Monday, March 21, 2011

Putting Forth The Effort

About two weeks ago, I had a sit down with my Master and actually "talked" with Him about certain things in my life. This, doesn't really happen too often because He and I are always busy with what is going on in our lives and while we do get to spend time with one another, we are constantly focused on the "here and now" and what we need to get done right then and there, that we never get to talk out our feelings sometimes.

I had been having a rather off day, and things really seemed to not be going my way. I have dealt with self-esteem issues ever since I was little when my parents got their divorce, and it has only gotten worse up until my sophomore year in high school. I have struggled with the typical things an adolescent goes through, such as feeling left out, wanting to fit in, trying to do well in school, and trying to figure out just who exactly I was and what I was meant to be. I also dealt with divorce, molestation (this would have been harder for me to admit if it were about 6 years ago), fluctuating weight gain and loss, depression, suicide, being socially awkward, and anorexia. (Yeah my life wasn't the best, but it certainly could have been worse, so please don't take pity on me. It only makes me agitated). Anyways, knowing that now, it explains a lot about how I am today. I have strong feelings and views because of all the things I have experienced in my life, and even more so at a really young age. I was forced to grow up at the age of 8 and never really had this thing called a "child hood." I was making decisions at a young age that I really shouldn't have had been making till I was about the age I am now, which is 20 years of age.

I won't get into that though. I've derailed from the main topic anyways. Sorry about that.

So yeah, had a bad week, and Master was sitting with me at the table and I just suddenly started talking. I don't remember exactly HOW it got started, but I do know that the conversation lasted a couple of hours. I cried a little, told Him some of my insecurities and made it known that I was not happy with my life in the least bit. There are things that I wish to accomplish in my life, and the way I am going now, I do not feel as if I were headed in the right direction. So after pouring out my heart to Him and laying it all out there on the line, we agreed that if I wanted to better myself in everything I do, that I was to actually start doing it. 

Over a year ago... almost two years ago, actually, Master and I started out in our M/s lifestyle and He made a set of rules. Rules in which I am to follow on a daily basis. Rules that were, sadly, not being enforced properly. This was about to change. Master actually added a few more rules to that list the very same night we had this discussion, and has now been enforcing them to the best of His abilities. Ever since this started, I have noticed that I am starting to feel a little better about myself. I am able to uphold certain duties with out Master at my heel's correcting me. Granted, I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, but I am putting forth my best efforts, and Master is seeing that in me. 

Serving Master is something typical that I talk about, and while it gives me pleasure, I have never really spoke about the benefits I have emotionally or physically. The more I do right in honor of Him, the happier I feel, the more at peace with myself I am, and the more accomplished I feel when the day is done. It has been years since I last felt satisfied with something every time I go to lay my head down at the end of the day. For the first time in years, I actually feel... dare I say, alive. And while that may seem silly, if you knew half the things that I have experienced, you'd understand. 

My spirits have been lifting up day by day as I see how proud He is of me. It really does wonders on me. My self-esteem was a lot better by the time I started seeing Master, but while it has improved a lot over the the past two years, I still have a lot of work to do. Master is what makes me feel best. 

Another problem, as I listed above, is that I have had weight gain and loss issues ALL my life. When I was a child I was STICK thin. (If only I had my picture of when I was five scanned and uploaded to my computer. You'd see I wasn't kidding). And then after the divorce of my parents and the molestation, I began to gain weight rapidly. I went from "tiny twig" to chubby in a few short months. My activity also decreased and my drive to go outside to play disappeared along with it. It really sucked. Eventually, my father remarried and we moved to where I live now. Throughout middle school I would start to lose weight again due to anorexia and as I entered high school I started having those big fluctuations. I gained weight and while I did lose about 40 pounds one summer, I gained it all back and am now stuck on borderline 200 lbs as I type this today. (I weigh about 185-190 Give or take a few pounds). I am not a happy camper. 

Today, I found myself rather upset, more-so than usual, because Master wanted to take me motorcycle riding and I didn't have any pairs of jeans that could fit me anymore. (We did get to go ride, I just.. couldn't wear any jeans). It wasn't till later when we got back to His place and we were searching for gear for both of us to wear so we could be protected while riding that I started getting really upset. Master is REALLY tiny compared to me, and I mean.. He's a skinny guy. Small built and everything. 90% of His clothes do not fit me. occasionally we will find a shirt or maybe a pair of sweat pants that will fit me and a jacket or two, but that is it. Almost all of the jackets Master handed me wouldn't zip up (did I mention my boobs are also borderline D's? Not. Cool.). And as I was trying to walk away in frustration, He mentions letting me borrow a pair of His jeans. At this point, I was really hurt. Master didn't mean to, He was just trying to help, and didn't think His words through, but I couldn't help it. It was what finally sent me into a waterfall of tears and the next hour was spent of me crying like a baby and yeah..

At any rate, Master talked me out of my little sad fit of the day and got me calmed down. He told me He was determined to help my lose weight and was going to from now on monitor what I eat, how big my portions are and my exercising routine. Being that I am big into skateboarding, that was something that was definitely not out of the question. We have skateboarded for the last three days in a row, and hope to continue getting more skate sessions in. It's good for muscle strength. 

Today we also put in one of His mom's 6 yoga DVD's and it was called Fat Burning Yoga. Master and I QUICKLY learned what that was all about and about halfway through it, I was pouring with sweat. It was gross, but man I felt great. I never thought yoga positions could make you sweat and burn calories like that but it worked. I plan on doing those exact exercises every other day to start a routine that will get me into shape. Plus, I have always enjoyed yoga, so it's another plus. 

Master and I ended the day with a breathing exercise I picked up from a friend of my a while back and it helped relax myself and Master and after our full routine this evening, both of us were feeling a lot better, physically. I hope to keep this routine up and I hope that it will do me well in my journey to lose weight and get into shape. 

Anyway, I have probably gone on too long, and bored you all to death, but yeah. Enjoy and stay well everyone. Love you guys.

P.S. If you ever feel down and out. Think of all the good that has happened in your life. Cherish it and remember that it could have always ended up worse.


  1. I'm so glad you're starting to work things out, and that everything seems to be coming together ^_^

    I really related to this post...not only about the things you've been through (I had to grow up early, too)--but also the craving for structure...Panda and I have had more than one talk about setting up rules, but this past time has been the most effective...and it's made me feel so much more fulfilled than I felt before...

    I'm glad you've finally found some rules that work, and that he's enforcing, and hope your new rules/workout schedule go well ^_^


  2. Thank you. I hope things continue to get better for the both of us. I'm glad things are finally working out a lot better than in the past.