Miscommunication and a Sacrifice

This weekend has got to be the worst weekend of my life. Or damn close to it. 

It all started late Thursday afternoon. I had received a strange and out of place message from Angel while browsing fetlife. She had mentioned something about she knew my Master wanted her to call me, but she had been a wreck and she was hoping that her messaging me was okay. What was even more odd was that she said that she was here for me if I needed to talk, or wanted to talk. Almost as if I should be upset over something. Needless to say, I was highly confused and it didn't take me long to piece together that I was left in the dark about something seemingly important.

I did the one thing I swore I'd never do in my life, and I logged onto Master's fetlife account in search for answers. Master and I know each other's passwords to our fetlife accounts, for emergencies or the like. I immediately went to His message box, and sure enough there was a message from Panda titled "The Girl's Relationship". My heart sunk and I knew exactly where this was going. Something I had been secretly fearing for a while now.

Long story short, after Angel and I had placed on our profiles that we were in a poly relationship together, this brought up a concern with Panda. While the three of us (Master, myself, and Angel) had thought the four of us were on the same page, it had turned out that we were, in fact, not on the same page and Panda was putting a stop to it. He didn't mind Angel and I being in a physical relationship with one another, but an emotional one was off-limits and this was brought to everyone's attention.

Everyone except mine.

For four whole days I was completely in the dark, oblivious, and straight up not informed about this. No one said anything, not even Master. Master and I did end up talking about that, and as bad as this sounds, I actually chewed Him out for not informing me of this for nearly half a week. Master did have good intentions, though. He wanted to get all the facts before He said anything to me, but that is beside the point now.

After reading the message, it felt like my whole world was crumbling and crashing down around me. In the few short months that things have started really going somewhere, I had fallen in love with Angel. I'm not talking about a mere friendly love. Full on love. She became another part of me, and it felt like she was being ripped away from me.

At first, I didn't know how to react. Should I be angry at Panda? Should I be angry at Master? Should I be angry at myself? Should I even be angry? Do I cry? Do I just become stoic? What the hell should I do?

I did the one thing I could think of and I went straight to a friends' house. I cried on them and according to them, I actually kept my cool far better than most people would have in this situation. And I really did try doing that. I tried being rational. Thinking everything out. Doing my best to not let my emotions run my life like I have done so well in the past. I talked to them, telling them everything I knew about the situation at hand. The more I talked, the more I was able to control the crying. Eventually, it stopped and I was able to be a little more level headed.

That night, though, I did cry myself to sleep. Thinking about how I knew what decision I had to make, and how much it was going to rip my heart into a million pieces, but I had to do it in order to at least keep both Angel and Panda in my life. To keep the friends I have grown to love as a family (though Angel was a little more than that).

Friday, we were supposed to all sit down at their house and talk about it, but Panda had a migraine, so we scheduled for this evening instead. We would have done it last night, but there was a party I wanted to go to and I wanted to be in the best mood possible while around a ton of my friends. Though that quickly came crashing down too.

See, Angel and Panda don't really show up to events a whole lot, so in my mind, I wasn't thinking I was going to see them at all last night. I was going to have a whole evening with friends, and I wouldn't have to think about it, that was till around 8 p.m. when I received a call from Panda saying they were lost on the way to the party and needed directions. I handed the phone to the host of the party and immediately went into panic mode. 

I hate to put it this way, but I was almost counting on them not showing up. I mean, what would have been the chances? And yet, here they are, on their way. I hadn't seen them since two weeks ago. What do I say? What do I do? I felt myself slipping inside myself, turning into this ball of nerves and mixed emotions while trying so very hard to play it cool.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy they made it. They never hang out, so it was nice seeing them out there with friends enjoying themselves and having a great time. For me, it was incredibly awkward. The whole evening while they were around I felt like I was choking on the very air that I breathe. I couldn't relax. I don't think I've ever been this tense. Eventually they went downstairs and I felt like I could breathe, even just a little bit.

A couple friends did pick up on my panicking and they came outside to help calm me down, and another friend took me in a separate room where I could let it all out. I broke down. I was crying and I felt like I was ruining the great time my friends had been having. Honestly, sometimes when I walked through the house, it felt like everyone knew that something was off with me. Though I think (and hope) I was overreacting. 

At one point I was hanging out in the kitchen and Angel came up and was naked and I think I cracked a little more on the inside. I can't quite say why.. but it hit a nerve with me and I immediately escaped to the outside of the house again. Before too long, they had went home and I was finally able to relax and the night became better for me. 

Today, though, has been bad on it's own separate level. I have been nervous, twitchy, fidgety, emotional... It has NOT been a good day. We did get to go over there and talk everything out, though....

We're still very good friends, and I don't think I have anything to worry about when it comes to their friendship. Panda answered a lot of the questions I had, and I think in due time everything will be worked out. Angel and I will still be play partners and maybe even cuddle buddies again some day, but because of my emotional attachment to her, I have to force myself to not kiss her ever again, and that tears me up too.

I think in due time.. everything will be normal again. Some day we will have our crazy, fun, kinky game nights again, and I'm sure we will have more funny and crazy stories to tell, but for now, that needs to come to a screeching halt for me. I'm emotionally attached to her, and I need to push those feelings away and pretty much bury them before things can go back to the way they were. Till then, those stories events will not be going on. 

I can't say how long it will take to get to that point of me being over her, and I can't say it will be easy. Quite the opposite, really. All I know is that I am extremely hurt over this, and it pains me to say that I'll never be able to kiss her lips ever again... I'll definitely miss that a lot. More than she, or anyone else, probably knows. I don't know where this part of the journey will lead all of us, but I pray that it will lead to more good times like we have always had. And I pray that most of all I can get over her so that we can get back to being play partners again and going back to when we instigated trouble with one another.

Whatever may happen... I hope that this leads to better circumstances. And Angel, if you're reading this, this is probably the last time I'll ever get to say this to you in this way, but I love you. You're the most gorgeous woman in my life, and you'll always have a special place in my heart, even if I'm no longer allowed to show it or speak of it ever again. Just never forget the love I have for you. 

~*~Anastassia~*~