Thursday, July 26, 2012

Nipple Piercings: The Pros and Cons

I want to say it's been two years now (maybe three) since I got my nipples pierced. I had wanted them since I was a fifteen year old and I was in love with them from the moment that needle pierced through both of my nipples. The $50 it cost to get them were so worth it, and I still love them to this day.

I have learned though, that since having them pierced my nipples have gotten far more tender and sensitive. They were already sensitive enough on their own, but since getting them pierced, it seems that has intensified something horrible. This can be a good and bad thing.

The good part is that if you love nipple torture, this really takes it up a notch.

The bad part is that nipple torture is definitely nothing short of pure torture, especially if you like to work with things like clover clamps or any nipple clamps, for that matter.

Since getting them it has made nipple pinching a little more exciting and intensifying, but if I want to play with clamps, I have to take them out or else it hurts past the point of pleasure and literally goes straight into pain. The last time I took them out and had clover clamps put on my nipples, they ended up bleeding and I'm still doctoring them up. They've almost healed back up, though. (I really have no idea what went wrong). =/ 

On the plus side, they are very pretty, I enjoy having them in (despite not really being able to have them played with nearly as much) and I have researched that when I start having kids and want to breast feed, I won't have to worry that they are pierced. (Even my Gyno approved of it and said breast feeding would not be a problem so long as I take them out during feedings, and I really trust her).

So in short....

The Pros

  • They are pretty
  • Doesn't take too long to heal (about 6-8 months)
  • They are comfortable once healed
  • Won't effect breast feeding
  • Heightens sensitivity

The Cons

  • Hurts when it comes to nipple torture and play with clamps
  • In my case bleeding has occurred if you're not too careful
  • Heightens sensitivity 
  • Less chances for nipple torture due to heightened sensitivity
  • Have to take out the jewelry to use nipple clamps

If you're a little confused as to why I put "Heightens sensitivity" under both the Pros and Cons list, refer to the beginning of the post. The sensitivity is great, but it can also be painful. It really depends. 

Would I ever do it all over again if I took them out and let them heal up? You bet your sweet asses I would. I wouldn't trade having nipples pierced for anything else. Even though there are some bad parts to it, I really do love them, and I've mostly been very satisfied with the results. 

So what do you all think about nipple piercings? Is it something you'd consider? Why or why not? For those of you reading who DO have your nipples pierced, how has it effected your play life? Did you like it or was it unsatisfactory?

Hope this was enlightening to anyone who is considering getting their nipples pierced and I wish you all the best in your lives. Take care! =D ♥


Thursday, July 19, 2012

Arachnophobia Rears Its Ugly Head

I am terrified of spiders of all shapes and sizes. So terrified that it practically leaves me debilitated. Even a simple picture of a spider has been known to bring me to tears and leave me paranoid for hours afterwords. 

This morning I awoke to my father asking me to wash the dishes because we are about to receive a new stove and the kitchen needed to be clean. Okay, no problem. Was not fun waking up to having to go straight into washing dishes, but whatever. 

So I get myself dressed and put on my dish washing gloves and start moving the dishes around so I can put the stopper in the drain. As I'm moving dishes around, what do I find? Two brown recluses chillin' in the sink, now desperately trying to get away from me. This freaks me out, but I quickly turn on the hot water on the faucet and start blasting them with steaming hot water. 

Naturally, I'm a little shaken up at this point (having arachnophobia and all) but I kill them and send them down the drain and I can finally breathe. That is until I notice another fucking spider on the sink that has what looks like a damn egg sac on its back. After blasting that one with hot water, I'm pretty much trembling with fear because in less than five minutes of being awake I have already kill three fucking spiders. 

After calming my nerves and clearing them out and killing them, I was finally able to run the water and get the dishes soaking in hot soapy water. At that point, there was no way to describe how perfectly shot my nerves were. So there I am, getting ready to wash the dishes and low and behold there is fourth spider crawling on the window sill right above the kitchen sink. 

This was like a nightmare come true. I ended up getting Master to kill that one later on, and I have not been able to shake the creeped out feeling like they are fucking every where and crawling on me since. To top it off, I had my dad sitting off to the side being a lazy good for nothing laughing at me saying that "it wasn't such a big deal" when really, it is to someone who has a phobia of the damn things! 

I hate when this shit happens. Even typing this out, I've had to stop several times and freaking brush off my back and arms and legs because I feel like they are all over me. I hate even more when people make fun of me for this. It's not like I haven't tried everything I could think of to get rid of my phobia. 

