening my still damp hair. (Had a shower before going to bed because I didn't want to get up at 4:30 in the morning to do it. Funny how that worked out). A half an hour passed, I was done and packing everything, when I realized that it was 5:05am and I was to call Master five minutes ago. Luckily, I got an answer and before too long I was on my way to His house to pack the camper and help Him and His parents get on the road.

The whole morning and afternoon went great, for the most part. We made our way to Lousiville Kentucky to attend a slaloming race that Master and His dad were entered in. Got to see some other boarders that remembered me and greeted me with warm hugs and smiles. The afternoon was spent hanging out, taking pictures, and helping with the race. It rained most of the time, so not too much racing was done, but it was just enough to get a decent amount of pictures, which made my day. 

A cop came to the scene and said an "anonymous caller" got a hold of him, but seeing as they only took up one side of the road, the officer decided to let them keep on skating and all was well. Pretty damn awesome, really.

At any rate, after the race, we all packed up, said our farewells and were back on the road again. Master's mom got called into work, so instead of visiting their family, we had to head straight back to Huntington. That sucked, but at least that was the worst of it, right?


We hadn't been on the road for nearly and hour when we had to make a stop at a local gas station and fill up. Shortly before we got there, Master had been acting strange and the color had faded from His face. I have never seen Him so pale. He complained of an upset stomach and that He felt sick. I could tell He wasn't faking and mentioned that He should run to the bathroom inside the station. 

After He left the camper, I realized a few minutes had passed by, so I looked out the window to see if He'd made it inside. Sadly, He didn't. His mother was beside Him and that's when I noticed that Master had just thrown up in the lot. This got me feeling anxious, nervous and queasy. 

See.. I'm one of those people who when they see someone throwing their guts up, nearly throw up themselves and get very sick and high strung. It's something that I'm doing a LOT better at getting over it, but I'm still not quite there yet. If this would have happened 5 years ago, I would have thrown up on spot, myself. Twas bad.

As I collected my thoughts in the camper, I remembered that one of the best things was to down water to keep oneself hydrated. I got into action and got a bottle of water out of the fridge in the camper and made my way to Master and His mom. Bad part was, I had to keep my head turned because the sight of it, and smell would have killed me. When I got there, I realized that His mom already had ice water for Him, and there was nothing I could do. This.. kind of made me feel useless, but I tried to think of thing I could do to make Him comfortable for the rest of the ride home. 

He ended up falling asleep on the couch and slept most of the ride home, so I decided to nap myself. We got home safely without any more interruptions, and without Him getting sick, so we thought the rest of the evening was going to be okay. That was, until we got back to His parents house. We hadn't been there more than 10 minutes before He was throwing up again. I had never seen Him this sick before, and while it was unnerving for me because my issues with vomit, it was even more stressful, because there wasn't anything else I could do but bring him a glass of cold water. 

Master insisted on me staying, but being that He was getting sick again like this, I figured it was best for me to leave. After all, I know His parents wanted me to leave so He could "rest". Any time He gets a LITTLE bit sick, they always bring up me going home. So I talked to His mom, who of course agreed that I should leave and went to hang out with some friends for a little bit.

I kissed Master on the forehead, held Him a bit before I left and said goodnight. Upon request I called Him as soon as I got to my destination to let Him know I was okay and to make sure He was alright as well. By this point, my evening had me feeling like shit because I couldn't be there to be with Master and take care of Him like I wanted, and for some reason, this killed my spirits for a short time. I have NO idea where it came from, but suddenly, I felt useless, worthless, like I wasn't doing something right, and even though I KNOW it wasn't any bit true, I still felt like it. 

At any rate, Master never got sick the rest of the night, and I think He slept alright last night.

Today, however did not start off great, as my negative emotions merged into the new day and I was still having that awful feeling of nausea, and unneeded guilt. Honestly, a part of me didn't want to see Master at the beginning of today, but another part of me just wanted to hold Him all day long and just curl up with Him either on the couch or the bed and just take care of Him. Talk about mixed emotions.

We ended up spending our morning and early afternoon apart because it was Mother's Day after all. He went out to lunch with His parents, uncle and grandma, while I spent my morning with my parents, talking and just having fun. It was nice. I didn't get quizzed about work, like I thought I would, and we just.. had a nice time. It was something I think we all needed. I never spend time with my parents anymore. It's mainly a choice I make for reasons I'm not getting into, but sometimes it is nice to see them for a few hours.

I got to spend time with Master today and while it started off a little.. sour. Today progressed back to wonderful, and it was awesome. We had lunch together and started watching movie trailers of movies that will be coming out this summer. I don't know what happened along the way or why it happened, but things got interesting.

I remember my friend giving me a bunch of condoms on Friday and had been kind of wondering all weekend long if they would even fit Master. After all.. they looked rather small, as most Lifestyle condoms do. I mentioned grabbing one to just see if it would fit, and of course, Master bolted up the stairs to the kink bag where we keep all our sex related items. 

After I sucked on His cock for a bit, it was time to see if this would work. Kind of funny, it almost didn't. The condom was a tight fit, but luckily it wasn't TOO tight, so it was still useful. Next thing I know, Master has me bent over the couch while He took me from behind and held me in place. (Thank you GOD for His parents being out to a movie, because the moans that were escaping my throat could not be stifled that well).

So we fucked on the couch a bit more, before taking it upstairs. I don't know what was so different today, but I'm happy to say that I had quite a powerful orgasm as Master and I came together. The rest of the evening was filled with laughs, tickling, wrestling, and just playing around after watching the movie Date Night. (Good movie too. Had lots of laughs out of it). In fact, by the end of tonight, Master and I were laughing so hard, neither of us could hardly move, and I actually had to scoot myself down the stairs because I couldn't walk. It was awesome.

We had decided, thanks to that movie, that we actually needed to go on a one on one date again. The last several dates we've been on has been with friends (Which there is nothing wrong with that.. I love doing it) and we agreed that we needed a date night to ourselves. That's when I brought up that instead of having a "date night" that we have a "date day", where we spent all day going out, having lunch, maybe catch a movie later, and just go do stuff that didn't involve being in the house. Of course, Master agreed, so we're hoping to have that "date day" sometime this week. 

At any rate, this weekend has had its ups and downs, but I'm very happy that by the end of tonight Master and I can say that we had a good time, despite the bad moments, and that we got to laugh and smile and have fun.