Socially Awkward or Something....

Disclaimer: While I'm being 100% serious with what I wrote here, don't feel bad if you laugh, because I truly find my situation hilarious in ways.


It may be hard to tell from how much I write, and what all I write about, but I really am a socially awkward person. Always have been. Yesterday was the first day back to classes after our break, and a teacher of mine wanted the students to get to know one another. That's when it hit me. I have nothing to say. And that's when I realized, this is always how it starts out for me. Honestly, I'm surprised I have friends at all because I don't even know how to start a conversation. Even a simple one.


I found myself just nodding my head and listening to what the girl next to me was saying, or at least trying to listen to her. The noise from all the chatter was so loud I could barely hear her. I just sat there nodding my head going "Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh okay." and that was about the extent of it. It wasn't because she was boring. I found some of the things she was saying interesting, but I just.. didn't know how to respond. I always do that.


It's kind of funny because this happened in my Social Psychology class, which is the first of my two Psychology classes that I'm taking this quarter. Maybe through these classes, I'll be able to understand myself a little better. Who knows, I may even find out ways to be less awkward when engaging conversation with new people. Then again, I may be stuck like this for life, and if that is the case I am okay with that. I mean.. it obviously has not been that big of a problem, and I'm still able to talk with people from time to time and such. So maybe there really is nothing to be fixed.


All I know is that I've always been that way, and to this day, even with people I have been friends with for a long time, I find it hard to say things right, and I find it hard to communicate my thoughts and feelings. Maybe I'm not socially awkward, but I lack in communication skills. Then again, I have this thing where if I'm in a large crowd of people, I freak out. Especially if I don't know the people. It's a wonder I've survived going to dances and meetings and munches and play parties and stuff. I think the only reason I DO NOT freak out at play parties is because I already know most of the people to some extent, and I am also in my element with people who are in that same element. We all share one major thing in common. We're all kinky people who can relate to one another in some form or fashion. 


Maybe, subconsciously, that makes a big difference to me and that is why I never have internal freak out's there. Just a thought.


Another thing I find funny, is that when I mention having freak out's around large crowds of people, I always hear from my friends "That's not true. You always remain so calm and collective. I don't believe you." Well, as true as that may be, keep in mind I keep MOST of my freak outs internally. Meaning, I could be smiling and laughing on the outside, but on the inside, I'm freaking the fuck out, and I want a moment to just escape. Don't get me wrong, there have been times it's leaked out, but that is when I'm extremely stressed. That's when it actually shows, but if someone doesn't know what to look out for with me, I could be freaking out right next to them, and they'd never know it. I'm subtle like that at times.


Also, there are times when I meet new people while I'm with someone, I won't even talk unless introduced first. I don't know if this comes from my submissive nature, or if this was something that was hard wired into me since I was little. Maybe I am like this because I just am. Regardless, I have this thing where I just.. can't speak. No matter how hard I try, I either just don't say anything cause I feel like the words are stuck in my throat, or else I say something stupid, and then I'm forever known as hat "weird girl" who just awkwardly stands there and stares off into the distance. Cause I do that too when I can't think of things to say. 


Somehow, though, I have managed to break through some of this at certain points in time, and I've managed to make friends. How I've done this, I'm not quite sure. Honestly, I'm thankful for the internet, because without it, I would not be able to communicate as well. I type a lot better than I talk. I don't stutter, and hell, that is how I ended up telling Master I really liked Him for the very first time. It was over an AIM conversation. Had it been in person? I would have stammered, stuttered, gotten all fidgety (possibly sweaty) and bailed out.


I used to always pretend I was this sort of bad ass chick who could do and say just about anything with ease, but to be honest, that is who I wanted to be so desperately. Not to say I was lying, but I did have a facade of sorts so I don't know..


Now days, I really just don't give a care nearly as much. Sometimes it still bothers me, but I've learned to accept myself for who and what I am, even if that means I tend to transform into that socially awkward penguin from time to time. I like penguins! So I guess it suits me! lol

Yup.. Pretty much sums it all up. 


~*~Anastassia~*~