I mean.. I literally have done EVERYTHING I can think of, except trying to touch them. Some days, I can keep my cool until the thing is dead, but in the end I always end up in a corner somewhere fucking crying like a baby. I hate it. I wish I weren't terrified of them. I wish I could be like most other people and shrug it off when I see one and tell myself "Eh.. it'll be gone in no time", or kill it without ever having a fucking panic attack either in the process of or after killing it.

What makes it all worse is when I always have at least one person off to the side making fun of me for it. They think making jokes about it will calm me down, when in reality, in only makes the situation 10x worse. 

I swear to god, if I see one more spider today.. I'm going to lose it.. I feel surrounded by them right now and it is absolutely unnerving....


Wednesday, July 11, 2012

An Update

For those of you wondering how things are going with Master and I, we talked more about all of these problems after He got off work. That conversation was actually pretty tense, and very uncomfortable. We talked everything out (like usual) and Master came to new conclusions on why there has been little progress in our relationship. 

Needless to say, I feel a little better about all of this, but I'm still pretty wary. Yesterday evening was pretty... quiet after we finished talking about it. We had a lot to reflect on, and still do. 

Before going to bed last night, Master was telling me how He really wished that once He tells me to do something that I would just reply with a "Yes Sir" and be done with it. Not "Okay" or any other variations. Just "Yes Sir". I will admit, this is something I have always lacked on. I just never seem to get into the habit. I say it time to time, but not every single time, like what Master expects of me.

I agreed to work on that more and just replied with "Yes Sir" like He wanted me to. I didn't think about it, and didn't even want to. I just wanted everything to be okay, so I answered Him to His wishes. It didn't really hit me last night. I was still in a daze.

Today, though, all day I have felt in a constant submissive head space. First thing I did was slip my collar into my back pack before getting dressed and ready for classes. The car ride was quiet, and we didn't say much. After getting seated in my first class, I pulled the collar from my back pack and locked it around my neck. Master hadn't texted me yet, so I figured He was still driving home after dropping me off. Since I have an iPhone, I took a picture of my collar on and sent it to Him. Within a few minutes He messaged me back saying that there were no words or emoticons to describe the happiness it gave Him to see that collar on me. 

Somehow that hit a spot within me. I smiled and put my phone away. 

All day I have just felt this immense amount of peace in my mind and heart about all of this. Somehow it feels like things will be right this time. We'll still have problems (what couple doesn't?) but I have a feeling things will be so much better from here on out. 

I asked Him if He wanted to talk about some more things tonight after He gets off work. He said He'd much rather show me than talk about anything at this point. What this means, I'm not too sure, but... we'll see where this goes.

More updates to come as this all progresses. Thanks.


Tuesday, July 10, 2012

It's That Time of The Month Again...

No, I am not talking about my period. Though, honestly, I kind of wish I were.

It seems like once a month the same thing happens with Master and I when it comes to our M/s dynamic. We get into a rut of sorts, we talk about it, promises are made, but never met, and so on. Throughout our relationship we have done a lot of maturing/growing up, but as I like to say; there is always room for improvement.

This has not been a recent thing, nor has it been a spur of the moment thought process. For most of our relationship, off and on it has felt like Master's heart has not really (truly) been 100% into this relationship. Not the M/s dynamic, that is. Both of us share our faults in this, so this is not really a blame game. I have had moments where I just wanted to quit. Wanted to give back the collar and say "I'm done". I always come back for it though, because in my heart, I know this is what I truly want. To serve Him every day to the best of my abilities. 

I just get frustrated a lot.

I'm not perfect, neither is He, and thankfully we don't try to be perfect. (Talk about a huge failure waiting to happen if we did). When it comes down to it, I feel as if I have tried everything in the world to get our relationship to work out to where we both feel comfortable, and it just seems like I have done nothing but fail. 

I have given Him countless articles, forums, and books for Him to read or refer to. I have given Him links to people He could talk to, I have asked friends if they could help (they have even given Him books to borrow too). I have tried doing things for Him to make Him feel like He is in control. I have submitted to Him over things I really didn't want to do. I have talked and talked and talked with Him for countless hours over our situation. (It's not like I am hiding anything when it comes to this part of our relationship. If something is wrong, by god, He knows it). So communication is not an issue either, at least not from me. 

