Thursday, October 27, 2011

Getting Rid of You Once and For All....

Yesterday was quite the wake-up call for me....


It seems like ever since I became a teenager, my dad has slowly, but surely started pushing me away with his actions, and most of all, with his words. Throughout the years I have been screamed at more and more by my father, than I have anyone else in my life. Most of the time, it's over the stupidest of things. 


It first started out with the clumsy 12 year old me, who used to accidentally drop cups and spill water all over the place. Or the occasional time when I spilled my food all over the floor... But that was small stuff. Sure, as I got older, I've learned to be more careful of my physical actions, so dropping things happens far less than it did back then. Granted, the biggest reason I don't drop things now, is because of my fear that someone will come at me and scream in my ear. Scream those horrible screams, telling me I'm a clumsy fool, that I need to "get my head out of my ass" and start paying attention. 


Various other insults comes with that too...


As I grew older, the insults and screaming only got worse. Suddenly, I was being told that I was acting "just like my mother" who is possibly one of the most sick and insane people I know, and is probably the most evil person I know of too. He uses this as a way to get at me, because he knows that I try my hardest to be nothing like her. He uses his insults to best kick my psychological butt, and the sad part it always works. 


Last year he left me standing in the cold rain of November by the Kroger after 11 o'clock at night. By the time I made it to my friends apartment, my feet were frozen and sopping wet, and my clothes were wet as well. I ended up staying with my friends that night, and getting little to no sleep. There is a lot more to that story, but basically, if he were to tell the story, it would be all my fault. 


It's always my fault. For some reason, the parent is "always right" and the child never gets it right. They don't have enough experience, or maturity to get it right. 


That is what I'm always told.


Yesterday... yesterday pretty much broke me on the inside. Once again, it was over the stupidest thing in the fucking world.


Basically, in a nut shell, my dad had asked if I wanted anything to eat, when I replied with the answer "sure" (as in yes, I'd like to have something to eat) I got told with an agitated tone from my dad that "Sure is not an option on the menu." My first reply back to that was "Okay, I said 'sure' as in 'yes, I'd like some food, please.' You don't have to get on my case about it." My tone was not one of a smart ass, but a simple tone of confusion, really. 


After placing the order, he started screaming in my ear, how he was aggravated, and that he's had a bad day. Honestly, I didn't care, and I told him that. I also told him that it was not an excuse to jump down my throat, which then resulted in him getting a couple inches away from my face and screaming into my ear that I "better start caring" because he was "on steroids" and at that point, I didn't even let him finish. I decided enough was enough, and I told him that I was getting out of the car and leaving for Evan's work, where I know I wont get yelled at for something stupid. 


He told me I'd better think twice, because if I left, I was on my own, at which point, I didn't care. I told him that I didn't deserve the way he was treating me, and that he should be ashamed of himself. 


The look on his face, was honestly priceless. Not in a funny way, though... He suddenly had this look of angered confusion like "What the hell is wrong with you" or "what did I do?" 


Still didn't give a care. I slammed the truck doors closed and walked away. Honestly, I hope he was embarrassed. He deserves it, for all the embarrassment hes caused me. 


It was after this that I realized my dad didn't care anything about me. He hasn't cared about me for years now. i'm nothing but a burden to him.. What's even worse, is that I know for a fact that if that had been one of his friends who replied with "sure" (the one word that started it all) he would have just been like "Okay, what do you want?" and left it at that. He has no love nor respect for me, and he cares more about his friends than he does his own daughter. 


This is something that I've known for a couple of years anyways. Been saying it for a while, because it's nothing short of the truth. 


Last year he told me after we had a huge fight that ended very similar to this, that he loved me, and didn't want to lose me, but if that were so true, why doesn't he think about his actions before he speaks, like he tells me so oftenly to do myself? 


