Thursday, August 18, 2011


It happened again last night... I had another really bad dream about Master being this horrible monster of a person, that in real life, He really is not. I know I've never talked about this before, but here it is now, and I've got to get it out somehow. 

Over the course of the (almost 3) years we've been together, I'll randomly have dreams, or rather nightmares, about Master that basically make Him be out to this evil person I know He's not. It started out simple. At first, they were dreams of Him breaking up with me, or telling me that He didn't love me, stuff like that. Then they gradually got worse. There was one dream where He cheated on me, told me he never loved me, that He was just using me for His sexual pleasure, and that He'd never love me. 

Nightmares like that would have me waking up in the wee hours of the morning, crying my eyes out and calling Master just to make sure that He was still there, that He still loved me and wasn't going to go anywhere. These dreams feel so real at times, that when Master has called me in the middle of them, and woke me up, I'd be thinking it's still happening, and once cursed at my Master in mid sleep over the phone. =/ When it finally hit this point, Master started getting really worried. 

I didn't really know anything else to do but ignore it, as usual, an d just go on my way. So up until last night it had been about a month, maybe longer, since I had one of those dreams, but like most recurring dreams, I knew it would be a matter of time before it would happen again, and this past night gave me the worst fucking dream I've ever had about someone.

It was based around night time (which I've noticed is usually when these dreams take place. For some reason it's almost always at night) and Master had been to work. I was waiting for Him to come visit me on His lunch break, like He always does, but the call never came, and neither did He. I eventually picked up the phone and called Him, to which He answers very angrily. 

I asked Him to come home, because I wanted to see Him, and He informs me that He never wants to see my face again, and hangs up. (It gets a LOT worse). Eventually, He comes home, and there is some rather whorish looking woman with Him. Thin, with short dark hair, and really pale skin. Almost sickly and kind of diseased. He told me He had been using me. That He never loved me (yes, all the same things before, only just wait..) and that He was going to run off with that bitch and have His way with her. (AKA Rape).... 

He took off in His truck, and I ended up chasing Him down to some abandoned looking house. I literally dropped to my knees in front of Him, begging Him to stay, telling Him that I'd never doubt Him again, that I loved Him, that I'd do anything for Him, and never question Him, ever again. 

The look in His eyes, were nothing short of pure evil, and He just grinned at me, saying that it was cute how I groveled at His feet, and that if I truly loved Him, I'd have to watch Him do a sacrifice. The girl from before? She was the sacrifice. I watched in horror as he cut off her hands, and gut her abdomen like a fish only to watch her bleed out, and die. 

After she had passed, He fed her to His pet wolves. I didn't watch that part, but I know when I finally opened my eyes, she was gone, and the wolves had blood all over their snouts, feet, and chests. 

It was at this point, I finally got to wake myself up, but I found myself shaking myself awake. For some reason, even though I tried waking myself up from the dream, it just kept going till that point, before it basically released me.

I don't get it... I've NEVER had dreams like this about ANYONE else (well, except maybe my biological mother, but it was nothing like that, and it's a different story) but... it's only Him.. It's like my subconscious is trying to tell me that He is pure evil. That He is only out to hurt me, and if that were the case, why hasn't He done it yet? 

I honestly have no idea what is wrong with me... I mean.. this is getting so bad, I'm very tempted to go to a professional or something. I hate having dreams like this, and it puts so much stress on me, it's not even funny. I mean, I know it's a dream, but the fact that my subconscious depicts my own Master like that is HIGHLY bothersome to me. I really... really don't like this....

I'm going to get my mind off this. The more I think about it, the more it eats at me, and that is the last thing I need right now.


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