This past week has been one of the toughest weeks in my life.
As I stated in my previous post, my M/s dynamic with my Dom was starting to fall through and we decided to start over. This week was about learning how to trust one another even more, and about working on my obedience while He worked on His Dominance. I'd like to start off by saying that it was far more successful than what I thought it would be. We have already made a significant amount of progress in just this week alone, which shows our dedication and that we really love one another enough to help ourselves be better for each other.
This week, He gave me tasks to fulfill, and a dead line to fulfill them in. I was to clean my room by the time He got off work Wednesday evening. I did so, and I even went beyond. Not to suck up, but to prove that I wanted to be His collared slave again, and that I would do anything to please Him. I cleaned most of my house in the process. I vacuumed the whole house. I took out all of the trash, including my parents. I did laundry that needed to be done. I organized things in my house that would make it better to find things. Especially in my room.
Needless to say, when He arrived and looked in my room, He was impressed. It was virtually spotless. (Still is. It is now my task to make sure to keep up with my room every week and keep it from getting extremely messy again). On top of that, we got a few new toys from The Lions Den about 30 minutes from us. (I don't have any pictures of them yet, but I'll get to it soon enough and post them).
We got three new things at the store. A spider gag, a wartenberg wheel, and an insert-able vaginal vibrator that came with a wireless remote. They were all things I have been wanting since.. well.. a few years, and I was rather happy to have them, but going through a time like this, happiness was not that easy. I was still feeling depressed.
At any rate, back to the main story. This week, up until Friday, was spent with Him giving me orders and having me follow them. This weekend, however, was more about breaking me and making sure I knew my place at His side. It first started Friday evening. It started with me getting the cane, that Panda made for us, taken to my ass several times. By the time He was done, I was already starting to feel sore.
I was blind folded, gagged, handcuffed, naked, and left in the bathroom all by myself in what was darkness to me. The bathroom is relatively big, so I had enough room in there, but I was ordered not to move, not to make a sound, and if unless I desperately needed something, I was to not call upon Him.
I know He left the bathroom door open, but for the most part, it was very, very quiet. The littlest sounds made me jump. I could hear the dogs rustling around downstairs below me. It was too quiet. Occasionally, I could hear Him moving about the upstairs where I was, and at one point, I was certain He went downstairs. (I REALLY do not like being upstairs by myself. Never have). I could hear Him stop by the door way and check up n me, but He never said a word. After I heard Him leave and went down the hall to His bedroom, I didn't hear Him again.
He was up to something.
Every now and then, I could hear a creaking noise. It was faint, and light, but I knew something was happening. A part of me knew it was Him the whole time, but as I have mini freak outs when it comes to being alone and "in the dark", my mind had already been playing tricks on me just enough to have me wondering if something else would be going on.
I was freaking the fuck out. I could hear Him closing in on me, and I flinched so violently that I accidentally kicked His leg. I found Him. He took that time to climb over top of me, held his hand on my throat with a little bit of pressure and pressed Himself onto me and whisper.. well.. rather menacingly in my ear that I was His slave, and that I should never cross Him again. I needed to know my place and it would be best for me to learn it quickly. This was brought upon when I tried to kiss Him.
The next thing I knew, I heard that distinct swooshing sound of the cane gliding through the air really fast, and I could feel it stop just right above my thigh. It never made contact, but I flinched none-the-less, and for the first time ever in this relationship, I was scared. I was terrified of the pain that could/would be inflicted upon me. I didn't want it. I just wanted to plead and beg that I was sorry, but I kept my mouth shut and waited. He struck me with the cane just hard enough on my thighs a few times, that it stung for a while.
He had to untie me at this point, as His parents would be home soon, but it continued after they left.
Once they left, we returned to His room to finish the punishment there. His parents had left for the weekend, and we had the whole house to ourselves. The next couple of hours were spent with me getting my ass beat with the cane (so much that I was hurting through to the next day), and when I wasn't getting hit with the cane, I was lying on the floor in my "time out area". That area consisted of a comforter laid down on the floor so I wouldn't be lying on the hard wood floor with no protection, a pillow and a light blanket to keep myself warm. I was not allowed to leave that spot unless I asked for permission and was granted it first.
I cried a few times during all of this, as expected, and at one point at the end, I broke down, crying my eyes out, stating that I wasn't sorry for what I was about to say, and the words that came out of my mouth were "I love you, Master." I had said it. I broke that one rule, and even though I felt semi guilty about it, mainly because I was breaking a rule, I told Him that I wasn't sorry I said it. I told Him that no matter what happened, He was still my Master to me in my heart, and that would never change.
He picked me off my feet and held me tight. What He had to say, though, shocked me. He told me that even though I had broke that rule, He thought it was best to say that I had earned my privilege of calling Him Master again. He was impressed with how hard I had been working all week, and at how dedicated I was to make this work. However, nothing goes unpunished, and He administered 20 swats of the cane to my ass for breaking the rule.
The pain was worth it. As I told Him, I did not regret saying it, and even though I was punished for it, I still do not regret it. It felt right saying it. More right than not saying it. On top of earning that back, Master bestowed upon me my new name this weekend.
From now on, my name is Anastassia. The name itself means "Resurrection". It is not only a word that describes me as a person, but describes our relationship as a whole. I was given this name because this is the rebirth of us as a whole. The rebirth of our relationship and the rebirth of our dynamic. We are starting new, so in a way, we are "resurrecting" this part of our relationship. It's rather befitting, I think, and I love the way it sounds. No matter what name He would have given me, I would have loved it, regardless.
Things have progressed amazingly, and I am eager to keep this growing. I know it will be a while before I can regain my collar, but being able to call Him my Master again does make this period a little easier. It's still upsetting, of course, but I feel increasingly better with each passing day.
I can honestly say I am looking forward to earning that collar back, and being rewarded with it because of the hard work I will be putting into this relationship.
Till next time.
P.S. My phone got water logged today when I fell into Master's grandmothers' pool. I fell in with my clothes on, my phone in my pocket, my purse on me, and my iPod, wallet, and keys in it. My iPod was salvaged and works like nothing ever happened. My phone... I fear may be screwed. I have to let it dry out for the next few days, but I have a feeling I'll be saving up for a new phone. *sigh*