Well, guess what dad, get ready for a huge wake up call, because you've finally done it. After all the years of torture, and all the times you've tormented me with your words of violence, anger, and hatred, you've finally successfully done it. You've pushed me to the point, I pray to god I have to see you as little as possible. You've pushed me to the edge or no return. I have tried to hard to love you... to treat you like the best father in the world, to actually cater to you in your times of need, to make you warm food when you were sick, even if you never asked. I've bent over backwards to help you with crap around the house, and I've even ended up hurting myself in the process, but I've stuck it out till the job was done to tend to the wounds I developed during those jobs. 


I have actually shed blood, sweat, and tears for you all 20 years of my life, and this is how you repay me? I don't want it. 


Just like my mother you are dead to me. I don't deserve the bullshit you put me through, I don't deserve the way you scream in my ear, the way you take all of your anger out on me because I'm nothing but a constant reminder of your psychotic wife all because I look like her. I will no longer tolerate the verbal abuse you send my way almost day in and day out. 


Father, you are a dead man to me, as a horrible monster of a person that you are should be. I deserve so much better, and you are definitely not for the better in my life.


I hope you're proud of yourself, and I hope you're happy to know that the only child you have ever had, can't stand to be around you either. So congrats. You win. I'll no longer bother you any more. I'll no longer remind you of the woman you married and conceived a child with, because from now on, you've never had a child, and I no longer have a father.


Fare thee well....


~*~Anastassia~*~


This deserves a "quote of the day" and this is something I said this morning....


"Verbal abuse is still abuse. I don't care how you try to cover it up. Sometimes words and screaming can hurt just as bad as a deep cut on the shoulder." 

11 comments:

  1. I know we've been talking about it, but...again, I'm so SO sorry that you're having to go through this. I know it's not any fun...But, I'm proud of you for having the guts to walk away; that takes a lot of courage.

    Love you lots

    ~Bre

    (Also, I like the new, blue text! Very nice ^_^)

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  2. I love you too, and I just thank you so much for being here for me in one of my times of need. It is the love and kindness that you and Panda have shown me over the past two years that has got me to realize that I don't need this negativity in my life. That I am so much better than this and that I don't have to take it any longer.

    I thank you and your Master so much for being the wonderful friends and people you both are. I love you both.

    (Thanks. I thought my blog was due for a bit of a change around. Too much of the same thing gets dull for me).

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  3. It's no problem! We love you guys so much, you know we'd do anything for you. And, you have been a good influence on me, too--knowing what true friendship really looked like it was finally prompted me to cut the negative people out of my life, too.

    If you ever need anything, please don't hesitate to call, text, message, or come over. <3

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  4. Thanks, Bre. =) Thank you so much. I'm glad that we have both had good influences on each others' life... ^.^

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  5. i am so sorry you're having to go through this, this is one of the hardest posts i've ever read and it took me a while to get through it. There's nothing anyone can say to make this easier except that we're sorry and please know you're doing the right thing! This is such a huge step!

    i read this a long time ago and loved it, i don't know if you've ever read it before, but i thought it might help, even if you've seen it before. i just thought it might help you realize what a terrific thing your doing and how bad verbal abuse can really be. Good luck!

    Peace and blessings. *hugs*



    NAILS IN THE FENCE


    There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him
    a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must
    hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had
    driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned
    to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually
    dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to
    drive those nails into the fence.
    Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He
    told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out
    one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

    The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father
    that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led
    him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the
    holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say
    things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put
    a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you
    say I'm sorry, the wound is still there."
    A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are very rare
    jewels, indeed! They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They
    lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open
    their hearts to us."


    Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole in your fence!

    ~ author unknown ~

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  6. @Precious Treasure: Thanks you so much for sharing this with me. This meant a lot to me, and honestly, this is something I need to send to my dad for him to read.