I am honestly at the worst loss I have ever been in my life. I have spent numerous nights crying myself to sleep over this. Wondering to myself "What have I done wrong this time? What am I not doing right?" It wasn't until one person told me "Maybe it isn't really you... Maybe it's Him." And while it felt like I was starting to blame Him, I did think about it. 

"Maybe it really isn't me..." 

As I let those words rumble through my head, I couldn't help but have a sinking feeling in my stomach that I was being selfish. That I was being immature to put the blame on Him. I felt like I was going against everything I had taught myself. That I was not taking responsibility for my own actions. Somewhere along the way, I had screwed up, and I was just trying to pawn it off on Him to make myself feel better. 

That is how I felt. And for a while, I believed that was my problem.

After much time thinking about it all, I began wondering if that were true. If maybe.. just maybe.. this really wasn't my fault. Maybe I did do everything I could do. Maybe this really wasn't my fault. So then.. what is wrong?

It clicked: Lack of drive.

Maybe Master just didn't have the drive to do this. For whatever reason, maybe something was truly holding Him back, and for once, it wasn't my fault. (I still wanted to blame myself, and a part of me this very day wants to continue to blame myself for all of this. After all, it was drove into my head, much thanks to my parents, that a lot of stuff that happens in my life is my fault, if not all of it). At least, that is how I've always felt.

Today was just like any day. We discussed it once more, and I finally said it to Him plain and clear as I could get. "I don't believe you are really into this. I feel like you try to convince me that you are, and I feel like you try to convince yourself that you are. Are you, really, though? Is this really what you want? Because I am really finding it hard to believe."

Every time we talk about this, it's the same things being said. That I feel like needs aren't being met. I feel like I've failed. I wonder if we're really cut out for this. Then.. I did something different. I said this: "I want you to think really hard and long on if this is really how you want our relationship to be. I don't want to hear "This is what I want." because I feel like it's just you telling me what I want to hear so I'll just stop talking about it for a while and leave you alone on the subject. I want you to really think it through. Think of everything you want from me, from us, and what you want our life to be. Not just what suddenly pops into your head.... If this is something you don't want to do anymore, I won't love you less. I won't even seek out another Master. It'll hurt, no doubt, but I will still be by your side and love you to the very end."

There was a long silence, then a subject change. Then more silence.

Needless to say it was a little frustrating, but I kept my cool and stayed calm. I'm pretty sure this was the first time we discussed this topic and no one cried, no one yelled. We were both just... calm. Tension did not fill the air for once, but instead, it felt like Master was truly thinking about it. For once He wasn't fighting me. He was actually thinking about the possibilities and running it through His head. I don't know what quite went through His mind, and I think it will be a while before this is all cleared up.

Silence still rang in the air, when He finally spoke. He told me that what He feels is really blocking our progress is that He is still vanilla deep inside somewhere, and that side of Him makes Him stop and think about certain things. That side of Him doesn't want to push me. It's afraid of hurting me. It's a side of Him that He has yet to part with. Because of this relationship, He feels like He is going against everything His family ever taught Him as He was growing up. So really.. there is an internal battle going on in Him. He also said his decisions always rested on making me happy, not Him. We wants me to be happy no matter what. And maybe that has something to do with his own comfort level.

I told Him I understood that more than ever, and that sometimes we have to do things for each other that neither of us will like. (Like the fact that I set down my own rule that when His classes start back up, He needs to leave my house by 8 on week days to make sure He gets plenty of sleep and finishes His studies. And between 10-11 on weekends). I don't like it because it is less time with Him, but it is beneficial for us and our future. Sometimes... we (as people) have to make hard decisions in life no matter how much it sucks, and how much it hurts so that we can ensure a good future for ourselves and the people we plan on spending the rest of our lives with.

I'm sure there was more He wanted to say, but He had to leave for work. I really don't know what is going to happen. I am honestly scared that He will admit that He is not cut out for this type of relationship, but I will accept that fate, if that is how it is meant to be. I made a promise to love Him no less, to stay by His side through what ever decision He comes to, and that is a promise I intend to keep.

I'm really praying we can find a real conclusion this time. Please keep us in your prayer/thoughts. If you all have any advice, now would be the perfect time to share it.


Opening Up

Everyone that has been reading my posts here and there knows that I am pretty open about myself when it comes to my life and my emotions. You even know that I share my life with Master. What you all don''t know is that, even after nearly 4 years of being with Master, I am still holding back bits and pieces of me. 

