Getting Rid of You Once and For All....

Yesterday was quite the wake-up call for me....


It seems like ever since I became a teenager, my dad has slowly, but surely started pushing me away with his actions, and most of all, with his words. Throughout the years I have been screamed at more and more by my father, than I have anyone else in my life. Most of the time, it's over the stupidest of things. 


It first started out with the clumsy 12 year old me, who used to accidentally drop cups and spill water all over the place. Or the occasional time when I spilled my food all over the floor... But that was small stuff. Sure, as I got older, I've learned to be more careful of my physical actions, so dropping things happens far less than it did back then. Granted, the biggest reason I don't drop things now, is because of my fear that someone will come at me and scream in my ear. Scream those horrible screams, telling me I'm a clumsy fool, that I need to "get my head out of my ass" and start paying attention. 


Various other insults comes with that too...


As I grew older, the insults and screaming only got worse. Suddenly, I was being told that I was acting "just like my mother" who is possibly one of the most sick and insane people I know, and is probably the most evil person I know of too. He uses this as a way to get at me, because he knows that I try my hardest to be nothing like her. He uses his insults to best kick my psychological butt, and the sad part it always works. 


Last year he left me standing in the cold rain of November by the Kroger after 11 o'clock at night. By the time I made it to my friends apartment, my feet were frozen and sopping wet, and my clothes were wet as well. I ended up staying with my friends that night, and getting little to no sleep. There is a lot more to that story, but basically, if he were to tell the story, it would be all my fault. 


It's always my fault. For some reason, the parent is "always right" and the child never gets it right. They don't have enough experience, or maturity to get it right. 


That is what I'm always told.


Yesterday... yesterday pretty much broke me on the inside. Once again, it was over the stupidest thing in the fucking world.


Basically, in a nut shell, my dad had asked if I wanted anything to eat, when I replied with the answer "sure" (as in yes, I'd like to have something to eat) I got told with an agitated tone from my dad that "Sure is not an option on the menu." My first reply back to that was "Okay, I said 'sure' as in 'yes, I'd like some food, please.' You don't have to get on my case about it." My tone was not one of a smart ass, but a simple tone of confusion, really. 


After placing the order, he started screaming in my ear, how he was aggravated, and that he's had a bad day. Honestly, I didn't care, and I told him that. I also told him that it was not an excuse to jump down my throat, which then resulted in him getting a couple inches away from my face and screaming into my ear that I "better start caring" because he was "on steroids" and at that point, I didn't even let him finish. I decided enough was enough, and I told him that I was getting out of the car and leaving for Evan's work, where I know I wont get yelled at for something stupid. 


He told me I'd better think twice, because if I left, I was on my own, at which point, I didn't care. I told him that I didn't deserve the way he was treating me, and that he should be ashamed of himself. 


The look on his face, was honestly priceless. Not in a funny way, though... He suddenly had this look of angered confusion like "What the hell is wrong with you" or "what did I do?" 


Still didn't give a care. I slammed the truck doors closed and walked away. Honestly, I hope he was embarrassed. He deserves it, for all the embarrassment hes caused me. 


It was after this that I realized my dad didn't care anything about me. He hasn't cared about me for years now. i'm nothing but a burden to him.. What's even worse, is that I know for a fact that if that had been one of his friends who replied with "sure" (the one word that started it all) he would have just been like "Okay, what do you want?" and left it at that. He has no love nor respect for me, and he cares more about his friends than he does his own daughter. 


This is something that I've known for a couple of years anyways. Been saying it for a while, because it's nothing short of the truth. 


Last year he told me after we had a huge fight that ended very similar to this, that he loved me, and didn't want to lose me, but if that were so true, why doesn't he think about his actions before he speaks, like he tells me so oftenly to do myself? 


Well, guess what dad, get ready for a huge wake up call, because you've finally done it. After all the years of torture, and all the times you've tormented me with your words of violence, anger, and hatred, you've finally successfully done it. You've pushed me to the point, I pray to god I have to see you as little as possible. You've pushed me to the edge or no return. I have tried to hard to love you... to treat you like the best father in the world, to actually cater to you in your times of need, to make you warm food when you were sick, even if you never asked. I've bent over backwards to help you with crap around the house, and I've even ended up hurting myself in the process, but I've stuck it out till the job was done to tend to the wounds I developed during those jobs. 


I have actually shed blood, sweat, and tears for you all 20 years of my life, and this is how you repay me? I don't want it. 


Just like my mother you are dead to me. I don't deserve the bullshit you put me through, I don't deserve the way you scream in my ear, the way you take all of your anger out on me because I'm nothing but a constant reminder of your psychotic wife all because I look like her. I will no longer tolerate the verbal abuse you send my way almost day in and day out. 


Father, you are a dead man to me, as a horrible monster of a person that you are should be. I deserve so much better, and you are definitely not for the better in my life.


I hope you're proud of yourself, and I hope you're happy to know that the only child you have ever had, can't stand to be around you either. So congrats. You win. I'll no longer bother you any more. I'll no longer remind you of the woman you married and conceived a child with, because from now on, you've never had a child, and I no longer have a father.


Fare thee well....


~*~Anastassia~*~


This deserves a "quote of the day" and this is something I said this morning....


"Verbal abuse is still abuse. I don't care how you try to cover it up. Sometimes words and screaming can hurt just as bad as a deep cut on the shoulder."