I've always had that generic "fear of the dark" thing looming over my head, except that fear also included being alone in the dark... while it was so quiet you could hear the quietest of noises. That type of thing has literally scared me all of my life, and to this day it still affects me. Tonight, however, Master began a training of sorts with me; a type of training to get me to no longer have that fear of being alone in a dark quiet room.
He started off by unraveling this tape and wrapping it around my head so that it became a tight fitting blind fold. It was bright orange, so through that and my closed eyes, I could see a little bit of light. I also had ear plugs in my ears to make it harder or me to hear sounds around me. I knew exactly where this was going, and I braced myself for the worse.
At first, Master turned off all the lights except for the black light. We sat down on the bed (after I staggered around trying to find the bed) and He gently kissed me and held me as He talked to me about this fear.
"So you've told me in the past that you are afraid of being in the dark. Is that right?"
"Yeah..."
"Is it just being in the dark, or is it being alone in the dark?"
I felt myself swallow hard on the simple answer I was about to give, "Alone.. in the dark..."
"So then you know that eventually you will have to face this fear, right?"
"Yes..."
"Then you know what is about to happen, don't you?"
"I.. I have a feeling I do."
After a short pep-talk, I was told that I was about to be left in the room, alone in the dark by myself for a minute or so, and that Master would be right outside the door if I needed Him to come back in. All I'd have to say is "Yellow" and He'd come to my rescue.
Immediately my heart started racing, and I could feel my breathing escalate. Master asked if I was ready, and I replied sheepishly that I was. The last thing I remember was the lights going out, turning the room pitch black, and hearing the door shut through my muffled ears. In no time I took shelter beneath the blanket, feeling safest there, and I started repeating to myself over and over "You can do this. You can do this." thinking to myself of how proud Master would be of me if I would be brave for as long as I could for Him.
Moments later I heard the door open, and Master was touching me, asking me if I was okay. Instantly, I began to calm down, my heart rate returning to normal and my breathing leveling out. Tears started forming in my eyes and I felt the makeshift blindfold become moist from my tears. I told Him I was okay, and I agreed to continue this training for a little while longer.
It turns out, Master was in the room with me the first time around, and He had heard everything I said and stopped me because He wanted to make sure I was okay. After that, the training got a little easier, but I still felt that anxious feeling each time He left. Feeling like something was in the room with me, when in reality no one was there except me.
By the time we finished tonight, Master said I was alone in the dark for about 7 minutes after adding up all the times He left me in there. The longest I stayed in there by myself was about 4 minutes, which also happened to be the last time we did it for tonight.
One thing I'm really proud of is that I never called out "yellow". I wanted to REALLY bad at times, but I stuck it out for myself and for Master. I knew that I could grow from this experience in some way, and it helped me out knowing that I could be "brave" for Master.
This is not the last time it will happen, and in fact, Master has already informed me that each time I will be forced to lay in darkness for longer periods at a time. The safe word will always be there though, but I'm really hoping I won't have to use it. I want to overcome this fear of mine, and I want to let Master help me with this fear.
Plus it's always nice knowing that Master loves me no matter what, and having cuddles and kisses after this session does make things easier for me. I just hope that once more time gets added on I don't freak out and have a panic attack... This fear may not seem like much to people, but to me it's terrifying and really can ruin things for me. Even if I don't act like it on the outside.
So we'll see where this goes. I'll update you all the next time this happens, which I have a feeling will be very soon.
~*~Anastassia~*~
Ouch, although training through fear with a safeword is always a good option.
ReplyDeleteA secret? I used to have a phobia of thunderstorms. It was because I was in a tornado-rich area... I don't really remember what exactly caused me to believe I would be killed in a tornado every time the thunderstorms came through... but fear is not rational. Fear is just that - blind and senseless and terrible and all encompassing. I spent YEARS so terrified that I would die every time a thunderstorm came through that I religiously went into the basement, under the stairs, and cowered in panic attacks.
But, you know what? I don't have to live like that anymore. Somehow I fought through it.
If I might make a few suggestions?
1. Don't answer on here, but - what is the worst thought going through your mind when you do find yourself alone in the dark? Is it that there's the possibility that something there with you that is going to hurt you? Finding the exact trigger will help your master and you a heck of a lot.
2. Mantras. The brain is terrible at making sense when encompassed with fear, so logic won't help much. Conditioning... like the training you're doing, helps, but you're going to end up taking longer if there is not a focus for your mind to realize that you ARE indeed ok. Is there a phrase that connects you to your master? An image of your favorite place, or maybe some small gesture that you can make that you can associate with 'safe'? If you can find one focus point to use when you think it becomes unbearable, it makes the fear manageable. For example, start alternating between counting and naming the parts of your body that you can feel touching something. That's a good way to keep time AND take personal inventory - as in, my body is fine, I'm not in pain.
Good luck!
Moi
Thank you for that, Certari. That was very helpful, especially the second suggestion you pointed out to me. The first one, Master and I were going to start working on that in our next session. He just wanted to build up to that, but thank you. ^.^ ♥ You're always such a help, and I'm very thankful for a friends like you.
ReplyDeleteAlso, congrats on conquering your fear as well! =D I'm proud of you.