Thursday, March 31, 2011

I'm So Damn Rude

Cry me a fucking river.
Okay so here is the low-down to this stupid situation that got resolved, but still should not have happened.
I JUST got home from a long and tiring day of work. I soon came to realize that dinner was made for my parents, but not for me, so while I was preparing some dinner for myself and Master, the phone starts to ring. I ignore it, (like usual) because I figured that my dad or mom was going to answer it. Well since my mom wasn't bothering to move, I thought to myself, "I guess dad will get it." Well I walked into my room to talk to Master about something for a moment and the phone finally stops ringing. I hear mom ask something along the lines of "Did you just let the phone ring and not answer it?" And I just assumed she was pissed cause dad din't answer it. She does stuff like that often enough, I didn't think anything was out of the norm. She bitches at my dad off and on all week every week? Why bother thinking anything had changed?
I soon found out how wrong I was.
I got back into the kitchen to check on the temp. on the deep fryer and then mom asks me the same question. I turn around and said "I thought dad had it." Well long story short from this point, I got told I was "rude", that I "live here too", and that I should have some "common courtesy" to answer the phone. Because why? Because they were too damn busy stuffing their faces to get to the phone. So because eating is more important than a phone call to them, it's my responsibility to answer a call that is just as important? Wait what?
Back this shit up!
So a phone call is important, so it's rude not to answer. Eating is important so it's okay for "you as a parent" not to answer, but your daughter has to drop everything she's doing and answer it for you? Am I the only one seeing this failed piece of logic? Just wondering.
We have CALLER ID and CELL PHONES. If the call is so god damn important they will fucking call back, leave a message, or call your cell phone! If neither above is applicable, and eating is so fucking important to you that you can set your food aside for TWO MINUTES, THEY CAN WAIT TILL YOU CALL THEM BACK! If your shit is so damn important that you can't drop what you are doing, why do you expect me to do it? I NEVER answer the phone unless BOTH PARENTS ARE GONE. Seeing as they were both home, I didn't answer it. It's been like this for the past THREE YEARS. Suddenly I'm rude now, and I have a lack of common courtesy? Makes perfect fucking sense. >.<; breathes
At any rate, after her posting on my FB wall about how wrong I am and all this shit. (Lol She tried arguing to me over fucking face book. Gotta love it). I finally swallowed my pride, walked into the living room and gave her what she wanted to hear, that she was right, I was wrong, and that I was sorry for being so rude and not using my head for a second.
She didn't apologize back, but decided to "forgive" me anyways. At least I was the bigger person, and that is what matter most. It's not about being wrong or right, it's about swallowing your pride and letting them think they have it all figured out, even if it burns you up on the inside.
Far better of me to just drop it instead of let her work herself into a heated frenzy, like she usually does, and blow up on me. Maybe she'll sleep better tonight knowing she got something to go her way.
Petty shit is stupid. Can't believe this all got blown out of proportion over a fucking phone call. And she calls me immature. >.<;

Monday, March 28, 2011

Whippings and Laughter.

When I say "whippings" I mean full on you have a crop or a cane smacking hard against your bare ass. The reason I bring this up is because I had something happen to me not too long ago that has never happened before.
Master and I were scening and I had previously told Him that I wanted Him to go full force on me. Master has never gone full force and I just REALLY wanted to know how it would feel. So long story short, Master whipped me as hard as he could without permanently damaging me and the next thing we knew, Master had broke the thin cane across my bottom. It hurt like a BITCH, but what made it so odd was that, not only was I not crying from this, when some pain usually does cause me to slip a few tears here and there, I was LAUGHING. I hardly ever laugh at Master's strikes, and it didn't help that we were both trying to be serious.
It certainly didn't tickle, and it really wasn't funny, but there was something odd about how my body was reacting to the pain I was receiving. I was filled with joy, instead of.. well "fear" is the best way to put it, and I just couldn't stop laughing. My ass was bruised for three days after that and it hurt to sit, but I just don't get it.
I took this from a post I made on fetlife. I made this post and the only thing I took out was my question on if anyone else had ever experienced this.
I brought this up today because I have been thinking about it off and on for a while now and I ended up asking the group Pain Sluts on FL about this. What answers I got and another group got for the same type of scenario kind of surprised me. I learned that a LOT of people experience this sort of thing, and it is mainly because of an endorphin rush. Most of the people who responded to either post said the same things. Typically if there is laughter going on then there is nothing to worry about it it typically means that something is going pretty right. 
What they meant by this was that if you're laughing while being whipped really hard, that there is nothing wrong with laughing. And even if you don't laugh, that doesn't mean the Dom/me is not giving a good dose of a whipping either.
Anyways, I posed this because I found it highly intriguing, and wanted to share it with who ever is reading this.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Feeling Not Quite Myself

