I have been trying SO HARD to stay positive about things, even little things, and honestly I feel completely fake as hell for doing so. I'm not happy. I haven't been happy in (at the very least) a week and a half. My nerves are shot, depression is kicking in again, I'm stressed all to hell. I feel like I really can't talk to ANYONE at this point. I'm sick of ALL of this.
It feels like there is suddenly this wedge between Master and I and our relationship does not feel the same at all. We are (once again) getting zero alone time with one another, which means tension is slowly rising between us. We haven't had sex in well over a week. I'm too fucking busy with everything to even bother with something as simple as cuddling with Him, because the only down time I have is when He is at work and I'm not at school. The rest of the time we're both busy with homework, and now I'm busy with externship stuff I have to do. I was supposed to write in my journal yesterday since yesterday was my first day of my externship, but honestly, I'm so god damned drained I don't feel like doing it.
I'm also still very upset about something else, but that.. I'd just rather keep to myself... It'll do me no good really talking about it here.
Seriously, I just want to quit. I want to quit everything. I am beyond frustrated with life at this point. I keep telling myself "It's going to get better. You still have Master. He'll never leave you. School is still going great. Your externship is fine so far. Everyone is proud of all the successes you're currently making in your life. It's seriously okay. No, really. It's fine. Don't be upset. You've got this." but only so much of that thinking can get me so far. And I've reached my limit.
I'm sure eventually things will level back out and everything will be okay, but for this very moment. No. Everything is not okay, and I'm honestly sick of pretending that it is.
On top of that my neighbor is selling one of his cars for $2000 and my dad mentions it to me and I'm kind of sitting here going "I don't have the money for it." So ONCE AGAIN a nice car that is in great condition for a cheap price comes my way, and yet my step-mom's best friend is the one who gets the fucking car. AGAIN.
I need a god damn vacation. I'm fucking done.
~*~Anastassia~*~
There's nothing wrong with feeling that way; everyone does occasionally. But, it's not fake to try and stay positive in the midst of it...and, it's not bad to admit that you *can't* be positive, to cry and be upset and want to give up. Everyone breaks down sometimes.
ReplyDeleteVent as much as you need to, take time to feel crappy and get it all out of your system...then get back up and be strong, like I know you are. As bad as it seems right now, things *will* get better...they always do. Sometimes it just takes a while...but I have faith in you to see it through...
If you decide you do need to talk...I hope you know I'm still here for you.
Either way, I'll be praying for you.
Thanks hon. I appreciate it
DeleteI'm sorry to hear you are struggling. Unfortunately I know all too well the feeling of wanting to quit at life, like your happiness always comes up short. After years of feeling that way, I wish I had more wisdom to impart. But sadly I haven't quite figured it out yet either. All I can offer at this point is to say know that you're not alone.
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