Starting Over...

This post is going to be a very hard one to make.... I'm really not too sure if I can even talk about all of this without crying my eyes out again, but I'm going to give it a shot. 

Sir, and I are starting our whole M/s relationship over. What this means is that.. as of right now, I am no longer to call Him "Master"... and.. I am no longer collared by Him.... We're starting from scratch and working on our dynamic as an M/s couple.... I feel sick to my stomach.... I've been feeling sick since last night. 

He.. has felt like I have been disobeying Him more and more, and I feel as if He tries too hard. When He tries to "act" like Master instead of actually being Master... it throws me off whack. We've come a long way since the very beginning on this, and what we both think the major problems are is that;

1: He is afraid of "breaking me" and hurting me. 

2: I am very stubborn.

3: He tries too hard to act like a Dom instead of relaxing and just being the Dom in our relationship.

4: I notice this and sometimes become agitated with Him and pretty much have this attitude of "This is getting annoying" and almost feel like giving up.

These are just four main things that are tearing our dynamic/relationship apart. It's toxic and it needs to be fixed. That is why we have regrettably agreed on taking away my collar, taking away my privilege of calling Him "Master", taken away my title of "kitten" and starting all over again.

As of right now, He is "Sir" to me, and I am just Jessie. I have no pet name, I have no "slave name" and honestly.. it just makes me feel like I don't have a name at all. I have never felt more heart broken in my life. Honestly.. I feel like I've been destroyed since last night. I have no desire for eating, even though my stomach growls. I.. I know this sounds so silly, but I really feel dead on the inside. 

This has got to be the worst thing that has happened to me in a long time. Losing my collar and my rights of calling Him my "Master". I really don't know how to describe it... it just doesn't feel good.

It needs to be done though. I really do need to be broken. I need to be taught some lessons, and I don't need to have it done gently either. Really, sometimes the best way to get things across with me is with brute force. (Now I don't mean He has to beat me, literally, but this means that He needs to be HARD on me. If I were to mess anything up, even in the slightest bit, and if I get off scot-free, honestly, I won't learn anything from it and in the back of my mind, I won't remember it).

I know that, eventually, I will earn these things back. It will be painful, and I'm sure lots of tears will be shed, and I'm pretty positive that by then end of this, Sir and I will have grown together in ways that will be unimaginable and we will be better as individuals and as a whole. 

Sir has also mentioned that in the process He may eventually give me a new name. Something to call me by that will not be "kitten". A name that will represent who I am to Him, and that way we can start new with everything. This means a lot to me.

Neither of us really want to do this, mainly because of the pain factor, but it is something that needs to happen. We need to learn our places with one another. I need more discipline in my life, and He needs to know that no matter what He puts me through, I will love Him the same, if not more.

I may be mouthy, haughty, and sometimes downright rude, but all I really want.. is to make Him happy, and to make sure that we will stay strong for one another. I love this Man with every fiber in my being. I have never loved someone like I love Him, and dammit, if it means enduring any amount of physical and emotional pain to better ourselves for one another, then I will do it with my head held high. 

May the healing and the training begin.

~*~Jessie~*~

P.S. I will be updating any/all progress made in this, and you can count that I will be updating at least on a weekly basis. I am still slave to Sir. It seems confusing, I know. I'm just a slave in training though. (Never thought I'd say that.)... Pray for Us. This is not going to be easy.