Today is going to be a long day, and I can already feel it. Master took an hour and a half to come see me today because His mother decided to keep Him for lunch. Sure, I had plans to eat out this afternoon with Him, but I hadn't told Master yet, so I guess that was my fault. Oh well. That's not my point to this new post though. The point is, I don't feel like myself today. At all. I was straightening my hair today after a shower and as usual, I burned my hand on the heat coming off my hair. The only difference? I didn't realize it till I was about half way done with straightening my hair. I thought to myself, "Maybe my nerves in my hands are shot." But moments later, I burned my hand again. I felt it that time, but the odd part about it is usually that searing hot pain typically makes me flinch and at least say "Ow!" but not today. Today it didn't even phase me. 

I was already in a bad mood because.. well.. I was a little pissed at how things were going between Master and I today. (We've already had an argument by this point). I didn't think me being in a bad mood would have even caused this, and I still don't think that's it. I had set my straightener down and walked over to my computer desk and picked up this size 8 gauge earing that had a REALLY sharp pointy end on it. Something I KNEW that if I had accidentally stab myself with, it would hurt. (Trust me, it DOES hurt, I cut my finger open on it once when I wasn't paying attention in the past. I really shouldn't have been wearing it in my ear like I used to, but it was meant for the ear so.. *shrugs*).

Anyways, I took the sharp pointy part to my hand and pushed enough to not cut the skin, but leave a small hole there for a few minutes. Felt pain, but still, nothing. I didn't flinch, I didn't even think to utter the word "Ouch." and while it did hurt it was almost like I didn't.. care.... I did it again, only to my forearm, to see if it was only because of my hands. 

Same damn thing. 

The hell is wrong with me? By this point Master is stating that maybe I have shot nerves. I told Him I know it isn't that because if my nerves were shot, I wouldn't have even felt it. At least that is past personal experience for me. I know my nerves aren't shot. I FEEL the intense pain, I'm just... not phased. Last time I felt like this, it was several years ago when I was dealing with deep depression and partially suicidal. I hate to admit it, but it's done and over now, and that part of my life I know is gone. (The suicidal part). I used to cut myself. I'd cut lines along my legs with anything sharp I could find. Knives, razor blades, scissors. You name it, I probably tried it. Back then I couldn't be phased by pain either. It was odd. I'd be bleeding and I could feel the pain, but it was like.. well you get it.

Except I KNOW right now I'm not suicidal. Haven't been for years. Do I still deal with depression? Yeah. That's something I fear I will deal with the rest of my life. After all, I take after my father who also suffers from  depression, and such, and he's dealt with it all his life as well. Just my luck. lol

Not only is the lack of being phased by pain is there, but I feel... not empty but.. blank today. Like anything that could happen bad or good wouldn't phase me either. Actually Master stated earlier on His way to my place (out of anger) that if I hung up the phone on Him another time (I don't like when Master's driving to be talking on the phone. Or anyone for that matter) that He would turn the car around and go Him. For a split second I was angry and told Him to go ahead and do it, and then BAM! It hit me! I really didn't care if He did or didn't. Typically I'd be really upset if He said something like that. I'd even start crying, like I have in the past before. 

I'm just hoping that I'm having an off morning/afternoon and that I'll be feeling back to normal once I get to leaving this house. I just... don't get it... And I don't expect anyone to tell me why I feel this way, because hell, if I sure as hell can't figure it out, then no one else can. I'd just like for this to go away so I can feel something again.. Feel happy. I can't even smile today. I don't think I've smiled at all since last night. Meh.

