Till I got older.
I was pondering things like "How did I become what I am today?" not too long ago (actually minutes, if we want to get real technical) and it clicked. I've been like this my whole life, but was too young to understand it, or grasp it when it really started showing. So here are the first 4 things, right off the top of my head that I can think of. The "red flags" I had for all of my life, and what would later make me the person I am today.
# 1: I've Always Been Submissive by Nature
This one is the easiest and well... the more pronounced one in my life, so we'll knock this out of the water right here and now.
It's simple, really. As a kid, I was always seeking out to please people. Especially my friends. The close friends I had? I'd die for them, if I had to. But what makes me so different is not that, exactly. What makes me realize now, that I've been like this my whole life, is that the people who I was very close to, I would literally do anything for them. You know, except if it got me into trouble, but there were times where I did those too. As I got into my preteen years, it only progressed more. Suddenly, I started doing back flips and somersaults for these people! No, I kid, but seriously, I would endure long grueling hours on the phone just to listen to C (We'll call her C, because I don't like naming names too much) bitch and complain about stupid shit. I cared more about her than I did myself, and honestly that wasn't good. Mainly because she had always been a bad influence to me. I did things to make her happy, that ended with me doing things I am not proud of.
Now, do NOT get me wrong. I am not saying being submissive is a bad thing, but when someone is a preteen who doesn't know where their place is in life, he/she can and probably do some crazy shit. Not saying all submissives do this either, but this is how I projected it, and as you can see, it was a rather unhealthy way to do it. Later on, once I got older and started researching a bit, I learned what I was, and what I had been doing my whole life. It explained a lot more about me than what words could ever convey. I ended up "taking control" (so to speak) of my actions and I learned that I didn't have to be that way. I didn't have to be walked all over.
I guess the point I'm trying to make, is that I had submissive tendencies, but because I was so little, and had no idea what that was, or what I was doing, I ended up showing that "submissive side" of me through acts that I later on realized I never had to deal with in the first place. Once again, not saying all submissive people are like this, but this was how I was, and if my readers knew me on a personal level, they would probably understand more. (So much for easy huh?)
# 2: I Am an Empath
Now here is where things start getting a little tricky... The best way to describe this is that as long as I could remember, I have always been able to sympathize with those around me. To a high level. There have been a lot of cases where I could just be in the same room as someone, and suddenly, I would come down with this overwhelming amount of emotion. At those times, I thought they were mine, but once again, came to a realization after I got older.
The most extreme case with me was when my friend H was really upset over something. This was the weirdest thing ever, as I had never done this before. H was on the verge of tears one day, but for some reason could not cry. I remember sitting there holding her. She was my best friend and I didn't want her to be in so much pain... So what happened next came to a big shock to both of us. Instead of her crying, I started crying. I didn't even try, and it was something that just happened. It was as if I took her emotions into me, and shed those tears for her. The odd part? I didn't even feel like crying, or that I was going to. It just happened.
Needless to say, that was when it really clicked with me that I can easily feel what others feel, especially those extreme emotions like hatred, fear, deep sadness, and overwhelming happiness. Luckily, I know how to keep it tame, for the most part, but every once in a while, I'll slip, and start feeling other's emotions more-so than my own. (It's called blocking them)
# 3: I've Always Been a Sexual Person
This one I actually went over in one of my more recent blog posts, but I will revise, because it is a bit of a long read. Basically, I have always been aware of my sexuality ever since I was a kid. In fact one of the best ways I can express myself to my Master is through sex. I can only have sex with someone if I feel a deep connection with them, and if I love them. But I also know ways of turning people on and honestly, if I REALLY wanted to, I could use that to my advantage. Being an empathetic person can pay off. Thankfully, though, I am not that kind of person, so I don't do that.
Long story short though, sex/sexual acts is how I can fully communicate with my body, and I've done it for years without even really realizing it. Hell, most of it is just in my body language, and comes so naturally to me, that I've been accused of flirting, and wasn't really flirting, at least not in my eyes.
# 4: A Monster Lives Within Me
Okay, so this is more metaphorical than anything. That "monster" I speak of is the best way to describe this thing that comes out of me when I am at my limits. It's more so "seen" when I am really really REALLY pissed off.
That's it. Story time again!
One day, in the 8th grade, a friend of mine (We'll call him T) really irked my nerves. I don't exactly remember everything, as that was a long time ago, and the angry state I was in pretty much made that whole day a blur... for the most part.... I remember trying to talk to T, but he would just laugh in my face, and basically treat me like a dumb ass. (BIG no no when it comes to me). Things escalated and by the time "it" reared it's happy little head, I was practically in a fit of "blind rage".
Another friend, E, (and no, not my Master) tried stepping in to be a "mediator" to get me to cool down. Needless to say, I shot him one simple look, that (I shit you not) sent him packing in a split second. We're not talking about one of those moments where the outside person is just like "Whoa.. better leave her alone." It was more like I scared my poor friend so bad with this one look that not only did he back off and seriously went into the fetal position, (if you think I'm joking, you're horribly wrong) but he has never dared crossed my path since. In fact, if I even show any sliver of anger, he will seriously go the other direction and leave before "shit hits the fan".
This was not my intention, and come to find out later, when I finally got him to see I wasn't going to do anything to him, (I really don't think you understand how bad that looked scared him...) he talked to me about what he saw in my eyes. This isn't word for word as, like I said, most of this was a blur, but I do remember this one bit of detail that will stick with me till I die.
He said something along the lines of "I saw something in you today that looked more inhuman than ever. It looked like something had got a hold of you and possessed you or something. Please don't ever look at me like that again. I don't like to see that side of you.... I thought you were going to kill me with just your eyes alone...." As if that wasn't hurtful enough, knowing that I had pretty much scarred my friend for life, he didn't look at me, not once, when he spoke to me that day.
There has only been one other situation where I ever got that mad again, and I got to see myself first hand when I looked into the mirror, and I have to say... the look in my eyes, when I'm at that point, are definitely inhuman. It's really bad when a person can scare themselves with their own eyes. Luckily for me, I know how to keep my anger at bay, and I have better control over my emotions than I used to.
Sure, it doesn't sound that serious to you, my readers, but when I experienced things like that for myself, it was very hard to come to terms with.
Well, I hope you had fun getting to know me a little better, and even if no one read this, it felt good to get some of those things out.
~*~Anastassia~*~
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