Last night, Master and I went out to dinner for the first time in what has felt like months. We enjoyed our dinner, but a discussion came up during dinner that is mainly my fault. Master could sense the whole time something just wasn't right with me. I kept telling Him I was fine, when I clearly wasn't, and after much bribing He finally pulled it out of me.

Music is something I have always been passionate about, especially when it comes to singing. I sing in the privacy of my room most of the time, but occasionally I'll sing in front of Master. I also enjoy dancing, and I really want to get belly dancing lessons. Have for years. The odd part of all of this, though, is that I admitted to Master for the first time that when I do sing for Him, it's half hearted. I never give Him all of myself when it comes to that aspect of my life. 

The reason this is such a big deal is that Master likes it when I sing. He even requests it at times, and I do, but I never give it my all. So in reality.. Master has never really heard me sing. He's never heard me put all of myself into the music I listen to and sing like I do when no one is around. 

Another reason this is a big deal is because when I do sing like that, I open up in ways only music can make me open up. There is this strong emotional aspect of me that no one has ever seen, not even my parents. When I sing like this, I am truly vulnerable. I am at my most open peak when I let go to music, and I show all of myself. 

It's very hard for me. Especially since I don't have much confidence in my voice. Plus, as I told Him last night, I'm afraid of people laughing at me. I'm terrified of embarrassing myself, even in front of Him. It's hard to show someone a side of you that you have never showed to anyone before, but that is why I am with Master, and why we are in the relationship we are in. Its time to push a boundary that I never dreamed of pushing, and I'm doing it for Master. Mainly by His request, but because I want Him to have all of me, and deep down, I've always wanted Him to know that side of me. 

I don't know how I am going to get the nerve to do this, and I don't know when it will happen, but this is something I really need to do, especially if I want to give Master my all. 

This is all kind of funny, really. I feel like I just gave away one of my darkest secrets. Haha

What is stranger about all of this, is somewhere inside me, I feel like if I finally let go in this fashion, maybe it could bring us closer. Maybe, this is the missing element in our relationship. Perhaps opening up fully will bring us to a better understanding of ourselves and I can finally submit to Him in ways I've never imagined. Maybe.. this is why I hold back when it comes to submitting to Him. 

We'll see where this takes us...


Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Anger Management: Some People Just Need It...

And my father is definitely one of those people.

I was sitting here enjoying a nice read that one of my friends posted up on fet, when suddenly I heard the all-too-familiar screams of my dad coming from the living room and penetrating my closed bedroom door. I also noted the sounds of him banging (what I know) is his computer mouse on his desk as hard as he can. All the while screaming every cuss word in the book and calling the inanimate object, known as his computer, a "whore" and various other indecent what-not's.

Knowing that my cousin is in the room with him, and knowing if I asked out loud I would get some pretty nasty remarks and get yelled at (per usual), I texted said cousin and asked him what the problem was this time. The response I got was not surprising, but somewhat amusing on a sarcastic note.

"He accidentally turned on his jet engines and almost crashed into a building." (My dad has a flight simulator game he plays and has remotes for it and crap attached to his computer desk).

*Insinuate a face palm here*

He gets pissed off over stupid crap like this on a daily basis. It's a wonder this man hasn't had a heart attack by now, or died of stress. I mean really, it's a damn miracle.

Let me give you another example that I still laugh over to this day. 

Back when I was a freshman in high school, I came home one afternoon from school and dad was messing around on his computer. Nothing new. My guess is that he happened to get a virus on his computer at some point, because his desktop was lagging out. 

Per usual, he was screaming and cussing at his computer (I was in the kitchen next to him, which was where the computer was at the time, getting myself an after school snack) when suddenly I caught out of the corner of my eye my dad punching the monitor swiftly and hard. As soon as I noted this, I looked over in time to see the look of shock and horror on my fathers face as we both saw the screen go black.

I have never seen a bigger crack on a screen than what he caused on his computer monitor. It was impressive. *Dripping with sarcasm on that impressive part*

Needless to say, his anger got the best of him once again, and mom was not too happy about this either. A good deal of money was spent so he could have a new monitor again. (I still think she shouldn't have shelled out the money, because dad didn't have a job at that time, and he should have lived with his dumb act of anger).

Luckily his out-lash of physical anger has mainly been put towards inanimate objects, but his rage issues don't stop there. When it comes to verbal anger, he is the king of it, and let me tell you.. that is the one part of his anger he points at other people. Mainly me and my mother. (I really don't see how she hasn't divorced him yet. I couldn't have a husband who acted as childish and angry as what he does. I can barely stand him as a father).