I guess that is all for now. I'll update later tonight, hopefully, on how this day has turned out.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I'm An IDIOT~!!!

Okay, so recently I set myself up a new steam account and Master got Himself Counter Strike Source and set up His own steam account so he could play with me on there. My father, who got me into Counter Strike SEVERAL years back (as in I was about 12 years of age) still plays it to this day. Dad noticed the other day when Master and I were both in here playing CSS. He made a comment and talked about us joining his server. Neither of us thought anything about it and we did. 

Today, my dad came in my room, actually five freaking minutes ago, and was like "Hey, you and Evan should add me to your buddy list and we can all get in there and play sometime." First thing that came to my mind was "OH SHIT!" Why? Because I now have to de-kinkify my profile, and His!! >.< (Yes, I had my profile set up stating that I was Master's slave. I even had a picture of me up with my hair wet in Master's bathroom, and my collar on.) NOT SUGGESTIVE AT ALL~!!!!! Neither of my parents know ANYTHING about my lifestyle with Master, and the way everyone else see's it, we are just a "normal" couple. *flails* I've already fixed my profile up and it's save, but Master's has that I'm his "sub" in it, and I'm trying to frantically change it~!! BUT MASTER GAVE ME THE WRONG LOGIN INFO~!!!!! *panics* GAH~!!!!! 

I'll update later~!!!!! >.<;;

Monday, March 21, 2011

Putting Forth The Effort

About two weeks ago, I had a sit down with my Master and actually "talked" with Him about certain things in my life. This, doesn't really happen too often because He and I are always busy with what is going on in our lives and while we do get to spend time with one another, we are constantly focused on the "here and now" and what we need to get done right then and there, that we never get to talk out our feelings sometimes.

I had been having a rather off day, and things really seemed to not be going my way. I have dealt with self-esteem issues ever since I was little when my parents got their divorce, and it has only gotten worse up until my sophomore year in high school. I have struggled with the typical things an adolescent goes through, such as feeling left out, wanting to fit in, trying to do well in school, and trying to figure out just who exactly I was and what I was meant to be. I also dealt with divorce, molestation (this would have been harder for me to admit if it were about 6 years ago), fluctuating weight gain and loss, depression, suicide, being socially awkward, and anorexia. (Yeah my life wasn't the best, but it certainly could have been worse, so please don't take pity on me. It only makes me agitated). Anyways, knowing that now, it explains a lot about how I am today. I have strong feelings and views because of all the things I have experienced in my life, and even more so at a really young age. I was forced to grow up at the age of 8 and never really had this thing called a "child hood." I was making decisions at a young age that I really shouldn't have had been making till I was about the age I am now, which is 20 years of age.

I won't get into that though. I've derailed from the main topic anyways. Sorry about that.

So yeah, had a bad week, and Master was sitting with me at the table and I just suddenly started talking. I don't remember exactly HOW it got started, but I do know that the conversation lasted a couple of hours. I cried a little, told Him some of my insecurities and made it known that I was not happy with my life in the least bit. There are things that I wish to accomplish in my life, and the way I am going now, I do not feel as if I were headed in the right direction. So after pouring out my heart to Him and laying it all out there on the line, we agreed that if I wanted to better myself in everything I do, that I was to actually start doing it. 

Over a year ago... almost two years ago, actually, Master and I started out in our M/s lifestyle and He made a set of rules. Rules in which I am to follow on a daily basis. Rules that were, sadly, not being enforced properly. This was about to change. Master actually added a few more rules to that list the very same night we had this discussion, and has now been enforcing them to the best of His abilities. Ever since this started, I have noticed that I am starting to feel a little better about myself. I am able to uphold certain duties with out Master at my heel's correcting me. Granted, I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, but I am putting forth my best efforts, and Master is seeing that in me. 

Serving Master is something typical that I talk about, and while it gives me pleasure, I have never really spoke about the benefits I have emotionally or physically. The more I do right in honor of Him, the happier I feel, the more at peace with myself I am, and the more accomplished I feel when the day is done. It has been years since I last felt satisfied with something every time I go to lay my head down at the end of the day. For the first time in years, I actually feel... dare I say, alive. And while that may seem silly, if you knew half the things that I have experienced, you'd understand. 

