Saturday, March 26, 2011

Feeling Not Quite Myself

Today is going to be a long day, and I can already feel it. Master took an hour and a half to come see me today because His mother decided to keep Him for lunch. Sure, I had plans to eat out this afternoon with Him, but I hadn't told Master yet, so I guess that was my fault. Oh well. That's not my point to this new post though. The point is, I don't feel like myself today. At all. I was straightening my hair today after a shower and as usual, I burned my hand on the heat coming off my hair. The only difference? I didn't realize it till I was about half way done with straightening my hair. I thought to myself, "Maybe my nerves in my hands are shot." But moments later, I burned my hand again. I felt it that time, but the odd part about it is usually that searing hot pain typically makes me flinch and at least say "Ow!" but not today. Today it didn't even phase me. 

I was already in a bad mood because.. well.. I was a little pissed at how things were going between Master and I today. (We've already had an argument by this point). I didn't think me being in a bad mood would have even caused this, and I still don't think that's it. I had set my straightener down and walked over to my computer desk and picked up this size 8 gauge earing that had a REALLY sharp pointy end on it. Something I KNEW that if I had accidentally stab myself with, it would hurt. (Trust me, it DOES hurt, I cut my finger open on it once when I wasn't paying attention in the past. I really shouldn't have been wearing it in my ear like I used to, but it was meant for the ear so.. *shrugs*).

Anyways, I took the sharp pointy part to my hand and pushed enough to not cut the skin, but leave a small hole there for a few minutes. Felt pain, but still, nothing. I didn't flinch, I didn't even think to utter the word "Ouch." and while it did hurt it was almost like I didn't.. care.... I did it again, only to my forearm, to see if it was only because of my hands. 

Same damn thing. 

The hell is wrong with me? By this point Master is stating that maybe I have shot nerves. I told Him I know it isn't that because if my nerves were shot, I wouldn't have even felt it. At least that is past personal experience for me. I know my nerves aren't shot. I FEEL the intense pain, I'm just... not phased. Last time I felt like this, it was several years ago when I was dealing with deep depression and partially suicidal. I hate to admit it, but it's done and over now, and that part of my life I know is gone. (The suicidal part). I used to cut myself. I'd cut lines along my legs with anything sharp I could find. Knives, razor blades, scissors. You name it, I probably tried it. Back then I couldn't be phased by pain either. It was odd. I'd be bleeding and I could feel the pain, but it was like.. well you get it.

Except I KNOW right now I'm not suicidal. Haven't been for years. Do I still deal with depression? Yeah. That's something I fear I will deal with the rest of my life. After all, I take after my father who also suffers from  depression, and such, and he's dealt with it all his life as well. Just my luck. lol

Not only is the lack of being phased by pain is there, but I feel... not empty but.. blank today. Like anything that could happen bad or good wouldn't phase me either. Actually Master stated earlier on His way to my place (out of anger) that if I hung up the phone on Him another time (I don't like when Master's driving to be talking on the phone. Or anyone for that matter) that He would turn the car around and go Him. For a split second I was angry and told Him to go ahead and do it, and then BAM! It hit me! I really didn't care if He did or didn't. Typically I'd be really upset if He said something like that. I'd even start crying, like I have in the past before. 

I'm just hoping that I'm having an off morning/afternoon and that I'll be feeling back to normal once I get to leaving this house. I just... don't get it... And I don't expect anyone to tell me why I feel this way, because hell, if I sure as hell can't figure it out, then no one else can. I'd just like for this to go away so I can feel something again.. Feel happy. I can't even smile today. I don't think I've smiled at all since last night. Meh.

I guess that is all for now. I'll update later tonight, hopefully, on how this day has turned out.

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