I'm not always the nice and happy person I try to be. Some days it comes to me naturally and I have a great day with smiles on my face, but there are days where I can be a complete and total bitch.
My whole life I have been pushed around, walked on, and treated like crap by various people in my family, and people I used to consider friends. Naturally, I learned to stand up for myself and the phrase "fuck-off" came almost like second nature to me.
It's not very often when I do this, but when I do, it can sometimes get pretty bad. I have been known to say some pretty hurtful things to the ones I love, and I have even made a few people cry. Granted, that wasn't the intent, but that just goes to show that I have a side of me that might as well be referred to as a type of demon. It really isn't pleasant, and it's something I am definitely not proud of.
I need to quit.
This is something I have been struggling with a lot lately, as I have an attitude that really doesn't make Master too happy. It's amazing how He has so much patience and deals with it the way He does. I know for a fact that if the shoe were on the other foot, I would have probably just up and left and told Him my famous phrase; "Fuck off". Thankfully, that is not the case, so I don't need to dwell on it.
Master and I were talking about it this evening, and He has been very patient with me. There have been a couple of times where I have let my anger get the best of me and have cursed at my Master. Once again, not proud of this at all. Honestly, it is really hard for me to admit this about myself as I am afraid that my friends will think of me as a horrible person, despite the efforts I make on trying to be as nice as I can be.
Despite this fear, I feel that it is best for me to post about this because I believe it is the first step of realizing my flaw and trying to fix it so I can become a better person as a whole. I want to better myself not just to please my Master, but to please myself so I can be a lot happier with my life and the way that I am. Master had asked me this evening if I was happy with the way I am now, and without hesitation (almost as if I knew He was about to ask that question) I responded with a "No".
Granted, I am a lot better about holding my tongue now, than say about 5 years ago. Back then, if someone said something I didn't agree with, or if they said something I didn't like, I was quick to not only let them know, but I could sometimes be down right mean and rude about it. After seeing the hurt I had put some people through, I started working on it immediately so it wouldn't happen again.
One of the most difficult things for me to do is hold my tongue, and I really don't hold it well. I'm actually surprised that I have been doing as well with this lately as I have been, because nine times out of ten, I wouldn't have really cared.
I am probably one of the most straight forward and blunt person you will ever meet in your entire life. I don't believe in sugar coating anything, and I sure as hell don't believe in beating around the bush. It's one of my biggest pet peeves, when someone just can't come right out and tell me what is going on, or how they truly feel.
The way I see it, is if I am comfortable enough with myself and with you to tell you when I think you're being a dumb-ass, then please show me the same amount of respect.
This is something I tell just about every single one of my friends. I was raised that if you can dish something out, you better learn to take it when someone dishes it back, and it is something I have stuck by my entire life. So when someone tells me "Hey, you're being a bitch. You know that, right?" I can easily say "Yes." and be just fine.
Funny part about that, that is one of the EASIEST ways to catch my attention and get me to stop and think about what I've been saying and just stop, apologize, and move on. Sometimes, I really do need to be told I'm doing something wrong. It helps me learn and it keeps me on my toes in a sense to where I start to pay more attention to myself and my actions.
This is something I have told Master a million times. I don't know if Master just wants to let me vent and get it all out of my system or what, but there are rarely any times where He will stand and up and say "You need to be quiet and stop talking like that."
I don't know why He deals with it, or why He puts up with me sometimes, but it does give me a new appreciation for the amount of loyalty and patience He has with me. I couldn't do it. I would have lost it by now.
At any rate, I hope that some day I can handle it better and that I can learn to be a lot nicer and hold my tongue better. I'm sorry if anyone has lost any respect of me because of this, but it's the truth, and it needed to be said.
I apologize to anyone I have ever offended in the past, and know that I am working really hard on fixing this side of me. I love you all and I hope this works out. Pray for me guys. <3