My spirits have been lifting up day by day as I see how proud He is of me. It really does wonders on me. My self-esteem was a lot better by the time I started seeing Master, but while it has improved a lot over the the past two years, I still have a lot of work to do. Master is what makes me feel best. 

Another problem, as I listed above, is that I have had weight gain and loss issues ALL my life. When I was a child I was STICK thin. (If only I had my picture of when I was five scanned and uploaded to my computer. You'd see I wasn't kidding). And then after the divorce of my parents and the molestation, I began to gain weight rapidly. I went from "tiny twig" to chubby in a few short months. My activity also decreased and my drive to go outside to play disappeared along with it. It really sucked. Eventually, my father remarried and we moved to where I live now. Throughout middle school I would start to lose weight again due to anorexia and as I entered high school I started having those big fluctuations. I gained weight and while I did lose about 40 pounds one summer, I gained it all back and am now stuck on borderline 200 lbs as I type this today. (I weigh about 185-190 Give or take a few pounds). I am not a happy camper. 

Today, I found myself rather upset, more-so than usual, because Master wanted to take me motorcycle riding and I didn't have any pairs of jeans that could fit me anymore. (We did get to go ride, I just.. couldn't wear any jeans). It wasn't till later when we got back to His place and we were searching for gear for both of us to wear so we could be protected while riding that I started getting really upset. Master is REALLY tiny compared to me, and I mean.. He's a skinny guy. Small built and everything. 90% of His clothes do not fit me. occasionally we will find a shirt or maybe a pair of sweat pants that will fit me and a jacket or two, but that is it. Almost all of the jackets Master handed me wouldn't zip up (did I mention my boobs are also borderline D's? Not. Cool.). And as I was trying to walk away in frustration, He mentions letting me borrow a pair of His jeans. At this point, I was really hurt. Master didn't mean to, He was just trying to help, and didn't think His words through, but I couldn't help it. It was what finally sent me into a waterfall of tears and the next hour was spent of me crying like a baby and yeah..

At any rate, Master talked me out of my little sad fit of the day and got me calmed down. He told me He was determined to help my lose weight and was going to from now on monitor what I eat, how big my portions are and my exercising routine. Being that I am big into skateboarding, that was something that was definitely not out of the question. We have skateboarded for the last three days in a row, and hope to continue getting more skate sessions in. It's good for muscle strength. 

Today we also put in one of His mom's 6 yoga DVD's and it was called Fat Burning Yoga. Master and I QUICKLY learned what that was all about and about halfway through it, I was pouring with sweat. It was gross, but man I felt great. I never thought yoga positions could make you sweat and burn calories like that but it worked. I plan on doing those exact exercises every other day to start a routine that will get me into shape. Plus, I have always enjoyed yoga, so it's another plus. 

Master and I ended the day with a breathing exercise I picked up from a friend of my a while back and it helped relax myself and Master and after our full routine this evening, both of us were feeling a lot better, physically. I hope to keep this routine up and I hope that it will do me well in my journey to lose weight and get into shape. 

Anyway, I have probably gone on too long, and bored you all to death, but yeah. Enjoy and stay well everyone. Love you guys.

P.S. If you ever feel down and out. Think of all the good that has happened in your life. Cherish it and remember that it could have always ended up worse.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

The Annoyance of Repetition

Okay.. This is going to end up as a rant, so just warning you BEFORE you continue to read this. Just a forewarning. Alright. Lets start this.

I... HATE repetition with a PASSION. It is something that annoys me more than most things in this world, and when it happens I tend to lose my nerve a bit. I guess I'll get right to the point though, and I have a feeling I'm either going to get some hate on this, or maybe even told that I am ungrateful, but before you start going on about that, PLEASE take everything I say into consideration and hear me out. READ IT ALL before you jump to conclusions.

Moving forward.

