Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Friendship. It's Really Not So Easy.

Okay.. this past summer I lost one of the best friendships I had ever had with my friend Hannah. We had been best friends for nearly 8-9 years, and it was all gone because of one simple argument. Pretty fucking stupid, if you ask me. We both were at fault, but some things were said and I just could not tolerate it. Now I sit here, feeling lonely as hell because not only did I lose my best friend, but the ONLY person I have that is THAT close to me is my Master.... And granted, it's nice to have Him here by my side and being as close to Him as I am, but dammit, I miss her. I miss that friendship, and I just miss being that close to someone who I am NOT in a relationship with. It's down right heart breaking, really.

I honestly feel like I'm in a "friendship rut" and there is NO way of getting out of it. Not even my co-workers seem interested in getting that close to me.. Except Morgan.. we've hung out a few times and she is fun. I just.. I don't now if I'm trying too hard, or if I'm just awkward and weird and people don't want to hurt my feelings.. I just.. I don't get it. I'm not even trying to replace Hannah, because there is NO replacing her. It's cheesy, but she will always have a place in my heart.... I just want to be close to someone again.. I miss the intimacy of a close friendship and I miss being able to call up that person whenever I want to just talk, or hang out, and I miss the long conversations, and the calling in the middle of the night whether it be something exciting, or something devastating. It's like.. after Hannah and I stopped being friends.. no one needs me anymore. I was so used to someone needing me to be there for them... I was used to being able to share DEEP secrets and sharing the worst and best moments of my life with someone who cared and would listen to me for hours and vice versa. 

I just feel so lonely.... And now I'm crying... UGH!! /Frustration.....

I do, however have a friend who I have been friends with for a little over a year now, and I am relatively close to her, to where I am comfortable with pretty much anything, but it's not the same. Is that weird? Like.. I can tell her anything, I can do things in front of her and I am not afraid, but the connection is not as deep. Granted, we haven't been friends that long, and I'm not expecting to be like "YAY~! BFF'S" because friendships take time to grow, just like relationships do. Anyways, I guess what I am trying to say is that I have made SOME progress in trying to regain a normal life since Hannah, but I just have a LOT to work on.

Anyways.. I guess I'll end this for now.. maybe do an update on this later....

Master is here and He knows I'm upset..


  1. Sorry to hear about your loss. I know what it's like to lose a really good friend. Decent individuals with whom you have an intimate bond with are really hard to find.

    I can truly feel you on the whole "I have a friend who I'm comfortable around, but the connection isn't so deep" thing.

    The only person I'm really close to/with is my boyfriend.

    It's really tough to develop a meaningful bond with someone, only to have it all end so suddenly.

    It's good to know that you are moving on with your life. I only wish the best for you, and you should know who I am...

  2. Oh I definitely know who you are. The name on here gave it away. =3 I love you, and yeah this change is really hard, but.. I'll get through it like I've gotten through the other more horrible things in my life. lol

    Thank you for the support my dear. <3

  3. Sorry to hear about losing your close friend. I honestly don't have any friends from my early years. When I was 16 and moved from NY (due to getting kicked out of my house) to RI (with my ex gf Sarah) I lost track of all my friends from NY. 3 Years later when Sarah passed away I lost the friends I had with her. However that was due to a personal decision. After going through rehab and getting clean I didn't think it was the best idea to hang with the people who were doing drugs with me.
    I started off fresh once I went to college and have a small group of friends that are much healthier for me to be around.
    I'm sure one of these days you'll find someone to will become a true friend to you and never leave :)

    ~Jess XX~