I bet you're wondering why I titled this post the way I did. Well, to be straight and direct, the title explains it all. For years, especially this past year, I have found myself unhappy with the way I am emotionally and physically.
In my opinion, I could be in a LOT better shape than I am right now. I'm a bit overweight, my breathing gets heavy if I run longer than 30 seconds, and I get tired way too easily for someone who is about to turn 20. This. Is. NOT. GOOD! At all. Granted, I'm not like a whopping 300 pounds, but I'm closing in on 200 and for my height... that is just.. not pleasant in any way. They way I see it, one day, when I have kids, I want to be able to be fit and keep up with them when they get to the age to be really active. I would be horribly depressed if I had to tell my kids "Mommy can't play tag with you guys, it hurts her to breathe.". I know that sounds like an exaggeration, but honestly, if I would keep up with the way I have been this past year, I guarantee you that is how I'd end up.
So what am I going to do about this, you ask? Correction. What AM I doing? Starting last week, I have been cutting back on sugars, junk food, and started exercising. I took a walk with Master around our park here in town, which added up the distance, it's about 1 mile around the park once. Instead of stopping at one lap, like my legs were wanting me to, I pushed for a second lap, and even walked up hill back to the car. Walking up hill after that length of walking was possibly one of the worst things I have experienced in a while, because the hill curves around the tennis court and you are walking up for a good 10 minutes. Get someone like me who has not exercised in months, and you'll get exactly what I did. Heaving and stopping twice to catch my breath.
It was at that moment that I decided that this is exactly what I needed. I needed to challenge my body and to not only help my physical appearance, but help my cardio vascular system improve. (For those of you who I just lost with that, it means I need to work out my heart and lungs so that I am not dying to breathe by the time I reach the top of a hill).
The very next day, I hung out with one of my friends, and we were supposed to just hang out at his place and I guess play video games or something. I was relieved when he called me up shortly before we were to hang out and popped the question of going to the park. Gladly, I said yes. Not only was it another beautiful sunny and warm day out, but it was another chance to exercise some more. And exercise was definitely what I got.
We didn't walk laps around the park. Screw that. We fucking HIKED through the hills/woods above the damn park! Yeah.. That uh.. SUCKED! I was breathing so hard by the time we reached the top, I had to sit down for a few minutes to rest and catch my breath. Once again, I was feeling like crap because I was in this bad of shape, but I was relieved to see that I made up the hill without collapsing. (Haha). Needless to say I spent most of my day outside hanging out with him and his fiancée (Whom I have known for years. I actually met him through her) and we walked around the downtown area and just had a nice day.
Then came day three of this new plan, and I gotta say, I thought I wasn't going to make it. Every third Friday of a month, my town has a huge group of people who have an event that is year round that is called Critical Mass. The best way to explain this is a shit ton of people get on bikes, some on skateboards, and ride all throughout the town stopping traffic where ever we go to raise awareness that our town needs a bike path and to re-legalize bikes and skateboarding in the city. For my first time EVER doing this, it was awesome. We biked about 8 miles, which is also new to me, and by the time we were done, I was so worn out, I almost cancelled on my double date plans to just go to bed early. I couldn't bring myself to do it though because I hadn't seen this friend in so many months and I just had to see him and his new girl. Too excited to quit on them. Not to mention, even though my legs were screaming at me the rest of the night and into the later of the next day, it was totally worth pushing through and seeing them.
Anyways, that is the beginning of what I am starting to do to help improve my physical appearance.
As for my emotions, I'm not too terribly sure where to start. I can be very clingy, and surprisingly, Master doesn't despise it like everyone else in my life has in the past. He says I don't need to change that part of me, but I feel it would be for the best for me. I am so stuck on being able to see Him almost all the time, that on the days I don't get to see Him, it really affects me. This.. needs to stop. I feel I am TOO clingy and that I need to learn to distance myself to the point where I can handle not being around Him and I can carry on my days without needing Him for entertainment. Now, take what I just said leniently, because what I mean by that is honestly just the fact that when I'm not with Him, I am bored as fuck! Something I find rather unhealthy about my demeanor. It just needs to change.
I'd like to start off with saying that I think I am already starting off in the right direction. This evening, Master picked me up from work, and on school nights, His parents want Him home by 9:30. Tonight, they wanted Him home by 9:15. On any other day, I would have pouted. The time I spend with my Master is very precious to me, and still is. Instead of getting upset like I typically would, I said okay, and that I could respect it. Didn't question it, and honestly, on the inside I was actually okay with it. Granted, we lost track of time and he ended up leaving the typical time anyways, so it was nice, but I was pleased with myself that if it hadn't worked out that way, I was alright with it.
It's not that I don't need Him, or that I don't want to be with Him, I just need to know that I can do other things without Him being around. I think it would work out best for us if I can successfully do that, especially when we are older, have a home, and possibly married with kids. That is if it ends up like that.
Anyways, I have rambled on too much about this, and probably bored you to death. I'll make updates later on when I am able to on my progress with both of these things.
Thanks for reading.