Master has this knack for saying "I love you" REPEATEDLY throughout the day, and it's not just five or six times, it's at least in the TEENS. He says it first thing in the morning (Which makes me VERY happy). He says it every time He calls me (which is quite often, and nice. I like hearing that my Master loves me). He says it every time He see's me ( That's nice too, love hearing it in person). He tells me He loves me before we go to bed at night too. (Love that part the most). He says it (and this is the kicker and I'll explain why) every time we get silent. As if it is supposed to be some sort of silent ice breaker. *takes a deep breath*

Now, before I start into the full on rant, I wish to point out a few things. Note how I mentioned above that I love when He tells me He loves me in the mornings, when He calls me, when He see's me, and when we both are getting off the phone at night and saying goodnight to one another. I REALLY do appreciate being told I am loved, but I am a FIRM believer in "If you say something TOO MUCH, it loses its meaning". That all out of the way, I can get on with this.

I can not STAND HOW MUCH HE FUCKING SAYS IT! I kid you not, every time we are on the phone (which is quite often throughout the day. We have at least 4 different phone conversations on days I don't work) I hear the words "I love you" come out of His mouth AT LEAST FIVE TIMES before ONE phone conversation is over. And that is JUST the beginning. In person, I hear it more times than I can count on 3 pairs of hands. When He first see's me. When we get in the car. When one of us get's out of the car when we make a stop. When the other gets back IN the car. When we finally arrive to our destination + a kiss at some of these points. SOMETIMES when we get inside where we were going. A few times while we are there (at a minimum). When I get silent. (DEAR GOD AND THIS IS TOO OFTEN!) Sometimes, I want a little bit of freaking SILENCE! I NEED SILENCE! (I'm sorry if this is really bad... I just.. need to let this out because really, as MANY times as I tell Him that it really does bother me, HE STILL FUCKING DOES IT~!!!!) *flails in frustration*.

And honestly, I could list off a dozen other scenarios, but really, I think you guys get the point. IT IS PISS ASS ANNOYING!

There is NOTHING wrong with Him telling me He loves me, but when He says it as much as what He does, I really do feel I am losing it. And if I don't say it back almost immediately, he does the OTHER thing that pisses me off even more and goes "What's wrong?" Get's a TINY pouty. *Takes another deep breath* >.<;; This.. is where I am starting to get agitated. I will always tell Him "Look, it's nothing." Because usually, it really is nothing, other than the fact I get so sick of saying "I love you" OVER AND OVER and honestly, I need a damn break. 

Granted, I've TALKED to Him about this, and He says "I understand." or "Okay, I'm sorry, I'll try to work on that a bit." AND NOTHING IS SOLVED! And then, when I FINALLY get pushed so far with this that I actually get a little snappy, He get's snappy right back and it turns into Him going "FINE! Fine." And follows with some other things and it's just so fucking frustrating. I literally looked over at Him one time and said; "Look, honey. I love you too, I REALLY do, but for god's sake, we do not have to say it a hundred times in one day. It is tiring, it is said way too much for my liking, and I really do feel like the more you say it constantly, the more it loses its meaning." And I really do feel that way. 

Guys... There comes a point ALMOST every day where it has been said SO many times, that I when He says it, I feel like I am OBLIGATED to say it back or else I'll upset Him. Why? Because honestly, it's the god forsaken truth. If I even ONCE dare not say it back, He will start asking me "What's wrong? Did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me?" And it just.. PISSES ME OFF! Is it bad that the constant repetition of those two things from day to day really irk my nerves? Is it bad that I honestly do get this pissed off over something so simple as my loved one saying "I love you" too much? 

Am I a mean or bad person for this? I just.. I don't even get it sometimes. Please, understand that I do love my Master, and I do appreciate that He takes time out of each day to tell me that He loves me, I just wish He wouldn't say it under every freaking circumstance. Am I the only one who thinks that as many times as He says it is just a little too much? (And I REALLY hate to say it, but none of this is an exaggeration. This is seriously how it goes EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.) Just.. I need some advice and some helpful words, because flat out telling Him how I feel about it, gets me nowhere. I've done it at least four times and it continues. Just.. please... Help? *sigh* >.<;

Thursday, March 10, 2011

An Oath To Master

This was something that was brought to my attention the other night, that I should have done well.. when I started posting and made this blog. Master had asked me to make Him a written proof promise of my submission to Him. Something that I started on, and am ashamed to admit, I never did post (like He wanted me to). For that, I feel I have done Master wrong, and though He has been lenient with me on this, I feel I should bring this up to Him. I feel that I have done Master wrong in not posting this before hand, and honestly do hope a punishment is in order to remind me to never slack off again. At any rate, here is my written promise to Master.

