Everyone that has been reading my posts here and there knows that I am pretty open about myself when it comes to my life and my emotions. You even know that I share my life with Master. What you all don''t know is that, even after nearly 4 years of being with Master, I am still holding back bits and pieces of me.
Last night, Master and I went out to dinner for the first time in what has felt like months. We enjoyed our dinner, but a discussion came up during dinner that is mainly my fault. Master could sense the whole time something just wasn't right with me. I kept telling Him I was fine, when I clearly wasn't, and after much bribing He finally pulled it out of me.
Music is something I have always been passionate about, especially when it comes to singing. I sing in the privacy of my room most of the time, but occasionally I'll sing in front of Master. I also enjoy dancing, and I really want to get belly dancing lessons. Have for years. The odd part of all of this, though, is that I admitted to Master for the first time that when I do sing for Him, it's half hearted. I never give Him all of myself when it comes to that aspect of my life.
The reason this is such a big deal is that Master likes it when I sing. He even requests it at times, and I do, but I never give it my all. So in reality.. Master has never really heard me sing. He's never heard me put all of myself into the music I listen to and sing like I do when no one is around.
Another reason this is a big deal is because when I do sing like that, I open up in ways only music can make me open up. There is this strong emotional aspect of me that no one has ever seen, not even my parents. When I sing like this, I am truly vulnerable. I am at my most open peak when I let go to music, and I show all of myself.
It's very hard for me. Especially since I don't have much confidence in my voice. Plus, as I told Him last night, I'm afraid of people laughing at me. I'm terrified of embarrassing myself, even in front of Him. It's hard to show someone a side of you that you have never showed to anyone before, but that is why I am with Master, and why we are in the relationship we are in. Its time to push a boundary that I never dreamed of pushing, and I'm doing it for Master. Mainly by His request, but because I want Him to have all of me, and deep down, I've always wanted Him to know that side of me.
I don't know how I am going to get the nerve to do this, and I don't know when it will happen, but this is something I really need to do, especially if I want to give Master my all.
This is all kind of funny, really. I feel like I just gave away one of my darkest secrets. Haha
What is stranger about all of this, is somewhere inside me, I feel like if I finally let go in this fashion, maybe it could bring us closer. Maybe, this is the missing element in our relationship. Perhaps opening up fully will bring us to a better understanding of ourselves and I can finally submit to Him in ways I've never imagined. Maybe.. this is why I hold back when it comes to submitting to Him.
We'll see where this takes us...