Call it a low self-esteem, insecurity, or whatever you want to call it. Sometimes I have moments where I don't feel even close to sub-par, and it shows greatly. Last night was one of those nights.
Master and I were having a conversation in the car and somehow it escalated into an argument. Eventually I went quiet, as I sometimes do, and refused to speak. This led to more bad times and then more silence between the both of us. We sat in the car in front of His house for a good five minutes in silence. Eventually I got sick of it and did the one thing I could think of.
I got out of the car and started walking. I wasn't sure where I was going to walk off to, but I just wanted to walk. I didn't care that it was cold outside, or that I didn't have a jacket on. I just needed to get away from the deafening silence.
Master got out of the car and followed me down the street. I don't know why I do this sort of thing. I've done it before. Sometimes I just want to run away from everything, and I guess I'm literally doing just that when I walk off. Some hurtful words were spoken between us and before too long we were back at His house and crying together.
Eventually I broke down and said what I had been wanting to say for a long time.
"Master, how can you actually love me and want to be with me? I'm an abusive person. I say horrible things to you, I've smacked you before in the past. I've hit you. I know I've never left a mark, but I'm an abusive person to you."
"No you're not. You just act out of anger because that is all you have ever known."
I protested more saying that I didn't deserve Him. His response shouldn't have been a shock, but it was.
"Yes, you do deserve me. You've not had the best of a life, but I know that you do deserve it. You're truly a good person and you can change if you want to. I can help you."
"No.. you can't. There is no 'helping me'."
"Yes, there is, but you have to let me help you in order for that to happen. Whenever I tell you to turn around when you face away from me, or when I tell you stop when you walk away from me, you need to listen to me."
"I don't know if I can do that..."
"You can. You just need to be willing. Listen to me, and I'll help you. I will be here for you if you will just let me. If you truly want to change your ways, listen to what I have to say and follow my orders. I love you. You mean the world to me and you do deserve me."
Somehow.. this clicked with me. It made the tears stop. It made my fear disappear, and I felt like I was grounded again. I could breathe again. We held each other in a warm embrace against the cold and life felt clear again.
I do deserve Him, especially when I feel like I don't the most. He is the one thing that really keeps me sane and keeps me on track. He is the reason I work so hard to make myself better every day. He is the reason I have been able to remain calm and make those changes in my life.
I didn't really say anything else, but in my head I knew He was right. I just need to listen to Him, even when I don't want to. He knows what is best for me, and in order for me to get what is best in my life, I need to be willing to stop and listen to Him and follow His lead. Even if I'm unsure and weary. I need to learn to trust Him completely and not second guess His judgement.
Master knows what is best.
Today has been a lot better. We've gotten along great and I can feel last night's talk taking effect. I feel more stable at His side and I find it easier to listen to Him and follow what He tells me to do.
We were cleaning His room this evening and while He was cleaning around His t.v. He found something I made on one of those label makers:
I know this may seem silly, but I think this is a sign. It does hold some significance, so maybe this is a good sign that we found it today, right after having that talk last night.
Thank you, Master, for being so patient with me, so loving, so caring, and so understanding. Even when I seem so distant, and hateful. You've never once left my side, you've given me hope on life, and you've lifted me up when I was down and feeling like giving up on everything.
Thank you for being my solid ground and for kissing me and hugging me, despite my protests and struggling to push you away. Thank you for holding me tighter. Thank you, Master... for everything.
I love you, Sir.