    Thank you. *hugs*

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  7. Anastassia,

    I, too, wish to express how deeply sorry I am for your hurt. You don't know me (I read and comment on Bre's blog) but I just wanted to send you a gigantic cyber hug.
    Believe it or not, I know how this feels, to some extent. I have a similarly shitty relationship with my father, and always have, for as long as I can remember. He was never around when I was a child, but his rules were so strict that I could never, ever live up to them. He expected perfection in everything, and if he didn't get it, I was punished so that I would do better, try harder. My dad is a real ass, and an alcoholic, and there were times where I had to experience what you went through as well...drunken screaming and hateful name calling, words that shattered my soul. And yes, there were even times when he was physically abusive as well. The worst of those (and the one I so clearly remember) was when he became so infuriated with me that he slammed me into a wall by my throat, choking me and growling at me what a useless disappointment I am. I will never forget any of those things...nor am I able to forgive him for them.
    Long story short, my asshole father took my mother out to dinner on their 25th wedding anniversary and confessed to her that he'd been cheating on her with his secretary for years..in fact, for about 3/4 of the entire time they'd been married. My poor mom. She's a good, honest, hard working woman who'd given him everything she had, made every sacrifice for him, and stayed home to raise my brother and I while he screwed her over. It broke her heart. She locked herself in her bedroom for weeks and just cried, day and night. My older brother was already off in his 4th year of college, so it was just me and mom. It tore me up watching her in so much pain, knowing that there was nothing I could do or say that would ever be able to help heal her hurt. I think it was then that I decided that I hated my father and that he would henceforth cease to exist for me. But...the story gets worse. When I met and fell in love with my husband/Master, he did everything in his power to sabotage the relationship, up to and including planning personal attacks and assaults on him (he even got his homewrecking mistress/secretary involved in his wicked schemes). No one was good enough for his daughter, and in his opinion, I was settling for "trash". And if I was going to be with trash, that made me trash as well. (He has a God complex...he has always treated everybody else like shit on his shoe). But you get my drift. He pretty much disowned me, not like I cared.
    He did decide to show at our wedding, got drunk, and was completely rude and obnoxious. It was embarrassing. He insisted on walking me down the aisle, and I gritted my teeth in fury the entire time. The only thing that got me through it was keeping my eyes locked on my man, focusing all of my attention on him.
    To this day, I refuse to communicate with my father. He tries to call, leaves me voicemails, begs to see me, but his pathetic pleas fall on deaf ears. Some things are simply unforgivable and he's accumulated a list a mile long. Everyone tells me that I need to forgive, and let go..not for HIM, but for myself, but I still cannot face the man. It's been over 5 years since I've seen him. I cannot forgive him for hurting me, my mother, my husband, and for single handedly destroying an entire family.
    So..please, accept a giant hug from someone who can relate. The pain of the negative impact your dad has had on your life may never completely fade away, but just remember you have friends who love you and care about you..
    Sometimes, when the family that God gives us doesn't pan out for the best, we must go forth on our own and build one of our own. Sounds like your already well on your way to taking that first step. You have E, and Bre + Panda, and probably loads of other concerned friends as well. Count me as one of them <3

    Wishing you the very best,
    Melody

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  8. Melody, thank you so much as well. I'm saddened by your story, to know that your father has done that to you, but I am happy to know that you are in good hands with your husband/Master. =) Someone who could stick through that crazyness of your father is definitely a keeper.

    Thank you again for this. Know that your words are highly appreciated, and that you have inspired me as well. *hugs* ♥

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  9. I just want to add my sympathy here as well.

    My mom tends to fly off the handle and has sent me into crying fits so often, and I always find myself making excuses for her. In reality there is no excuse, chemical imbalance or not. At least between those moments of flying off the handle she's companionable - though I often cringe as I never know what will set her off.

    I'm so sorry for your situation, but so happy that you have such good friends to talk to about it, and the outlet of this blog.

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  10. Thank you Conina. =) I'm sorry you have to deal with that as well, but thank you so much for talking with me as well.

    I want to thank everyone who shared themselves with me. It means more to me than you all will ever know.

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  11. I'm a little behind, but girl, it's time. I'm proud of you for standing up to The Man, and walking away. Represent!

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