Kittens' Oath to Her Master.

As Your slave, I promise to stay by Your side.
I will honor Your every will at Your command.
I will serve You in every way possible.
I will protect You with my being.
I want to be the best You want me to be.
Help this girl strive to be her best.
Help this slave to do her Master right.
Guide me with Your firm hand.
Show me how to live.

As Your servant, I promise to tend to Your needs.
I will massage Your aches and pains away.
I will prepare meals for You every day.
I will nurture You till you feel healthy.
I wish to keep You happy, so that I may be happy.
I want to be the best You want me to be.
Help this girl to be domestic.
Help this slave to treat her Master right.
Guide me with Your strict hand.
Show me how to serve.

As Your lover, I promise to love You unconditionally.
I will speak nothing less of the truth.
I will forever be there for You.
I will keep Your darkest of secrets.
I shall forever prove my love to You by serving You.
I want to be the best You want me to be.
Help this girl to forever remain loyal.
Help this slave to prove her Master right
Guide me with Your gentle hand.
Show me how to love.

As Your partner, I promise to do anything for You.
I will tell You my fears.
I will trust You with my life.
I will push my limits for You.
I want to be the best You want me to be.
Help this girl to mature properly.
Help this slave to reflect her Master well.
Guide me with Your helping hand.
Show me how to grow.

With this oath I bestow upon our relationship, I will do my best to keep my promises.
I will uphold every will You desire, and I will test myself to make sure I am on top of things for You.
I love You Master, and I am ready to be Your servant, Your slave, and Your partner.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

The Gorean Lifestyle.

Not going to lie, I am HIGHLY curious about it, and though I know for a fact it will take me a LONG time to learn as much of it as I can (there are LITERALLY 29 books about Gor, and a friend of mine who lives the Gorean lifestyle has recommended reading ALL 29 books), It is definitely worth it. I am curious about this lifestyle, and maybe some day, Master and I can become Gorean. I hope to start getting these books and learning as soon as possible.

Sorry this post was really short, I just wanted to state that this is something I might indulge myself in soon enough.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Just An Update

This post is going to be a quick one because I am REALLY tired and have a headache, but I promised Master I'd do my best to keep up with posting.

So the news of this week is Hermies LOVES mangoes. He is fully back to normal after he had his molt, and earlier today I went out and got a bigger cage and another crab to be friends with Hermies. His name? Icarus. Lol I'm so weird. Naming my crabs after those who had "wings" of a sort and they don't have wings. Hermies seems to like having more room to roam about and Icarus is really friendly. Unlike Hermies, who hides in his shell when you go to pick him up, Icarus will happily run around in my hands. Hermies, however, is a LITTLE better about being less shy, but we still have more hand training to do. Turns out Icarus likes mangoes too!

There was one hermit crab I saw at the store that was HUGE! Poor guy needed a larger shell because his legs didn't even fit inside the shell at all. And the size of his bigger pincher was just.. Wow. If it weren't for the fact I was afraid he'd kill Hermies, I would have brought him home too.

Anyways, got a little side tracked there. I really had to share it.

Welp other than that, the only other news I have is..

Well you guys don't really care do you?

You do?

You sure?

Alright well... March 5th. Tomorrow.. IS MY BIRTHDAY~!!!!! =D I'm going to be 20 years old! WOOOO~!!!

And now for pictures.

Hermies eating the mango.

Icarus roaming about and Hermies on the star sponge in the back.

Icarus in the front. Hermies in the back.

Me getting ready to take Icarus out.

Icarus on my hand.

Icarus going from my hand to Master's hand.

Now Master is holding Icarus. =)