He threatens, he screams, and he doesn't mind cussing you out in the privacy of his home. Get him around his friends? It's like he is a completely different person. Instead he makes you look like the bad person, and then unleashes the angry screams again at home, in private. I REALLY don't know how he does it.

Truly, this man needs help. I promise you, if I acted ANYTHING like what he does, someone would have reported me by now, and I'd be forced into some anger management classes. Which brings me to my main point... my dad REALLY needs anger management classes. I have never witnessed a person so full of hate in my entire 21 1/2 years of life, and I sincerely hope I don't meet anyone who is worse than him.

I hate to say it, but with each passing year, it seems like his anger level heightens and it puts me off more and more. It's getting to the point, I don't like having friends around him (for fear of him acting out like that around them. It's embarrassing) and even worse, he doesn't realize that his own petty actions are making me not want to have any of my (possible, future) kids around him either. I don't like him the way he is, and I certainly don't want my kids learning those habits.

What is even sadder? His enormous ego would never let him listen to any of us about this serious problem he has, and instead, he'll treat anyone who mentions it to him like an idiot. (Trust me. I know from personal experience).

Really... how can you reason with someone like this? It worries me. I'm afraid one day he is going to let his anger get the best of him and he is going to seriously hurt someone, like me, or my mom (and my mom is crippled enough as it is. She is literally defenseless. If you want to know more, look up the disease Osteogenesis Imperfecta. That is what she has). And then what?

Most of you will not understand my level of fear on this, because most of you have no idea what my father is like, but know this. None of this is exaggerated at any point, and that is honestly the worst part of this whole mess. I wish it were exaggerated.

So what do you all think? Anyone know someone like this? Was there any solutions you came up with that worked? Were there any that didn't? 

I really don't want to end up excluding my dad from my life, and my future children's life, but right now he is a majorly bad influence, and I do not wish to expose myself to any more of his violence than what I've already had to.


Thank You To My Followers

I just noticed I have gained two more followers to my blog, and I just wanted to give a shout out to each and every one of you. Thank you viewing my blog, following it and for being a part of this. 

So here is a cute little picture for you all from Pusheen the cat.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Procrastination: Losing My Drive and Other Updates

I want to take the time to apologize to all of my readers and followers. Typically you all get a post from me once a week (sometimes multiple posts a week) and lately I've given you all nothing. I am not sure what has been going on with me, but I have just kind of lost a little bit of my drive to post regularly. It's not like I don't have many things to talk about, or that I don't want to keep anyone updated. I have just been kind of like "I should make an update soon..." *waits a couple of minutes* "Ehh.. maybe tomorrow." And so on. 

You all get the point.

In fact, things have been getting hectic over here lately. Not in a bad way, but I've just been busy. It seems like with each passing year I have more and more things going on and I have less time for the regular things in my life. So things like blogging get pushed to the back of my mind and life and literally takes a back seat. Hopefully not permanently. 

This past Friday a huge storm rolled through most of the east coast like a giant tidal wave and left the city I live in (and nearby cities) with quite the amount of destruction. A lot of homes have gone without power all weekend, and some homes are STILL out of power. Some places are estimated to have their power back no later than this Saturday. I'm praying for those families right now and I'm hoping that isn't true. 

I got lucky and had power at my house, but Master and His parents suffered until late yesterday evening. They still have family without electricity, and I do as well. So I have two families to worry about on this issue. It is said that every single day this week has a 40% chance of more thunder storms.

So there is that mess.

Classes have started back up and I think I'm going to like this set of classes.

Master and I got some bonding time done Friday afternoon, which was very nice. It's always nice to be close to Him and to feel His embrace. 

I have been thinking a lot about my life lately, what I want out of it, and what I want to accomplish, but that is for a later post that I hope to make either tonight or sometime this week.

Also, I will be graduating by the end of this year, so I am excited about that. In less than three months I will be doing my externship and I'm more than ready for it. Pretty excited, really.

I'll do my best to update more often, like I have in the past, and give you all more information on the things going on in my life. Sorry things have been so slow lately.

Also, one last thing before I end this post, Master and I actually made that video, but sadly the file size was too big and blogger didn't let me upload it. I don't have a program to edit it either, so now we have to do it all over again. lol Sorry!!! D=